A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Been together almost 5 yrs. We live together and have a joint bank account. I have been working for the same company for 2 years now, full time, doing about 50 hrs per week. About one year ago he suddenly quit the job he had been with for a long time. He did not put his 2 weeks in and use that 2 weeks to look for another job. He just quit on a whim. Said they weren't treating him fairly. He took his time before he finally got serious about looking for another job. There was at least 3 weeks where we were super broke living off only my income. Well he found another job, but then after a few weeks quit it as well, and so on. He has repeated this pattern for an entire year. Gone through about 8 jobs. Some lasted longer than others, but no more than 2 months before quitting again. It has been an unbelievably stressful year for me as we have been struggling financially. When he quits one job, there is no sense of urgency to find another. He gives himself anywhere between 1-3 weeks before he starts looking for a new job. He's basically given himself 7 vacations. And during all of those vacations he has had, I am still going to work everyday and although I make more than he does, my paychecks hardly get us through until the next job he gets. It is so stressful trying to get by on scraps.My job has been killing me. He knows this. I am overworked and exhausted. I told him last month that I finally had vacation time I wanted to use because I need a break. I told him how important it would be for him to be employed in June this year. June is my birthday month and I already put in my week vacation time and can't take it back, so I wanted to make sure we had money so I could actually do something fun. He was just starting a new job at this time when I told him, and he agreed with me and seemed to understand what I was saying. He went on and on about how much he liked this new one and that he would stay with them for a while...Well yesterday, June 12, was my birthday. And he quit, and came home early.. On my f***ing birthday..I didn't say anything, but I was so upset. I have always been supportive of his decisions hoping that eventually he would find the right job for him. But the past few times this has happened I have been getting so sick of it to the point where now I am writing this on here to you all. He not only ruined my birthday, but he ruined my "vacation" next week. We have to pay all the bills and since his last check is this week, I will not be able to go anywhere next week, and can't even afford to go out for my birthday this weekend. I am so devastated to have to go through yet another broke period. I live in California,and it's starting to get really hot, and I can't even afford to buy summer clothes. I know he has his problems. He's depressed, and has a drinking problem. But I'm depressed too. My anxiety has been out of control lately because of work. My depression has been killing me this year because not only did I lose my grandpa 2 months ago, but my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and is currently undergoing chemo. I have been so mentally exhausted and overwhelmed, and I feel like this is pushing me over the edge. I feel like he is not considering me at all with how terrible this timing is and doesn't seem to feel bad. I don't think he is mentally capable of behaving like a responsible adult right now.I talked to my best friend about it this morning, and she thinks I need to move out and back in with my parents. It would be quite a lot of work; I share a lease with him which isn't up til December. I would need to get a separate banking account and change my direct deposit. I would need to move an hour away, and probably quit my job because I can't see myself commuting. I would need to get a new phone as I am on his plan. Then get the utilities out of my name.. Ugh it is such a mess. And that's what I am dreading, is that whole process. Please let me know if you have any advice. Maybe you have been in this same situation. I need help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2019): So sorry for your loss.
I think your friend is correct, you have to move out. Start slowly by first getting a new bank account of your own and change over your direct deposit.
Next get your own phone and plan. Save up if you need to in your own new bank account to get your own phone. You can do those things anytime.
Then, start looking for new places that you could move to in December when your current lease is up. I would not suggest moving before that because you know your boyfriend will not pay the rent if you leave and it will leave you on the hook for it anyway.
Don't Quit your job!
You may not have to go back to your parents' home an hour away. Put the word out among your friends and co-workers to see if any of them, or anyone they know, is looking for a roommate. You have 6 months to look! You may be able to get something closer for a comparable amount that you are paying already (or maybe less since you are paying his share already right?)
There is no requirement to inform him of your plans to move out yet either, unless you want to and know that he will not get angry and retaliate. He is responsible for his own living arrangements. Toward the end of the year once you have your own arrangements made you can let him know you are not renewing the lease and moving out, and he can make his own search for his own place.
You can notify the utility companies of your move out date and new address, once you know it, and that will be the end of that. Should not be too much trouble, only a few phone calls.
Yes all of that is a hassle, but if you tackle the tasks in steps it will not seem as bad. You have 6 months to work with. Make sure to give your landlord any required notice of non-renewal so you have no loose ends to pay.
Once you have split your finances and living spaces, you two can talk about how to navigate a new relationship with not living together. Don't put yourself in that position again until he has proven that he is stable and employed for a long time. If he cannot do this, you may need to make a decision about staying with someone who will only ever be a financial dependent.
Remember to take care of yourself first, and do not be a burden for others. That is what functional, responsible adults do, as you already know.
I wish you the best, keep moving forward and doing the right thing, and all will turn out ok for you.
R
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2019): First change that bank account to your name only or get a new one and put every cent in there. Then you dump him.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (15 June 2019):
 Do as your friend says, she has it spot on! The guy is a bum, you’re enabling him to live off your wage, once or twice maybe I could let slide, but 8 times in a year? That’s taking the piss!
