A
female
age
30-35,
*oniqueEE
writes:Hi community,I need your help.I've been with my bf for 3 years now and in the past few months we've become stagnant and too comfortable.I didn't know he was unhappy and in the past few weeks we have been going back and forth over it.2 days ago he said he no longer wanted the relationship - but I do. He is currently in a strange place, unhappy and fed up with everything. It stems a lot from me, we invested so much in each other and when my passion for things ended, his did too.Now here is the problem:We live togetherWe have house savings funds togetherA car togetherWere planning a life togetherHe wants us to take the next month or so finding ourselves so we can see what makes us happy - in the mean time he's given me the bedroom and he is sleeping in the front room - happily.My emotions are up and down and at times I find myself hyperventilating. I am scared - terrified even of losing something so precious to me. I love him and want the old him back.Do you think what we are doing is wise? Or are we prolonging the inevitable? I understand that its a long shot that he will want us back, but he doesn't want me to move out yet - until we both have clearer heads to make a proper decision.Has anyone been through this before? I have turned back to my poetry to help not drown him with my emotions.What do you think is happening to us? Do I need to exercise some patience?I never knew love could swallow you up so much, he seems to be coping so well that it hurts.We are in our mid 20s.Thank you for listening :)
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female
reader, MoniqueEE +, writes (3 March 2015):
MoniqueEE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses!
I completely understand what you are both saying - my only fear is a premature breakup.
I am going to address this with him tomorrow, I have written down what I want to say which is ultimately to break up and let mu self move on. It will be incredibly painful but I need to put myself first.
Thanks so much.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 March 2015):
 Him sleeping on the couch is not solving anything. You two "ignoring" the big pink elephant" in the living room doesn't solve anything either.
Also you are not BOTH looking for the same thing. YOU want to "fix" it, he wants to end it.
And let's say in a week your BF wants to try and get "back" together again but things STAY the same. You can't take a break and get back together like nothing happened. Whatever issues you two have you need to EITHER resolve them, confront them or walk away from them.
You said a couple of months ago everything started to feel stagnant and too comfortable. Now stagnant I can see as a down side, but "too" comfortable? What exactly happened?
And another thing you two REALLY need to do is talk finances and how to split up your assets.
The "house savings funds" is easily done. Whatever you deposited YOU get back - what HE deposited HE gets back - any dividend gets split between you.
The car can be more complicated. Who is the "registered owner" ? Both of you or just one? If it's both of you - you two need to figure out who "gets" the car +car payments and HOW much money they OTHER person gets on return.
My guess is the place is his. Which means.. you will have to find a new place to live.
I would also say you two need to decide how LONG this "break" is going to be before you have to make a decisions. Whether it's OK for either of you to date (which personally I don't think it is but many folks "date" others while on "break") You need some ground rules.
I'm sorry, I think it's over. I think he is agreeing to this so that YOU can come to terms with it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 March 2015):
 I take that "when my passion ends" means you are not happy with life, you have fights etc but it doesn't just mean the relationship has gotten comfortable. Big difference.
I also take "taking a month to find ourselves" mean you are so consumed in it that lost yourselves in the relationship, while still being faithful to each other.
I am still trying to figure out what the problem is. Maybe you are relying on him too much for happiness and he feels suffocated?
You are both learning how to relate to each other. While I don't think it is such a mistake that warrants a break up as punishment, I do think one month of being strangers is too much. You might have to decide if you want to be with a guy who needs a breather so much. After all the point of moving in is togetherness. You don't live together then avoid each other at night. In your writing it sounds you don't know what's on his mind. I question is it your happiness or is he using a vague reason to break up.
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