A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 1 1/2 yrs has cheated on me with another woman that he said he knows for many years. He said is nothing serious, he helps her out when she needs him and he can count on one hand how many times he had sex with her while we been together. I asked him why? he said I wouldn't understand it..."it's a macho thing". He said that he is not going to do it ever again that I have his "word".Our relationship had problems for a while, in part due to him having kids and not having much time for me. I have kids and had no problem having him around them at my house. Him on the other hand, introduced me casually (for 5 mts) to his kids once and all along I had to push for the relationship to move forward.I am in my mid 40s and it is not easy to go out and meet new people for me...I want him back, we get along real well, but I am not sure if I can trust him again and have a healthy relationship. I insulted the heck out of him last time we texted (a couple days ago) and I haven't heard from him since. Should I call him? I think that he is the one the messed up and should be begging me to talk to him and forgive him. If I call him...would he think he can do whatever he wants because I love him and will take him back?
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female
reader, askme! +, writes (11 December 2012):
Dear Anonymous writer:There are many ways of cheating on your significant other. There is emotional cheating which is when they are not talking to their partner; they are there body wise but not mentally or emotionally. They talk to another person instead of their significant other. The other way of cheating is by having sex with another person. Self-esteem also plays a part in cheating sometimes. The person needs to feel wanted by more than one person and have the attention of many.
Cheating in some religion is considered a sin. Some of the other religions it’s not considered a big thing. You just need to ask him to tell you why he did it. Don’t let him give you that “it’s a macho thing.” Fedwa Malti-Douglas defines adultery by explaining “In many definitions a married man commits adultery only if he has sex with a married women not his wife; if the man’s paramour is not married, neither is an adulterer.” If the man is in a serious relationship no matter if he is married or not he should have some respect for the person that is there for him and not cheat on her. M. Farouk Radwan says that one of the signs of cheating is “Sudden interest in improving his appearance.” People in general are comfortable with themselves. Some of the reason they change is to like themselves more or to impress someone they are trying to be close to.
We all have low self-esteem issues and that is one issue we have to work for ourselves. Gerard A. Callanan and Jeffrey H. Greenhaus state that “Considerable research and theory suggest that low-self-esteem individuals are generally unhappy and dissatisfied with themselves.” There are many ways of that you can higher your self-esteem. One is look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a nice compliment like “you have a nice smile” and show yourself that you are not dissatisfied with yourself. Katherine Fox in her Twelve valuable steps to raise your self esteem mentions twelve different ways to boost up our self-esteem one of them is “Stop comparing yourself with other people.” She explains that there will always be someone out there looking, feeling, and have more than you, but there will someone that has a lot less than you. Comparing two things that are totally different will never make them have the same values, look, or better than the other.
What do I think you should do? If he hasn’t texted or called he clearly doesn’t want to talk to you. If he wanted you back he would have been at your house asking for your forgiveness. He would also have given you a clear explanation of why he did it. I don’t think you should take him back because he clearly doesn’t want you back. You focus on your kids, make yourself look and feel better and then he will want you back but by that time you would have moved on to a better place.
Here are some websites that could help you in learning more of why he did what he did and how you can feel good about yourself. I hope this helps.
• Encyclopedia of Sex and Gender
• Encyclopedia of Career Development
• http://www.2knowmyself.com/is_he_cheating_on_me/signs_of_men_cheating/signs_of_emotional_cheating
• http://hypnotherapy.net/12se.shtml this one is to help you higher your self-esteem
A
female
reader, nestaaahh +, writes (11 December 2012):
Dear Anonymous Person,
When a woman in a relationship is blinded by love, trying to decide whether to stay or get out of a 1 ½ year relationship is a very confusing and difficult thing to do. In my opinion a couple truly in love shows respect, trust, and affection for one another. Unfortunately, in your case, your boyfriend seems to be lacking in all three aspects. Not only does he not respect you, but he shows no interest in wanting to win you back nor does he show that he’s sorry for his actions.
I’m sure you, along with every woman who’s ever been cheated on, have heard the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater.” The fact that you find yourself questioning whether you can trust your boyfriend is a sign that maybe you’re better off without him. According to the article “Should You Take Him Back? Things to Keep in Mind When Your Boyfriend Cheats on You”, by Derek Blandford, if you find yourself still in love with a cheating boyfriend, there are several things you should consider before taking him back. First, ask yourself if cheating is something you are willing to forgive. For some people, cheating is a gigantic violation of trust and love and is an unforgiveable offense. For others, cheating is something they are willing to overlook and/or work through. You must decide where you stand on this. Second, if you are willing to forgive, are you also willing to forget and start fresh with a clean slate? Getting back together is pointless if you can’t put the incident behind you. The last thing Blandford says is that you should understand people, for the most part, don’t change that much. People who cheat are more likely to cheat again than people who don’t. There are cases where people realize they made a huge mistake and never do it again, but many times the old adage of “once a cheater, always a cheater” holds true.
