A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am currently in a relationship with a guy who I dated for 9 months almost 3 years a go. I'm not going to go into mass amounts of detail but we split up for various reasons but never lost our feelings for one and other and have now tried to give it another go. We have been together for almost a month and most things have been fine a part from one issue which keeps on popping up. I have a bestfriend who I tend to spend a big portion of my time with. This bestfriend of mine is a male and we have been friends now for almost 14 years. He is also a good friend of my families, and most days he is in my house as he helps my mother out who is disabled and sometimes he will sit in my room and play games while I am out. I have never had anything romantic happen with this friend of mine and I never will... he is like a family member to me. However him and my boyfriend have had a history of not liking eachother and at first my friend wasn't supportive of my relationship at all and ended up getting into a row with my boyfriend. This of course got things off to a bad start, with my boyfriend suspecting my friend had feelings for me and my boyfriend also suspected he was trying to sabotage are relationship. We kind of managed to clear up the issue but now whenever I mention to my boyfriend that I am seeing my friend, or I tell him my friend is round mine, he will go all quiet and just be really off with me, which is getting on my nerves slightly. My boyfriend today, said to me that I am ALWAYS seeing this friend of mine, and whenever I leave him, my friend will be sat at home waiting for me... my boyfriend also thinks I spend more time with my friend than I do him, and I personally don't see this as true as I have been trying to spend equal amounts of time with everyone. When I ask my boyfriend what he wants me to do about this, he says nothing... when I try to explain to my boyfriend that a lot of my time my friend comes here to also see my mother and help her out, he still doesn't really understand it. It's getting on my nerves and I have no idea why he gets that way and its almost as if he is paranoid, however whenever I bring it up, he gets in a mood. Another thing which could be relevant too, is the fact my boyfriend recently found out his ex had been cheating on him throughout their entire relationship with a mutual bestfriend of both of theirs... of course this has nothing to do with me. I am also going away to Amsterdam with my bestfriend in April and I am worried this is going to upset my boyfriend even though he has assured me it won't. Am I missing my bf's point of view? And what should I do about this situation? Any advice is welcomed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2015): Going to back to my first premise :
'If you don't see such a 'committed' future happening with your current boyfriend then there's no point in being in a relationship with him.'
From your response, your boyfriend doesn't sound like a catch, nor does the relationship sound stable.
My advice is to let go of your boyfriend because you're both having a relationship that's going nowhere in the long term and really frustrating in the short term. Why? Life is too short. It's quite telling that your parents don't like him coming round.
Your best friend is not the main problem in this relationship. You've raised other things that indicate it won't last very long anyway.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for the advice! I thought I would say that my boyfriend is not currently aloud inside my house at request of my parents... this could change in the future, but at the moment they don't want him in due to issues they have had with him in the past. So even though I would like too I cannot give him the same privileges that my bestfriend has.
I do not like my best friend, I do not want to be with him and that is that. This friend has stuck around throughout many of the hardest times I have had in my life, and he has become a good friend of my mother's too. She is disabled, and sometimes she invites him round which is where things get difficult. I can't tell my mother what to do and sometimes he comes round to see her and not me... but according to my boyfriend that still counts as he is still in my house.
I understand what you mean by spending more time with him, I get it.. but he probably see's his friends as much as I see mine, but he never really says anything like that.
Yesterday we had planned a nice day out, just me and him. We were on our way to the beach and I was talking about my trip to Amsterdam and I accidently called him the name of my friend... this is pretty common for me, sometimes I go to call my boyfriend mum... it was just one of them things and I apologized and then as we got further down the road I tried to speak to him politely about what was on his mind and what the problem was when it came to my friend... I worry that he thinks I am sleeping with him, so I came out and said it.. he said he didn't but remained quite and then all of a sudden he let go of my hand and stormed off home.
I rang him, and within 7 minutes of leaving he was already with one of his mates... I told him that this wasn't fair simply because he was the one who said he had issues with me spending time with my friends, when I brought this up he laughed at me, I asked him to come back but he refused, so I hung up.
He told me the reason that he left was because I was talking about my friend and my trip too much, and I accidently called him the name of my friend... I thought this was pathetic... but is it?