I’m so sorry to hear about your mother and the passing of your grandfather, what you DO NOT need on top of that is looking after this man child! He needs to grow up and understand that he needs to pay his own way and he can learn that by you walking out and finding someone that already knows that worth. This guy is a waster, leave him to it. The process of changing all of your bills will be a VERY small price to pay when you compare it to the sense of relief and freedom when you get rid of this bum.
You can do better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): Alas there are men and women who can't hold a job because they don't have the patience and the psychology to conform and fit with other coworkers and they can't stand the idea of taking orders from superiors or accept critisizim. They end up either getting into fights at the work place and get fired or they run away. They are tagged as bums by the society. I can only reitirate what Honeypie and wiseawle had already said that you must take a firm, final and irrevocable decision to leave him and after that all the other actions required to untangle your affairs will fall into place.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (14 June 2019):
 Your boyfriend is acting immature and irresponsible not to mention uncaring. He is the type of person that will bleed you dry both emotionally and financially if you allow him to do so. I'm so sorry for what you are going through in regards to your family and you certainly do not need the added stress that your boyfriend is putting on you.Start separating yourself from him. I know this won't be easy especially if you love him but you need to get away from him. He isn't going to change sweetie. It will only get worse and as long as you keep tightening the belt and taking up the slack, he's going to allow you to do so.Do as the other wise aunts/uncles have suggested. Start with your salary the bank account. See what options you have with the lease. If you can't break it or its too big of a hassle then ride it out. If you can get along with your parents maybe move back home for awhile. I'm sure your mother would appreciate having you around and perhaps you can help her. A room mate/studio flat is the best way to go.You are right, its going to be time consuming, messy and not pleasant but yes, you need to end the relationship with the man. He's using you and you deserve better. Tell him the truth that you can't take care of both of you that's not what a relationship is. I wish you all the best sweetie.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 June 2019):
 He is your BF, NOT your husband. YOU do not OWE him to take care of him financially and cover HIS slack constantly, NO wonder you are stressed!
First off. GET your own bank account ASAP. NO need to SHARE finances if he DOESN'T really pitch in financially. NO WAY.
Get a bank account in YOUR name only where you get YOUR salary deposited.
That is step #1
Next is the lease. You need to talk to your landlord and see if you can get out of the lease. ASAP.
Then you need to find a place to live close enough to your job that it's not adding stress to your life. Look for a room mate situation, something cheap. That you can afford on your own.
When ALL your ducks are in a row. You sit your BF down and tell him that you are leaving. That you JUST can not take care of 50 hours of work a week AND him as well. That you are MISERABLE trying to make ends meet and HE isn't helping one bit. He couldn't EVEN try and make it special for your birthday.
THE longer you STAY with this guy, the LONGER this will continue. DOESN'T matter that he is depressed. HE needs to either get help with that or GET off his ass!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): I am so sorry about your mother, and my sincere condolences for the loss of your grandfather. You're going through hell right now. You have to hold it together, as best you can!
You gotta do what you gotta do! Start untangling your accounts! Get yourself an inexpensive phone plan or track phone for the time being.
Contact Human Resources at your job and discontinue your direct-deposit, open another bank account, and transfer your funds. Let the balance in the old account deplete. Close the check card. If you have joint credit cards, you're screwed. You have to pay the balances, if he won't! Your credit is in jeopardy! Do not cancel credit cards, it will lower your credit score! You simply payoff the balances, and leave them dormant.
You can discontinue authorized users. Just call the number on the back of the card, and remove the authorized user! If he can't pay, he has no right to use them!
Stay put, let the lease run-out; but don't renew another lease with your lazy boyfriend. Start looking for a small and affordable place close to your job. If you live in an apartment, maybe there's a studio apartment you can rent when the lease runs out.
Prioritize! Make a to-do list, and do one thing at a time. Starting with stopping direct deposit; while you open a new bank account in your name only. You can activate a track phone in one day. Ask to be removed from his phone plan, and have your portion of the bill under your phone number sent directly to you. Sit around dithering, and you'll be paying all the bills by yourself!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): Fortunately for you, I have been in a similar situation. My boyfriend has been on and off with jobs as well. However, I myself do not have a job but am living with my parents and have recently finished college. I believe your situation in particular worsened the second you and your boyfriend moved in together and have joined bank accounts. There is a push and pull within finances and this has affected both of your behaviors. I would first suggest to focus on yourself. Take the time to figure out what you would like to do and manage to get yourself a job. If that’s not possible, accept an internship or volunteer work to gain work experience. Then, figure out how your boyfriend is treating you. Other than a financial crisis, has he been good to you? Does he treat you well? What do others think of him? What does your boyfriend think of you? I was in a similar mindset as you, wanting to leave because of the money problems. Everything else is temporary, you will heal over time and so will your boyfriend. If all fails, then consider moving in with your parents, although be sure to get their input as well to avoid any awkward situations.
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