A
female
age
36-40,
*irlyxox
writes:After my previous post where me and my boyfriend have been on break for 3 weeks after a big row over one of my flaws..I ended up in A and E yesterday after an accident in work..my mother text him to let him know and he rung her right away. What's upsetting is he has been messaging my mum to ask how I am and text her again today to ask how I've been..my mother asked him why don't you message me, he said "i don't wanna get her hopes up" but then told her he wanted to have a chat with her for some advice, because after 3 weeks of space he's still worried about getting back with me but he's missing me terribly and the break has been hell for him.He then said that he wants to know if I can continue my treatment ans try and change he would come back..But he's upsetting my mother in a way because she's become a "messenger" and having to deal with my problems because he won't talk to me, and instead of chatting to her discussing OUR relationship, he should be talking to me and not my mother first!I wanna stand up to him...course my family advises I'll just push him away more... What do I do? should my mother keep filling him in on how I am?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 August 2018):
 You want to stand up to him? He’s done nothing wrong. He’s just confused, but knows he doesn’t want to be with you if you don’t get help. That doesn’t mean he won’t be a bit worried if you end up in hospital.It’s clear you have a lot to work on, so it was a wise decision not to talk to you directly. You shouldn’t talk to him because it just makes it more messy and will definitely lead to more arguments because you haven’t changed yet.Your mum can tell him she’ll give him health updates, but won’t discuss your relationship.Once you’re out of hospital (or now, if you already are), get into therapy for your “flaws”/issues. Nothing will improve with him or anyone else if you don’t continuously work on the things that push people away and your urge to do things others tell you is a bad idea.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 August 2018):
 I think you can take him at face value , and I think you are proving him right -if he contacted you directly, you'd start reading volumes into it and maybe seeing it as a sign that he must be willing to have you back . See how strongly and emotionally you react to what , after all, is a very normal, polite, civil behaviour. I mean, whatever your current status is, you are no stranger to him. You are someone whom he cares about ,first of all as a human being , not necessarily as a lover, past or future. He said it very clearly, that unless you change X behaviour which he dislikes, and can prove him you have actually changed for good, - he does not want to be with you. Then again, you have an accident and end up in hospital- I think it's absolutely normal that he wants to know how you are doing, when are you getting out, etc.
Why, I think that if Honeypie or Wise OwlE or any other of the " regulars " posted on DC " Tomorrow I am being admitted to the hospital to have a surgical operation " , I'd PM them to wish them good luck and a prompt recovery, and we are talking about people that I have never met and I'll never meet ! No man is an island- you end up in A & E , and your S.O., or ex S.O. checks on you , not surprisingly. But he does it through a third party, because he is afraid that if he calls you directly… you'll get ideas, which as of now are unfounded and premature.
It seems to me a very logical, believable explanation.
As for your mom not feeling good about it, or not wanting to be a go-between, that makes sense too, but where's the problem ?, if she feels uncomfortable doing that, she surely can tell him ! " Look, sorry but I feel awkward discussing my daughter's personal relationships, this is something I don't want to get involved in. All I can do is to give you , if you wish, the update about her HEALTH conditions ".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2018): Here's an opinion from a guy's point-of-view.
Maybe the problem is you're not an easy person to talk to when you get emotional, or upset. Perhaps he can't communicate with you before you get so pissed-off and defensive, it's no use. Taking a break means there is an impasse before a possible breakup. The bell rings, and everyone retreats to their corners of the ring. Time-out!
Maybe he wants to breakup; but he fears you'll go ballistic, or become suicidal. Or just become an unbearable drama queen!
You both wouldn't be on a break, unless there is a breakdown in communication. Somebody doesn't like to listen, just talk. There is a bad-connection, and no way to reason or have effective-communication. The verdict is in, and you won't like the outcome.
If all the conversation is one-sided. All that gets to be said is how awful he is to you; and what a rotten boyfriend he is. It's possible he has had just about enough of the fighting. If he's a lousy boyfriend; then it's best he leaves.
If he's the source of all your unhappiness; then he must go!
If he's a cheating-scumbag, shows you no affection, you're a shitload of insecurities, he watches porn; and/or there are problems in the bedroom. Perhaps there is no solution for these problems (or too many of them); and it's best to let-go, and move on. You can't demand somebody to fix things; unless both-sides get to tell what makes them dissatisfied with the relationship. Then the problems have to be completely resolved! Not just temporarily-suspended, or put on-hold; just to get him back.
Most people only want to express their opinions; and categorically list all the other person's faults and failures.
By the same token, they don't take constructive-criticism very well themselves. They twist reasonable complaints into abuse, consider it nagging; or become victims, whenever someone tells them what they don't want to hear! They keep their partners constantly apologizing, or forever on a guilt-trip. Tiptoeing around their volatile temper, unmanaged anxieties, or oversensitivity.
Insecurity is usually the killer. Seconded by jealousy. There's no reasoning with people when either are at-play.
You are in rehabilitation after an accident. So if he upsets you while you're in medical-recovery; he gets blamed for exacerbating your medical-condition. I think he knows you, and how you could possibly manipulate this situation to make him look bad. He's not taking any chances. You might down a whole bottle of pain-killers!
All your mom has to do is tell him to stop telling her all your business; just talk to you! He can't talk to you, if all he can expect is nasty-feedback or an argument. Accompanied by a lot tears, emotionalizing, and yelling. You don't kick someone when their down. He wants to know how you're doing; he just doesn't want the drama.
He knows right now you're medically-incapacitated; and he doesn't want to upset you. When in pain or having a bad-day; you may be tough to deal with. Say awful things you can't take back. You're not ready for this yet.
I don't think he wants you back; but he's trying not to be too much of a dick about it.
If he knows he might upset you; he figures he needs a mediator and a witness. So you won't blame him; if you blow a gasket. Your mom is soothing and a good buffer. She offered him advice. It could be to your benefit.
Prepare for bad news.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 August 2018):
 You mom is old enough to tell him, Buster, this is something YOU need to deal with I can't be your messenger. The end.
You shouldn't do it.
Your Bf cares about you but is still unsure if getting back together is the right thing. What does that tell you?
It tells ME that you two have a rocky thing going on. Neither here nor there. He doesn't want what you two had, hoping that you have "changed" or gotten help.
What are you getting treatment for? Because that is where the ISSUE lies.
Can you change? Will you change?
If your MOM wants to keep filling him in, then that is up to her, if she doesn't SHE needs to tell him that she doesn't want to be the go between anymore. Which is OK! She has that right!
You say you want to "stand up to him"... in what regard? Because he has CHOSEN to not be in contact with you while you "work on your issues" but was CARING enough to keep in touch with your mom to hear how you are?
I feel like you have kept a lot of the story out.
People who NEED/WANT breaks in a relationship... aren't really sure they WANT to be with that person. Sometimes taking a break means "letting" the other person down easy. Overall, it usually means... the relationship wasn't working. So what has changed (if anything)?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 August 2018):
 Yes you will only push him away again. He is talking to your mother because you are both on a break but he still cares. I am assuming your post was the one where he wanted a break because you are insecure and paranoid? If that is the case jumping in all guns blazing will push him away. He has clearly said he does not want to get your hopes up. Your mother is an adult and if she doesn't want him messaging her then she can tell him that.
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