Now, like many of us who try to see the good in every soul, you may be one of the optimistic few who want to believe their partner is part of one of the cases where the cheating person realizes they made a huge mistake and never cheats again. Unfortunately, your boyfriend, who justifies his cheating by saying it’s a “macho thing”, doesn’t really come off as the remorseful type. In her article, “When to Take Back a Cheating Man, Boyfriend, or Husband”, Katie Lersch states that “a man who is worth taking back after cheating is a man who is willing to walk down the path of healing with you, even if it is embarrassing, inconvenient, painful, or uncomfortable. In short, he’s willing to prove himself trustworthy and willing to do whatever it takes until you’re OK again. These men are often reassuring, attentive, and patient when you check up on them.” The fact that your boyfriend viewed his cheating with another woman as ‘nothing serious’ and you haven’t heard from him since you decided to confront him should tell you that he is not willing to make things right with you.
I mentioned before that three key elements to a healthy relationship are respect, trust, and affection. Cheating in a relationship is definitely a way of disrespecting your partner and this always leads to a lack of trust. I wish I could tell you your boyfriend made up for these flaws by showing you tons of affection but unfortunately the only one showing any affection is you. Showing affection means more than getting along and meeting his kids casually for five minutes. You said that your boyfriend is only there for the other woman when she needs him. But what happens when you need him? If he really cared about you he would want to spend every possible second he could with you. He would want you around his family and loved ones and he would most definitely be begging you to forgive him for not doing any of the above. If he’s clearly not doing any of this, he doesn’t deserve someone like you.
Like I said before, breaking up with someone whom you’ve dedicated so much time and love to is not going to be easy. You may feel like you have just given this man two years of your life you can never get back. This, however, should never be a reason for you to decide to stay with someone who is not 100% committed to making you happy. Don’t think of it as you having given this man almost two WHOLE years of your commitment, but rather be thankful you’re realizing you deserve someone better at this point in time. So many women – older women particularly – will be in a miserable relationship for countless years but will be too scared to leave a ‘secure’ relationship in fear that they will not be able to find someone new. If age has anything to do with finding love, it is only because many older women have a lower self-esteem and have a harder time finding themselves desirable and hot. Before letting anyone else in your life, you must first learn to love and respect yourself. By respect yourself, I mean you must learn to never settle for someone who will treat you any less than what you deserve. Once you’ve done that, you must get out there again. Whether it's the internet, introduction agencies, singles events, special interest groups such as Classical Partners, charitable/church organisations, or business networking, no stone must be left unturned. "It's all about having joie de vivre, being light and feeling that life is fun," says American dating expert, Paula Rosdol, who believes that no woman is beyond hope. ''You're never too old to love and to be loved.''
For more discussions, information, and advice about cheating partners and dating tips for older women, check out some of the following:
- http://ezinearticles.com/?When-to-Take-Back-a-Cheating-Man,-Boyfriend,-Or-Husband&id=2160916
- http://ezinearticles.com/?Should-You-Take-Him-Back?-Things-to-Keep-in-Mind-When-Your-Boyfriend-Cheats-on-You&id=4615186
- http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/relationship-advice-and-romance/7473040/Dating-after-40-canny-ways-to-improve-your-prospects.html
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A
male
reader, GoAngel1993 +, writes (11 December 2012):
Dear Anonymous Writer:
In a relationship there will be times where one may feel like they felt betrayed or simply without any other options. Therefore you must find that desire to want to have options for yourself. Women have self-esteem issues already some may believe they are too fat when they go to the gym everyday and others may think they are ugly when they have all sorts of guys chasing after them. A woman should not feel like she needs to stay with a men just because she has become a little older, especially if the man has cheated on her and refuses to explain why he did it. They need to get up in the morning everyday and remind themselves that they are somebody and they deserve better than what they were given.
Women often times seem to have self-esteem issues due to a lot of factors. Age will be the main one, just because a women is a little older does not mean she still can’t go out and have a good time and meet someone. Unfortunately there is a lot of negativity towards women and if they really lack self-esteem.
If your partner has cheated on you and you cannot seem to find the courage to leave him, than you need to rethink your whole perspective on life. A woman should not feel like she has to stay with a man because she can’t get “back out there”. Age is only a number that defines your maturity and experiences in life. Just because you feel like forty-seven years old does not mean that you are. A person can feel as young and as alive as they want to be. Don not let your partner make you feel like he is your only option, especially if he cheats and does not explain why. Also, the whole “it’s a macho thing” just shows that he is self-centered and believes he can have anyone he wants. He enjoyed having sex with that other women because he felt empowered at the fact that you didn’t need an explanation and he can do anything he wanted to without an explanation.
People tend to put other priorities in front of themselves, so that leads to neglect and low self-esteem. A person should have that sense of confidence they had when they were teenagers because it never left it was just buried under a whole new person who only focuses on work. Sometimes you need to do things to bring back that confidence so you can go back out there such as: going to the gym and hanging out with friends. Just remember to be social don’t be a social outcast because you are only hurting yourself.
So to wrap it all up just try and become more proactive about the way you live your life and how you see yourself. If your partner does not want to grow up and accept his mistakes and try and work them out as adults, then don’t call him back. He will be fine without you and you will be better without him. Do not let him have that control over you where he expects you to come running back after him when he just cheated on you, again. Remember rethink your life and what you really want out of it. I hope it works out for you, best of luck.
