A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello and than you!So I have a question. My boyfriend does not work due to some mental issues but refuses to tell me what he has. Do i not have the right to know? Am i being yo nosy ? I asked him and he says he gets an assessment every 5 years and has no idea what mental illnesses he has? I thought their supposed to tell you what you have. So it makes absolutely no sense to me. I feel like hes lying and not being truthful. Any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2021): This is something to keep in the back of your mind....If you have kids with this man his mental illness can be passed down.He must tell you about it before you move in so you know what you are getting yourself into.I live this in a way.My in-laws are mentally ill.Sometimes they go off their meds...I would say two to three times a year.These soft spoken sweet people then turn very violent and not rational.Yes they have hurt people.Then they are put in the hospital.Then they get out and the cycle goes on and on over and over again.The thing is you have no idea what he has as he will not tell you.That is a very big red flag.Please do not move in with him until you know about his illness better.You have no clue how fast your life could get really bad.You have no idea what kind of real danger you could be in.I live this every day and I would not wish this on my worst enemy.Be smart and do your homework on this op.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 August 2021):
 OP I forgot to ask, have your relationship (these 2 years) been mainly online and texting?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 August 2021):
I think it would be a HUGE mistake to move in with someone with "anger issues" and a "supposedly" unknown mental issue - that apparently is known enough by his doctor for him to get benefits and an assessment every 5 years.
Now it could be something like a brain tumor, it could be schizophrenia, it could be bipolar, it could be a LOT of different things, HE KNOWS - he is just CHOOSING to not tell you (for whatever reason).
It's not that people with mental health issues are undatable. But for a relationship to be healthy and successful - I think being open about it is the key, so YOU as the partner can make INFORMED decisions.
I would NOT move in with someone who has anger issues and "gets very annoyed easily" - that doesn't sound safe. Because when he gets angry or annoyed, guess what? When you live together it's HARD to step back or leave.
You got a LOT of thinking to do. You need to be honest with yourself too. And accept that whatever mental issue HE has you CAN NOT fix for him, not by loving him or by ignoring it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (10 August 2021):
 Op, in response to your second post:
What is there to think about? Why are the red flags waving in your face not knocking you over? Why are you choosing to ignore them? I ask that last question because you surely cannot be oblivious to them.
You state your boyfriend has "anger issues" and "gets very annoyed easily" but don't appear to have any real information on this side of his personality, despite dating for 2 years. Is this the sort of person with whom you want to share living accommodation? What are you going to do if he "gets very annoyed" about something? How will this anger manifest itself? Where will you go if it gets out of hand? I find it strange that, despite dating for 2 years, you know so little about him. The whole thing just doesn't add up. While he has a right to keep things to himself, you also have a right to decide whether you want to waste any more time on someone you doesn't let you into his life at all. How much more do you know about him now than you knew when you first started dating? I would guess, not a lot of importance.
Remember, he is going to be at home most of the time, as he is allegedly incapable of working. You (we assume) work full time. What is going to trigger him? If you ask him to do something in your shared home? If you mention money and bills? Considering you have dated for 2 years, you appear to know next to nothing about him. In fact, it appears from your post that all you know is what little he has chosen to tell you.
In my opinion, you need to know a lot more about him before you can make an INFORMED decision. Personally, if someone was still choosing to lock me out of his life after 2 years of dating, I would cut my losses and walk away. Your decision but I predict, if you do decide to move in with him, you will be back on this site before too long, looking for advice on other issues.
Last point: if you DO decide to go ahead and move in with him, despite all the red flags, rent somewhere with a short fixed term tenancy so that you can walk away as easily as possible without legal implications.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2021): How long have you known this guy? If you are sleeping together then I think it's time for him to open up and tell you. If you are living together or even loosely thinking about living together then you definitely deserve to know. Reassure him that what he tells you will go no further. It can be difficult to open up about mental health problems but if it's so severe that it stop him from working he should tell you. To be honest I'm a bit doubtful as there are few mental health problems that would prevent you getting a job. Plenty of people with depression, anxiety, bipolar etc have jobs... the majority in fact.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2021): Whether he tells you or not, the symptoms of mental-illness usually reveal themselves. If his illness is well-managed, and he functions without visible signs of illness; I guess he is waiting for the right time to tell you.