Btw he is also talking to 2 girls online, one of which is his ex and has a history of cheating with men while they are together and the other girl who he kissed at a party when we were together all that time a go... and he has a problem with me having a strong relationship with my lifelong best friend... to me it seems like double standards, but what do you too think?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2015): I agree with the Nonny. Ditch the boyfriend, you are not compatible with him.I agree with his position that your friendship with the other guy is inappropriate. As you boyfriend, I would not be happy at all with the way things are. I would probably break up with you myself. But it looks like he cares too much to walk away.If you see your boyfriend as a temporary feature in your life then it makes no sense to lose a friend over it. However, if you were serious about your boyfriend, and were serious about spending the rest of your life with him etc. you wouldn't feel the need the spend 'equal amounts of time with everyone.' As your boyfriend, I would EXPECT that you would WANT to and would CHOOSE to spend more of your free time with me than another friend. Especially if the other friend was a guy. I would not stand for that at all. Ofcourse you can stay friends, friends are good but friends have healthy boundaries. Your boyfriend should in the long run become your best friend. Your guy friend will then be a close friend. But there won't be a competition because your boyfriend will become your next of kin when you get married. He will be the father of your children. He will be the one you have legal and financial ties to. He is the one you will wake up next to. He is the one you will 'have to' make an effort to fix things with in times of trouble. You friend can come and go any time he likes and he WILL draw boundaries the minute he has a serious girlfriend (unless he really wants to be with you in which case, you really shouldn't be leading him on like this or pretending your friendship is innocent). He has no obligations to you and can simply stop talking to you without so much as an explanation. It wouldn't be nice of him to do that but he has every right to do so without anyone feeling injured. Whereas your boyfriend, if you are serious about him will become a more important part of your life than the other guy. If you don't see such a 'committed' future happening with your current boyfriend then there's no point in being in a relationship with him. You are wasting his time and hurting him for no reason.Your friendship does not have healthy boundaries that allow either of you to really commit to other people. If you don't see this then you are not ready for a serious relationship.Yours truly,#both committed and happy with our boundaries.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2015): I may get lynched on here for suggesting this but: ditch the boyfriend.He has/will have trust issues transferred from the previous relationship onto this one. There is nothing YOU can do to fix that.He has to fix it himself. And if you are both the same age range-he is too young to know how to fix or/and maybe unaware of what's happening.If he only recently discovered such a huge betrayal as well, he will be paranoid about it happening again.I know how you feel about your friend and I know that nothing will happen.I,personally, would never sacrifice a friend for the sake of a relationship. My partners have to learn how to make good with my fiends/exes.If they can't- maybe we were not meant to be together and somebody with a more similar outlook to theirs will be happy to have them.Just to put things into perspective for you: it took 2 years (!!!) for an ex of mine to be fully comfortable and to really trust me (later I found out somebody had cheated on him previously and that's why he was so suspicious of everything).If you can wait that amount of time/are willing to give the relationship a go- do it. Things do settle over time. As he sees, again,and again,and again,and again that you really are not his ex, that you do keep your promises and do not cheat, things gradually improve.But as you are so young and you've already broken up once before-I say remove yourself from the drama, keep your friend of 14 years and have fun! If you REALLY wanna keep the bf (don't advise it,but I'm not you)- invite him to everything. So Amsterdam-he can come with you and your friend if he wants it. Your house-open it as much to him as you have to your friend: being open and honest generally helps eliminate any suspicions he might have.But honestly: I did so much in the past (around your age-we started going out when I was 19) for a relationship with a guy like that , that I loved, I helped him overcome all of his issues etc. and now I regret it. Don't get me wrong-I don't regret helping him, BUT I spent my youth trying to fix something, to reassure him all the time etc. etc., whereas I could have spent that time being young and fanciful and free and finding out what I really like/dislike etc.I'm sure that with time and help of his friends etc., the conclusion would have been the same: he would eventually have overcome his trust issues etc. It just might have taken him a bit longer. But I'd have had my freedom.I don't know if your case is similar to mine-I'm just sharing an experience and I hope it helps you determine how you want to proceed.Have fun in Amsterdam-it's an awesome place! :)The Nonny
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