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A
male
reader, GoAngel1993 +, writes (11 December 2012):
Dear Anonymous Writer: In a relationship there will be times where one may feel like they felt betrayed or simply without any other options. Therefore you must find that desire to want to have options for yourself. Women have self-esteem issues already some may believe they are too fat when they go to the gym everyday and others may think they are ugly when they have all sorts of guys chasing after them. A woman should not feel like she needs to stay with a men just because she has become a little older, especially if the man has cheated on her and refuses to explain why he did it. They need to get up in the morning everyday and remind themselves that they are somebody and they deserve better than what they were given. Women often times seem to have self-esteem issues due to a lot of factors. Age will be the main one, just because a women is a little older does not mean she still can’t go out and have a good time and meet someone. Unfortunately there is a lot of negativity towards women and if they really lack self-esteem. If your partner has cheated on you and you cannot seem to find the courage to leave him, than you need to rethink your whole perspective on life. A woman should not feel like she has to stay with a man because she can’t get “back out there”. Age is only a number that defines your maturity and experiences in life. Just because you feel like forty-seven years old does not mean that you are. A person can feel as young and as alive as they want to be. Don not let your partner make you feel like he is your only option, especially if he cheats and does not explain why. Also, the whole “it’s a macho thing” just shows that he is self-centered and believes he can have anyone he wants. He enjoyed having sex with that other women because he felt empowered at the fact that you didn’t need an explanation and he can do anything he wanted to without an explanation. People tend to put other priorities in front of themselves, so that leads to neglect and low self-esteem. A person should have that sense of confidence they had when they were teenagers because it never left it was just buried under a whole new person who only focuses on work. Sometimes you need to do things to bring back that confidence so you can go back out there such as: going to the gym and hanging out with friends. Just remember to be social don’t be a social outcast because you are only hurting yourself. So to wrap it all up just try and become more proactive about the way you live your life and how you see yourself. If your partner does not want to grow up and accept his mistakes and try and work them out as adults, then don’t call him back. He will be fine without you and you will be better without him. Do not let him have that control over you where he expects you to come running back after him when he just cheated on you, again. Remember rethink your life and what you really want out of it. I hope it works out for you, best of luck.
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A
female
reader, AnotherAnonymousUser +, writes (11 December 2012):
Dear Anonymous,There are many people whom, as yourself, have the misfortune of having to deal with cheating boyfriends/ girlfriends or husbands/wives. There are fewer, though, who question whether or not they should take this person back. There are even fewer, who, despite what the other person did or, how many times they have done something to them, they will take them back. A lot of times it could simply mean that this person was not thinking with their head, but with their heart. They eventually realize their mistakes and correct them. Sometimes, however, there are people who think they will never find anyone as good as that person. No one will ever love them as much. These people believe they’re the problem. They are not, they just suffer from low self-esteem.There are many people who suffer from, low-self confidence. Some negative consequences of low self-esteem to your lifestyle are, “Taking too much responsibility for the lives of others and fear of change and reluctance to take risks”, as told by Suzanne E. Harrill, writer of the Innerwords Messenger. A lot of times people don’t want to let go of certain choices in their life for fear of change and comfort ability. As stated by Luann Brizendine, MD, a neuropsychiatric at University of California, San Francisco and author of The Female Brain, “It turns out there’s an area of your brain that’s assigned the task of negative thinking. It’s judgmental. It says, I’m too fat or I’m too old”. I remember you saying you were too old, with kids, so it would not be as easy finding someone to settle down with. I believe the problem isn’t about deciding whether or not you should call him. I believe the answer is obvious on that matter. I do, however, believe the problem leads to trust issues. Not just on other people, but on yourself as well.?When you can trust yourself and learn to love yourself all other things in life will fall in place. I’m sure you won’t show improvement over the course of one night, but it will pay off in the long run. According to the Mayo Clinic staff, these are some suggestions for helping boost your self-confidence, “Tip One: Identify troubling conditions or situations”, also, “Tip two: Become aware of thoughts and beliefs”. Once you know what is causing your pain you should move away from it. Just forget about it. All those stressful questions will no longer disturb your brain. Other ways to help improve your self-esteem is by taking time to be alone as suggested by Harrill, the Innewords Messenger, keeping away from people who aren’t good enough for you is a great way to boost your self-esteem.?Breaking up with your boyfriend will not be very simple. Here are a few steps, which can help you get over him quicker, as seen on LIvestrong.com, Step one: Write your feelings in a journal. Step two: talk with friends, who have been through terrible break ups, they will help. Step three is to go out and try and do more activities. Being in your house alone can lead you to bad decisions. The last step is to go get a makeover and not just fell good on the inside but on the outside as well. Something else you could do to help is to try writing in a journal. Write about everything going on in your life. What you love about yourself. All this could help a lot.?I don’t think you should worry too much on taking back your boyfriend. As a matter-of-fact you should focus on your own self and on your kids. Once you learn to love who you are, there will come someone who will love you as well, just give it some time. My aunt got married at fifty-five and she is still happily married at eighty-seven. Just keep moving forward, even though the bad things are easier to believe in, the good things are real.Best of luck in your choices.