It often comes-up as a question at DC; when is the right-time to reveal illnesses or mental-health disorder to someone you're dating. It depends.
If he hasn't been dating you for very long; I'm sorry to say, but it is at his discretion to share the details of his health when he's good and ready. You should never rush your way into whirlwind-romances for this very reason!!!
Many may not agree; but it is ideal that you be forthcoming with people when you suffer some sort of pathology or mental-disorder that could directly effect the relationship. Transparency gives-way to trust. If you are HIV+, or you have herpes; you most tell any prospective partner immediately! There is no dilly-dallying around any disease that is contractable or infectious. Withholding such information could land you in jail, and/or under lawsuit! Unfortunately, it doesn't fare this way when someone hides mental-illness. At least you know, just not what it is.
With mental-illness, it depends on the disorder; and how serious it is. There is a stigma placed upon people suffering and under treatment for their mental-health. Labeling them "crazy." That's what makes people so cautious to seek treatment, or to disclose their illness. Depression or anxiety can usually be well-controlled with a good therapist; but severe degrees of mental-health disorder should be revealed early-on in dating. Those who refuse to ever disclose it to their family, or committed-partners, leave no room to be trusted. We can't fairly say that is the case for your boyfriend, but be cautious.
You also have the right to ask, and to base your continued commitment on his honesty and forthrightness. You need to know; so if he has an episode or a crisis; you'd have some idea what you're dealing with, and what course of action you should take. You're already committed; so it shouldn't be long before he shares what's going-on with his mental-health.
Although it is his right to keep some details of his illness private, until trust is established; to hide it from you can be considered a red-flag, until you know what's-up. I don't mean to seem contradictory; because each case may be different. There are factors to be considered. How long you've been together, if the symptoms of his mental-disorder are prominent; or if he is capable of hurting himself or others. If he is on antipsychotic-medications with serious side-effects; that sometimes may require he not drive or operate machinery. Not disclosing psychosis is a whole different ballgame! It's likely that will become apparent down the road. Let him know straight-up, you do not and cannot trust him until he is fully honest with you. Then the ball is in his court. Be prepared for the answer.
Give him a deadline. I suspect it is that he has PTSD, if he is a veteran of military service. He would have to be assessed; if he collects social security disability compensation. If you can't tell he has mental-illness, it's well under control; but don't let him getaway with refusing to ever tell you. That's not fair, and he won't earn or deserve your trust that way. If you feel really uneasy, back-off. He's forcing you to make a decision in your own best interest and personal-safety.
This should serve as a warning to other readers. Don't quickly move-in or commit to relationships; until you are thoroughly-acquainted with the person you are committing to. You don't want it to be an unexpected discovery once you've entangled your income, co-signed on debt, or you've gotten pregnant. Only to learn they have a genetic-disorder that could affect the health or development of your child. You do need and deserve to know; but it's up to the person when they feel able to disclose matters regarding their health. Be sure to use condoms for your own safety; and prevention of becoming pregnant, and passing-on a diagnosed (but unrevealed-illness) that can be passed-on genetically.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2021): Hi I am the OP,
We have been together almost 2 years. He suggested we move in together, so I felt it would be good to know financial obligations, and things on a deeper level about eachother so there would be no surprises.
I do know he has anger issues and gets very annoyed easily. It would be nice if he would be open and tell me things . Since he won't I have alot of thinking to do.
Thanks!!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 August 2021):
He "has no idea what mental illnesses he has"? Unless one of the illnesses involves an inability to retain any information, I call bulls**t.
How long have you been dating? If this is a very new relationship, then perhaps it is understandable that he is not yet comfortable sharing this information with you. If you have been dating for a while, then it is unreasonable for him not to at least give you an idea of why he cannot work.
Does he pay his way? Do not fall into the trap of subsidising him, especially when he won't even tell you why he can't work.
You don't have a "right" to know anything about him, including his medical details. However, you do have a right to decide whether you are comfortable in this relationship and whether it has any sort of future. Only you can decide that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 August 2021):
Are you living together?
If so, I think it would make sense for him to tell you.
Even if you are not living together why does he choose to not tell you?
I don't think you have a "right" to know but I can't see why he wouldn't share this if he hopes to share your life and future? What if you have kids?
He can CHOOSe to not share this with you, but YOU can choose not to date someone who will NOT trust you with this information.
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