A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi ive been with my bf for 3 years. During the first year he had lots of contact with his ex wife. They have 4 children together and they split up a year before i met him because she cheated on him. We had the children to stay every other weekend and things seemed ok but i noticed he argued alot with his ex, calling her names like whore, slut ect. He even did it in front of their children and sometimes after he collected them from his ex they would come to me upset, because he had been fighting with their mum. I asked him to stop because it was upsetting them and me for that matter! In the end he said the only way for peace was if i had her number for arranging visits, emergencies ect and he just picked up or dropped off the children and tried not to talk to her. That worked for awhile, me and his ex were polite to each other but didnt chat just kept to details. She tried complaining about him but i sat on the fence because i didnt want to get involved in their rows. After awhile he started behaving oddly with his phone and i found out he had given her his new number. We had a row about it because he had done it behind my back and lied to me. I said give her the number but just be honest about it. He decided to change his number again. Things went back to normal but awhile after that he became strange again. Moody and kept complaining about his ex wife. They were fighting again when he collected the children. It turned out he had given her his new number again. This time id had enough of it all and told him if he kept sneaking behind my back and lying i would leave. So for the 3rd time he changed his number vowing he had had enough of fighting with her, she was abusive to him and about me and he wasnt contacting her anymore. All seemed ok after that for a month or so. Then i fell pregnant but there were complications and talk of a termination. I was in pieces. I asked him to keep my condition private for awhile just until we knew what was going to happen. He agreed it was best. I also asked that he didnt mention it to his ex when he collected the children as she wasnt very nice and still had contact with all his family and i didnt want everyone to know about things. He agreed and said he would never tell her because she would just be nasty about me. A few weeks later i was told there were major problems with the baby and a termintaion was advised. I was very distressed. I cried for days at the thought of terminating my baby. The hospital told me there was a good chance i would have a natural miscarriage, so i opted to wait as i didnt have the courage to go through with a termination. It was a few days after this that i got a bad feeling my partner was up to something again. He had confessed to me that he had told his dad about the baby and problems. I said it was ok because it hadnt been fair of me to expect him not to tell anyone as i imagined he was as upset as me. But then i started to wonder if he had told anyone else because he was moody and odd with his phone again. So one night i checked his phone. He was texting his ex. I found a message asking her to understand what a difficult time he was having with me and he was sorry but he couldnt have the children that weekend because i was having a termintaion. That wasnt true. He was using a termination as an excuse so he didnt have to have the children. I was horrified with him but he just looked sheepish and said sorry, he would change his number again! As if that was the problem! I went to the rest of the hospital appointments with my daughter because i didnt want him with me. And i lost the baby at home with my daughter with me. He offered to come home from work on the day but i didnt want him with me because i had a fear he would go around telling everyone all about it. I was ill afterwards with a hospital infection for a couple of months. He asked if i wanted to split up with him. I didnt know what to do. I loved him but felt he had really let me down at a time i needed his support. While a was ill he looked after me at home. I didnt feel strong enough to leave him. I told him we could sort out what to do once i was better but i felt he didnt really love me properly and i thought he still loved his ex wife because of the way he had behaved. He got angry when i said that and punched our fridge freezer so hard it broke some bones in his hand. So i stopped saying it to him but always wondered. Since then we have rebuilt our relationship and ive recovered but been left with IBS since all the trouble. Now and again we would talk about things and he would reassure me he had loved me while i was going through everything and hes sorry he let me down. Ive never felt the same for him or health wise since it all happened. A year ago he stopped seeing his children. He said his ex wife wouldnt be polite to him so until she could be, he wouldnt see them. It upset them alot and me. And his ex was very upset with him and begged him to change his mind and promised alsorts. He still refused. She contacted me several times asking if i could help but he wouldnt and wont listen to me either, he just flatly refuses to see them and has no contact with anyone them now, his ex included. A few months ago we were talking about things and he has said that for the first year we were together he didnt love me and felt no loyalty towards me at all. He was so cold when he said it. It floored me although i think i always knew it but he had been so adamant he did love me. I dont know what to do now. Hes brushing it off because it was a while ago now but it has brought up all the old feelings i had and i feel very angry with him. He has been good to me since the miscarriage, bar not seeing his children things have been stable. But i want to throw him out one minute and love him the next. I just dont know what to do. Any suggestions would be gratefully received. Thank you for reading this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BagLady  +, writes (4 March 2010):
Sorry-meant to write that he *HASN'T* learned how to act in those situations.
A
female
reader, BagLady +, writes (4 March 2010):
You love is something you can't change, but he is not yet ready to be in a relationship and understand it's importance. You need to move on. You were more than likely (from the sound of it) a rebound relationship. He was not in love with you and still isn't.
There will be some men who will tell you in this forum very soon that this is not what men in love do.
He seems to be absorbed in himself and doesn't care how it is affecting you. I think now he has learned to care for you deeply, and may even be committed, but that is not the love you are looking for in a relationship.
You probably need to move on.
I got to see you situation twice in my life-once to my sister and again to the guy I broke up with. He is still making his world around...the EX...even if he doesn't love her-he hasn't gotten over it.
The fact that he decided to not even see hi kids was an extreme move. Probably to not give himself the opportunity to make the same mistakes-which means he has learned how to act yet in those situations.
But as you can see, he put his struggles and needs before even the care of his children, who need a father, in order to make it easier for himself....or perhaps to shield his kids from how screwed up he is-i don't know the details so I'll leave room for that.
If you want to have an opportunity to have true love, you need to be strong enough to let this one go and establish good boundaries for yourself.
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