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A
male
reader, diegoo21 +, writes (11 December 2012):
Dear anonymous person,My mom always says, “It takes more out of a man to be faithful, then to go out and cheat.” People get cheated on all the time and it will never stop. Many people have been in the same situation as you and things have worked out for the best. Some people stay with the person they love and go on to be happy for the rest of theirs lives. Others, simply go out and find someone who is better, right, and not a “macho man.” No one should have to go through the pain of getting cheated on and to tell you the truth, you deserve a much better man who will treat you right. You definitely should not take this “macho man” back.In the article, The Best Way to Deal With A Cheating Boyfriend, Vijay Shinde states that “If your boyfriend has cheated you more than three times, you should think of searching for a better guy in your life.” She could not have said this any better. You need to open your eyes and accept some of the possibilities that may have occurred in the past year and a half. I noticed quite a few things after finishing what you presented to us. One of the possibilities that may be is that, he may not be all that into you. Another thing is that, you may be the one he is using to cheat on. In other words, you might be his “sancha.” Finally, and the biggest thing is, you have low self-esteem.You stated, “I have insulted the heck out of him last time we texted (a couple days ago) and haven’t heard from him since.” You even said it yourself that he should be begging for you, not the other way around. Your are absolutely correct, he should. Also, you need to think of the possibilities of why he is not doing so. In my opinion, he is not because he not that in to you. Maybe this guy did not want anything serious with you. The faster you realize this the better you’ll be.Another thing you stated was that he did not really bring you around his kids, approximately five minutes or so. Is there a reason to this action? Is this an accident or is it in his intentions? He has cheated on you with a women whom he has known for many years. To me, one possibility is that she may be the mother of his kids, or even his wife for all we know and you are the one he is using to cheat on. He has lied before obviously. He could have lied about that as well. After all, it is a “macho thing.” In the article, Comment and Analysis: At last we can abandon that tosh about low self- esteem: The psychobabblers' snake-oil remedies have been exposed as a sham, Polly Toynbee mentions, “Those with low self-esteem are more likely to commit suicide, to be depressed, to become victims of bullying, domestic violence, loneliness and social ostracism.” You should really take into consideration what Toynbee had to say about low self-esteem. I know it might not be as easy finding a soul mate at the age you are in, but, it is still pretty easy. We have technology now, which plays a huge role in our social lives. There are so many social networks that you can get into. There are some like: Face Book, Twitter, Instagram, and so many more where people meet new people. There is also numerous dating cites you can join and there is no shame in that. The main ones are eHarmony.com, Cupiddating.com, Meetme.com is another great one. It is much easier than you think it is to meet your perfect soul mate.You are the one who got cheated on. You deserve a real man to treat you right. There will be no trust in your relationship with this “macho man” and you can not have a healthy relationship without trust. You will be able to go out I find a much better man to be by your side, to be there though thick and thin, to love you. I hope I didn’t offend you in anyway. I am only looking out for your best interest. This is advice coming from a guy who has been cheated on. Hope everything turns out in your favor. For more discussions, information, and advice about low self-esteem management, check out some of the following articles:1)The Best Ways to Deal With a Cheating Boyfriend2)Comment and Analysis: At last we can abandon that tosh about low self- esteem: The psychobabblers' snake-oil remedies have been exposed as a sham
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A
female
reader, Freckletone +, writes (10 December 2012):
Dear Anonymous Person,
Being in a relationship is hard; let alone being in a relationship with a man who is younger than you are. It is not the age difference that has affected your relationship, but the fact that he is an immature person. He has cheated and lied to you not only once, but multiple times yet you keep taking him back. Although, it is not easy to let go of someone you love; if the love you have for him is greater than the love you have for yourself it is best to let him go.
In order for a relationship to work both individuals must want to be in a relationship and commit to it 100%. In your case it seems you are more into the relationship than he is by pushing the relationship forward and trying to make it work. On the other hand; he has not moved a finger (figuratively speaking) to try to fix the relationship; instead, he walked away from the situation making you believe it was your fault that he cheated rather than his own. Everyone has a choice, and he chose to cheat on you. He did not care if he lost the relationship you both had worked hard to build for 1-1/2 years; your trust and respect. I don’t believe for one bit that it was your fault he cheated on you and neither should you.
No woman deserves to be cheated on nor accept to be cheated on. You have been in what is called an “Addictive relationship,” by The University of Illinois at Urban-Champaign Counseling Center. According to the University of Illinois, “You give yourself reasons for staying in the relationship that are not really accurate or that are not strong enough to counteract the harmful aspects of the relationship”. You are allowing your boyfriend to cheat on you and are making excuses for his wrong doing. If he has cheated once, he will cheat again and again. You won’t be the first or the last woman he cheats on, however; you can be the first woman to walk away and find someone who actually deserves you.
