A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am having some issues with my roommate. I live in a large,expensive city. I’ve been here for a few years and really like it. I love my job and have a lot of friends. Because I am a teacher and paying for graduate school, I needed to save money. I lived on my own for a few years then decided to get a roommate to save on rent. My roommate this past year was a friend of a friend. I enjoyed living with her, but she moved for work so I needed to find somewhere else to live. None of my friends had a lease ending the same time as ours and I couldn’t afford to extend mine alone. I looked on craigslist and found someone who seemed similar to me in need of a roommate.We met and seemed like a good fit. We both were quiet, clean and professional. I didn’t feel like we would become close, but I really just needed someone respectful who paid rent on time. After signing our lease, she initiated hanging out several times. I also invited her to some things to be polite. I just really didn’t feel a friendship connection with her. We were absolutely cordial and made small talk, but it is so awkward to hang out with her. She mentioned that she wouldn’t mind getting drinks or hanging out occasionally and said she and her past roommate always passed “like ships in the night” I am a very extroverted person, but prefer to have solitude and downtime when I’m in my apartment. I shared this with her, and she agreed. I wanted to be open and honest about what I was looking for in a roommate. The times we hung out were when I was off for summer vacation. Now that I’ve gone back to work full time and am taking grad school courses at the same time, I am much busier. Additionally, I babysit and tutor several times during the week to make extra money to pay for my education. When I come home, if my roommate is home, she jumps out of her room to come greet me. She grills me about my day and weekend like a parent would: who went, how was it, when was it, etc. She’s also invited herself along to some of these events although not invited by me. The first day of school, she asked if I was free to catch up. She works nights part time, so she has a lot more free time. But I see and chat with her nearly every day. I don’t see what we’d need to catch up on! She’s a nice enough person, but if I have any free time, I’d rather spend it with close friends or family. She has friends here and a serious boyfriend. When he was over last week, he complained that he never sees me and suggested we work out together because he joined the same gym. Not only is that weird, but I’ve met him 3 times! I don’t want to sound like a mean person, but how do I handle this? I am always pleasant and polite, was upfront early on, and just exhausted by the end of the day.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2018): I think she's just trying to make conversation and to feel like you get on.Its difficult to brush someone off when they're trying to be nice.You don't want to get to the stage where you are actively avoiding each other.Its much worse when it comes to that.I think its quite respectful that she always acknowledges your presence and I think the problem lies in you and not her.I'm not saying you have any kind of defect but it should be less of a problem to brush her off a bit.So you need to develop a few strategies.The first one could be deferring the chat.You greet her in really friendly and say "n?nn its great to see you.But I' m so knackered from work that I'm going to rest/meditate/ listen to music..." And thats it.Next day "nnnn its great to see you, we really must catch up. Are you up to chipping in for a pizza.We can catch up over pizza on ******.I've had such a hectic day. Gotta go and unwind now." If you think it over there are a million kind ways you can tell someone your not feeling sociable at that time of day.But its good to keep a friendly person onside.Setting specific chilling times might be a good idea.And worrying less about it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2018): Post script:
As for the boyfriend; just let him know you're not looking for a workout-partner. Just say it makes you feel distracted and self-conscious working-out next to a partner. Unless he's a certified personal-trainer, you'll pass!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2018): Pull together some courage. Ask her for a moment of her time, to sit and have a little talk about some house-rules and some of your personal-quirks and pet-peeves.
Be polite and considerate of her feelings; but be direct and get to the point. Explain you'd like her occasional company; but you have your own regular circle of friends. It feels a little intrusive when she invites herself, and it places you in an awkward position to refuse her. It's better to ask first, and if you decline her company; please don't take it personally. You feel a little crowded; and your schedules and routines are pretty much set. Her feelings might be hurt a little, and she may be a little embarrassed. She seems reasonable enough to understand.
Unless some rules and boundaries are set; you're going to lose-it and blow-up on her. She's only trying to be nice.
I don't know about you; but I feel better when I know I can trust the person sleeping in the same apartment. Someone around my food and personal-items. I'd feel secure knowing we get along somewhat like friends. In such confined and intimate circumstances. So I'd be somewhat more tolerant.
I have to trust that person when I'm most vulnerable; so we can only get along when we establish reasonable boundaries and stay somewhat friendly. Snubbing a roommate is not a good idea; but honesty will work things out.
If you don't want intrusions or sharing your space; get a place all to yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 August 2018):
 Tell her one night she pops out when you get home and tired, that you LOVE your peace and quiet at home after a long day at work, then excuse yourself and go to your room or whatever.
KEEP doing that until she backs off a little. I would sorta slowly "wean" her off from spending much time together. Since you live together and you RELY on her income to pay some of the bills, I would do this gently and over time.
If the BF brings up the gym again tell him you PREFER to work out alone or simply wear headphones. I always had Ipod with my playlist going at the gym, PERFECT way to avoid others from talking to you. Usually works.
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