Although you are in your mid 40’s, your age should not define who you are, nor discourage you from meeting new people. I know it is hard to end a relationship of 1-1/2 years but at the same time no one said ending a relationship is ever easy. The longer you wait and stay with him, the harder it will be to end the relationship. Do not be afraid to be alone, because when people are and feel lonely they tend to settle for less than they deserve and you deserve more than that. Be happy with yourself; take this time to think of what you really want from a relationship. Open your heart as well as your mind and just keep this in mind; don’t give up on love give up on the men you are dating.
I believe you are confused and need help understanding that this is not a healthy relationship for you to be in. You are in a downward spiral and if you don’t get out of this relationship it is only going to get worse. I have read “How to Heal your Broken Heart: The Secrets to Getting Over a Relationship, Breakup, or Divorce,” by Dating Coach (es): Otto Collins and Susie and would recommend you read it too. I believe this book can help you view the reality of what actually happened in your relationship, let it go and move on. I hope this book can help you as it has helped me and just maybe it can help you get over this relationship and enter into a much healthier one where you can be happy.
I hope that my advice can help you make the right decision here is the title and authors of the boook and the link to article in "Addictive Relationships" if you would like to take a look of it. Good Luck.
-Addictive Relationship Article
http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=186
- How to Heal your Broken Heart: The Secrets to Getting Over a Relationship Breakup or Divorce by Dating Coach(es): Otto CollinsSusie
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A
female
reader, lipemo +, writes (10 December 2012):
December 9, 2012
Dear anonymous person:
For some people, cheating is a terrible violation of trust and love. It is also an unforgivable offense. However, other people forgive their partner and go on to have a meaningful, long lasting relationship. Having or not an answer whether you can decide to forgive or not your partner, it can be associated with depression and low self-esteem. Depression is a serious condition that that can impact every area of your life. It can affect your social life, relationships, and sense of self-worth and purpose. You seem to have a rally low self-esteem because of your age, so you are having a huge moment of depression. You must consider yourself first, before deciding on your choice of forgiving your boyfriend or not.
First of all, one main thing you have to face is accepting yourself as the way you are. You may love him, but you must have in mind that he is not the only guy in the world. Because you are in you mid-40s, it does not mean that you are not attractive for other men to love you and care more about you than having only sex. Negative self-views play a crucial role in the onset and maintenance of depression. You think that because you are a mature woman, you won’t be able to have someone else by your side but your actual “boyfriend.”
We all know that romantic relationships are an essential part of joy in people’s live, but those relationships rarely are closed to acts of betrayal. Sometimes relationships work really well, but sometimes they do not. He didn’t cheat on you one, but more than one and he admitted it to you in an arrogant way. Think about this first; you aren’t a dumb person for not understanding why he did such thing. He told you that you couldn’t understand it because that is a man situation. You know why he was unfaithful to you; however, you act like if you don’t know because it hurt to you to accept the truth. He gave you many reasons to you for not forgiving him. You may think that you want to forgive you boyfriend because the relationship is important to you; however, the relationship seems unimportant to him.
You may feel sad and in a depressed mood, so all these symptoms are because you are suffering from depression. You want affection and attention from your boyfriend because you may feel alone not having a partner to love you as much as you desire. You should treat your depression before making any choice which could be for a better relationship or the contrary. The main treatment approaches are psychotherapy and antidepressant therapy. Treating yourself as priority, you could find the answer of your problem that is not letting you live your life as well as you want.
You are the victim of your boyfriend’s actions. He was the one who cheated on you and that action doesn’t say good things about him. Your boyfriend gave you reasons for not trust on him no more, nor to forgive him. If he doesn’t value the woman you are, then you have to do it for yourself. Do not be vulnerable; you aren’t an object to let anyone to use you. I cannot choose for you but I just can give you my point of you of not taking him back. He doesn’t deserve you as a woman and there are lots of men who will love you and give you the attention you want. As you met this guy, you will be able to meet another people for you. Feeling better takes time, but you can get there if you make positive choices for yourself each day.
For more discussions, information, and advice about depression and low self- esteem management, checks out some of the following:
• Depression in Woman: Causes, Symptoms, and Treatment article.
• Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology.
I hope that helps, take care.
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A
male
reader, enmm41 +, writes (10 December 2012):
December 9, 2012
Dear anonymous person:
For many women the age is so important. When they start getting old; their self-esteem gets low. Women let everyone to put them down and to disrespect them. We think that we are not attractive anymore, so we let our partner to do anything such as being unfaithful. You suffer of low self-esteem because your relationship with your boyfriend shows that he doesn’t love you. Before you make a choice, first you must value yourself as a woman.
Low self-esteem is when you are thinking negatively about yourself. Many older women believe that they are too old to make a difference; that is far from true. When you said that you are in your mid 40s and that it is hard to meet people for you, you are assuming that nobody else will look at you as women because of your age. You are not being confident about yourself, so that let you to have low self-esteem. You feel so insecure about yourself that you went to forgive your boyfriend even though you know it was his fault.
In a relationship to be unfaithful to your partner is not a good sense of love. When people cheated to their partners, it means that they don’t have respect or care for them. Your boyfriend told you that he can count on one hand how many times he had sex with her; this means that it wasn’t just one time. He betrayed you, so you deserved on explanation and an apology. However, what you received was an arrogant comment. He demonstrated you that he doesn’t love you because of his negative actions toward you. Also you have to see that he is not taking your relationship seriously.
Before you take a decision, you have to work in your low self-esteem. You must value and love yourself the way you are, focusing in positive qualities in yourself, instead of negative ones. To work on letting go of whatever has been held on to. You have to see that this relationship was unhealthy because it affected you emotionally. You have to think if it’s worth a person that cheated on you more than one and that there is a possibility that it could happened again. You have to go out and give yourself the opportunity to meet new people because there are more men that could truly love you and respect you. You have to demonstrate to him and to yourself how valuable you are.
When you partner really loves you, he shows it to you in different ways such as respect, caring about your feelings, supporting and valuing you. We know that all relationships have their ups and downs, but it doesn’t mean that you have to let him to walk over you. Your boyfriend showed that he didn’t care about you by creating excuses to not be with you. He didn’t take your relationship seriously because he didn’t take the time to introduced you to his kids how it had had to be. Your boyfriend didn’t value you as his partner by cheating on you more than one time. He didn’t give an explanation either an apology for what he did. A man that humiliates a woman doesn’t deserve a second chance, but you have the choice. I am not trying to tell you what to do; I am just giving you an advice as a woman.
For more discussions, information, and advice about low self-esteem management, check out some of the following articles:
• Self Esteem tips for Elderly Women
• Quality of life with low self-esteem women
I hope that helps, take care.
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A
female
reader, dandanmia +, writes (10 December 2012):
Dear Anonymous: It is understandable that you want to continue with the relationship because you believe that it is difficult for you to meet new people. In all human relationships, we invest time, energy, and emotions to receive the same in return. As human beings, interactions from birth to adulthood shape the individual. A large part of our brains function for the sake of social interaction. To maintain a healthy romantic relationship, many people have to work consciously to make their relationship work. In your case, when your partner confessed to cheating on you with another woman, the trust in your relationship was broken. Now, you are faced with the decision of whether or not the relationship is worth saving.
Michael Baisden, relationship counselor and author of Never Satisfied: How and Why Men Cheat says that, “trust is the most important thing in a relationship.” If you can no longer trust him, then the relationship is missing a key component. You disclose yourself but you are not getting the same in return. Although you say that you two get along well, you seem to have underlying problems with the relationship because of his lack of motivation to move forward. After he confessed that he had sex with his female friend multiple times without telling you, chances are you will not be able to trust him after this experience. When this happens, “People are less satisfied and committed in relationships when they believe their partners are deceiving them” (Cole).
In regards to him explaining his reason for cheating, he assumed that you would not understand and told you, “ it’s a macho thing.” Audrey B. Chapman, a family and relationship counselor in the Washington, D.C. says, "In general, it's an addition and is more related to their need to be dependent on others to feel okay. It is a chronic dependence, a constant need for affirmation, on the same level of people who are addicted gamblers, alcoholics, people on drugs." You mentioned that he gave his “word” that it would not happen again, but did he apologize? An apology would imply that he’s remorseful regarding his actions, but from what you have said, it seems that he does not feel remorseful and that in his eyes, the reasoning he gave is permissible. Unless he changes his way of thinking and continues to consider his masculinity to be one of his priorities, then chances are that he will not change. His constant need for affirmation of his masculinity will drive him to continue to cheat, regardless of whether or not there is emotional attachment.
Traditionally, women are more likely to tolerate a man’s cheating behavior. However, a man’s ego usually does not allow him to stay with a woman who has cheated on him and deteriorated his masculinity. Chappell states that, “For many, cheating is an addiction, and the behavior is usually learned by years of watching either cheating parents or friends who are morally bankrupt.” This means that his behavior and morals have been shaped early on. Unless you are willing to put in your utmost effort to help his “addiction” and disregard your own needs as a human being, then you can call him. However, the fact that he has not contacted you since the last time you were clearly upset with him, it seems that he does not regard the relationship the same was as you do. Dr.Phil asks, “If your partner has cheated on you repeatedly and now swears he/she will stop, what are the chances that this is true?” After answering this question to yourself honestly, you must realize that it is not your fault. You are not to blame for his lack of commitment.
Lastly, remember that to love someone else, you must first love yourself. You deserve a healthy relationship where the other party reciprocates the same energy as you do. If you believe that he is the one who “messed up” then there is no reason for you to continue tolerating his addictive behavior of infidelity. Dr. Phil advises to ask yourself this, “Can you heal from this and forgive? If not, do not continue to live in anger and/or be with someone who causes you pain.” Remember that your happiness should not be the sacrifice for an unhealthy relationship.
For more information on research and articles that I have mentioned, feel free to go through the following:
? Forgiveness of Sexual Cheating in Romantic Relationships: Effects of Discovery Method, Frequency of Offense, and Presence of Apology
? 10 Ways to Create a Strong, Intimate Relationship
? Advice for Cheaters and Their Partners
? Can Your Relationship Survive Cheating?
I hope this helped you. Take care, and keep what I have told you in mind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): Thank you so much for given me clarity during this rough time. To the friend who asked how things came to surface..I became suspicious after persistent phone calls that he wouldn't answer when he was with me and went through his phone and found a bunch of texts. One text she asked him what he was doing? He replied relaxing and she asked if she could come down and lay down with him. I guess she thought she had free access to him, his house, etc. I realized he is not good for me and I will never be able to trust him again. He said she knew he had a girlfriend and she is someones who let's him do whatever he wants but it's over. I been seeing him.I think just to spite this other woman and because eventually when I see his mother I want to tell her why her son is gonna end up alone. I know it is not good to think revenge but I am SO hurt I can let go until I find out what I can do that will make me feel better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): Thank you so much for given me clarity during this rough time. To the friend who asked how things came to surface..I became suspicious after persistent phone calls that he wouldn't answer when he was with me and went through his phone and found a bunch of texts. One text she asked him what he was doing? He replied relaxing and she asked if she could come down and lay down with him. I guess she tough she had free access to him, his house, etc. I realized he is not good for me and I will never be able to trust him again. He said she knew he had a girlfriend and she is someones who let's him do whatever he wants but it's over. I been seeing him.I think just to spite this other woman and because eventually when I see his mother I want to tell her why her son is gonna end up alone. I know it is not good to think revenge but I am SO hurt I can let go until I find out what I can do that will make me feel better.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 I would not take him back, regardless of his word, it does not sounds to me that he realized how big and hurtful is the mistake he made.
Counting on one hand,... it's still 4 times too many, a one time slip up, a moment of yielding to impulse etc., can be forgiven easily ( sort of ), but a series of encounters... I wonder why he stopped. Did you catch him in flagrant ? Did the other woman give him the boot ? Did he get bored after the first few times ?... I mean, it would be different if he had voluntarily given up this fling because his conscience was troubling him, but your post does not mention it, and somehow I've got the feeling that 's not what happened...
As for the " macho " thing, sure you would not understand, why, are you supposed to ?.... maybe you don't want by your side a man whose masculinity resides in his dick, and not in his character, and who needs to have his ego stroked ,and his poor self image enhanced by his sexual conquests.
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female
reader, Tracy xu +, writes (8 December 2012):
Dear friend, You know there will be plenty of hassles in the life. We have to strive for what we want to gain ,give up what we what we don't belong to us. Obviously, we can find he didn't put any emotion seriously between you and himself.He already thought he could do anything what he likes to do.Without your permission , he could sleep with the other woman easily, and just told you this is a macho thing. It means he doesn't care about you at all. As my opinion, you should not take him back. You 're a good mother and great woman ,although you are in the mid 40s, and you have kids. As women, we are different from the previous generations. We get education in the school ,and we have own careers . Nowadays, women become independent because "women are not raised to be men,yet must adopt masculine values in contradictory ways, while simultaneously occupying other life circumstances and having other values from men. This has put women in a divisive conflict with themselves and each other" said author of the article "Women' s Work And Women 's Values"(34). After women' s movement , we get more chances and more rights in the men' s society . Despite barely having time to hang out and meet new guys, you still have to believe you will encounter with Mr.right . In the other hand, we 'd better forgive what happened before and move on . He and you are not supposed to be together, you have to accept this situation. Don't use others ' faults to punish yourself. According to article "From My Perspective; Forgiveness", Donahue ,Beth says" Refusing to forgive will only hurt you. "(1) it talks about the important factor in the relationship: being generous. The past have already become yesterday's history . What we need is take off the grudge and start it over. Even though he is not good guy., and he cheated on you before, he brought happy to you at least in the past. You look down yourself and feel insecure about future. However , no matter how old are you and whether you have kids or not., you still have right to live better. You don't need waste your time with the guy who don't really love you. He refuse to explain this affair to you , and he is not willing to communicate with you . All you need to do is let him go. I know you will feel hurt about this ,but this hurt will be shorter and lighter . Everyone has tough relationship and hard time in the life. Time is the good medicine to cure psychological pain. You deserve better. I hope my opinion can help you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Thank you to everyone who provided advice. This experience is SO embarrasing that I couldn't even share it with my close friends, you guys have been my friends and ears and I appreciated it so much! I heard back from the cheater and tough he apologized and we have been seeing each other, I am getting together the courage to dump him after the holidays.
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female
reader, dandanmia +, writes (2 December 2012):
Obviously your boyfriend didnt take the relationship between you and him so serious, I dont think if a man loves you then he can still have sex with other women even he said is a macho thing, he is a grow up and mature man that he should know how to control himself. Also after he knew you got mad with him, if he cares about you he will be the one to begging you to forgive him, but he didnt even call you or text you. I think in your heart you already know the answer. I know you feel lonely but dont because that reason to grievance yourself. If you forgive him once Im sure he will continue cheating on you. Dont lose your confident, I dont think 40 years old for a women is a big deal, you can find him and that's means you can also find other great guys who better than him a lot. You should believe in yourself that you deserve better than this!!Hope you can walk out from this and find the man who really loves you!
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female
reader, dandanmia +, writes (2 December 2012):
Obviously your boyfriend didnt take the relationship between you and him so serious, I dont think if a man loves you then he can still have sex with other women even he said is a macho thing, he is a grown mature man that he should know how to control himself. Also after he knew you got mad with him, if he cares about you he will be the one to begging you to forgive him, but he didnt even call you or text you. I think in your heart you already know the answer. I know you feel lonely but dont because that reason to grievance yourself. If you forgive him once Im sure he will continue cheating on you. Dont lose your confident, I dont think 40 years old for a women is a big deal, you can find him and that's means you can also find other great guys who better than him a lot. You should believe in yourself that you deserve better than this!!Hope you can walk out from this and find the man who really loves you!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2012):
 EWWWWW…
Let’s see this list of WONDERFUL things:
He cheated on you with someone he knows and continues to know and has known from before you were his gf….
He said it’s nothing serious (nice so sex means NOTHING to him) and he can count on one hand how many times he had sex with her (so he’s had sex with a woman he’s known for years while seriously committed to you… MORE THAN ONCE… and his excuse is “you wouldn’t understand it’s a macho thing” BULLSHIT. Such a crock of BS I have never heard.
He has kids and not much time for you but he has time for this OTHER WOMAN who means NOTHING…. He’s not integrating you into his life or his kids life… YOU are not that important to this man.
You want him back because you don’t want to get out there and make the effort to meet a new guy who will treat you well. I’m 52 and can manage to fight them off with a stick if I want.
You can’t trust him
You don’t have a healthy relationship
DO NOT call him.
He’s done. You need to be done with this man.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): He already thinks he can do what he likes. Hence sleeping with someone else and expecting you to get over it because it is `nothing serious` and `macho`. Please dont settle for this excuse of a man, he has been horrible to you. Hes lied, been behind your back with another woman, had sex with her...and probably a darned sight more often than he will care to admit to you! You dont seem to realize it but he is being very offensive toward you by imagining you are so desperate that you will have him back.You dont NEED this man in your life or around your family. Especially if you have daughters because this man has no morals. If he is quiet its probably because he is making hay with his `old friend` and waiting for you to get needy enough to start chasing him. Dont do it! Let them get on with it and find yourself a real man. There are some awesome men out there but you are not going to meet one all the time you are hung up on that old loser. So have a little faith in yourself and expect better treatment from men. If not, you are doomed to be treated badly by the likes of this one and his ilk x
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female
reader, kitah  +, writes (29 November 2012):
Yes he is the one who should be chasing you because cheating is a big thing cause it breaks trust nd u can't have a healthy relationship without trust and if u really had to push for the relationship to move forward that shows his probaly just a cheat looking for abit of fun , I advise u to go on a girlie night out forget about him and try meet a better man
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): Yes I agree with you, he is the one that did wrong and if you do call him instead of him calling you he probably will think he can walk all over you and get away with anything. Cheating is HUGE. That he cheated within the first year of your relationship should be a big enough clue to you that he is a cheater, at least to you he is. And most likely he is not going to change.
While you feel that your opportunities to meet men are limited, you met him didn't you? Therefore you may meet someone else just like you met him. Hopefully someone better. This guy is a headache and is up to no good, you should be strong, dump him, move on and meet someone else just like you met him.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 November 2012):
 IF I had a nickel for every time I asked a woman to "take me at my word"..... I would be a VERY well-to-do man....
Don't give him even a bit of slack... and tell him that it's OVER between the two of you.... then get on with your life....
You can do 'way better than this cheating Lethareo....
Good luck.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2012): Okay woman, get a grip. Do you think he'd be wanting you back if you had sex with another guy a handful of times? I don't think so. It's NOT a mucho thing - it's a CHEATER thing. He had to sweet talk this lady, get her on a bed/table/couch, get her legs open and be intimate with her. How disgusting! You have no self-respect if you want him back. Focus on yourself and your kids. No matter how well you two get along, he still was emotionally and physically intimate with another woman. How can he possibly love you and respect you? You need to be your own best-friend here and do the right thing for yourself. There should be no room for a man like him in your life. You're young, there are good men out there, you just have to set the bar high.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 November 2012):
 Hi
Why would you want to contact him? He isn't better than having NO man, he's just simply not worth having.
If YOU think hes worth it then do NOT text or ring him.Let him come to you. If he does, then you need to set bounderies.But remember you can't trust him so thats a massive hurdle to get past.You may never sleep a peaceful sleep again
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (28 November 2012):
 No, you should absolutely NOT take him back. He is a serial cheater - he isn't going to change - and if you want a healthy happy relationship, it isn't going to be with him.
Healthy relationships are based on trust, and you already know that you cannot trust this man to be faithful to you.
Do not contact him, just let it be over.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2012): Are you kidding!!! A multiple time cheater is not a boyfriend, he is pond slime. You are worth so much more than this. Trust me, it is better to be alone that risk catching something really nasty form a man who considers it okay to cheat,
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