A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend can’t stay hard when it comes to sex. I accidentally fell pregnant with his baby, but never knew at the time he was on Viagra, which he has now run out of. I never noticed he had a problem until now. He tells me it’s not me and that it has a mind of its own. He has hardly any libido and I have a high one. This is getting me down to no end. I don't feel we have a sex life and it’s bothering me. He has given me oral and that is fine, but I can't help but think it’s to mask the problem he really has. When I give him oral - it helps his problem for a few minutes, but then I have to make sure he penetrates me quickly afterward or it will flop. He won't relax or unwind in sex. I asked him if he had undiagnosed diabetes and I told him he should consider getting a test done, but he laughed it off saying he doesn't and won't so I feel at my wits end. It’s now got to the point where the sex is so bad when it happens I don't care anymore if we have it or not. Deep down, I do and I really want more and have said it to him, but I can't make him and I am sick of being the one initiating sex all the time, so I backed off and now let him come to me… I am 30, he is 41. He can only do it once in one night - I prefer more. I have fallen pregnant accidentally by him through my pill failing - I am overly fertile - a problem I have battled with for a few years now. I don't consider myself ugly either so I can't understand why he refuses to relax and just enjoy sex. He told me he is used to a partner only doing the one position in sex whereas I prefer a few positions...so was possibly a new concept I introduced to him. I don't want to have to split up and I would like to save this relationship, but I am battling with the fact he has hardly any sex drive at all since I have fallen pregnant, and well constantly goes limp in sex. Any advice would be appreciated and he doesn't have much Viagra left either.
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libido, limp, sex drive, sex life, split up, viagra Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks I didn't know you could get that stuff here. We don't fall under an NHS system but we tend to be similar in terms of medications that NHS people can get so yeah that is a good idea - thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): If Ireland is under the UK NHS rules, you can get Cialis on prescription from the doctor; it's also worth having a general discussion whilst there about the problem.
Go with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all of you. I suggested he go to a doctor to get checked for the possibility of undiagnosed diabetes. I don't pressure him to perform. I just told him that I like sex a bit more than he does in a relationship and perhaps we could reach some sort of compromise. If I get once from him in one night I have gotten to the point where I am more than grateful. But yeah its a huge problem and he won't go to a doctor. I am sure its erectile dysfunction. He is grand about the pregnancy to be fair to him so I don't think its that stressing him out. I discussed this all with him - finding it hard as its not an easy topic to discuss and I tried to tell him as delicately as possible my feelings so not to hurt his. I told him I can't see our relationship lasting if the sex is non-existant though. He is prob happy with once or twice a month but I like it loads of times a week so I feel this disparity between our drives is frustrating the daylights out of me. He has tried Cialis before apparently..its just his supplies of Viagra and Cialis are now low and I am not sure you can get that stuff here. I know he got it previously in the U.S. He told me he took viagra when he first got with me to get over his nerves. That I could understand cos first time sex is always a nervy thing at the start. But now I am thinking he prob needs it for some other reason. I just feel helpless. I am trying to help him without harping at him but yet we end up saying nothing to each other cos I don't see the point...he should come to me if he wants me. He is over the shock of the unplanned pregnancy so I know its not that - that is stressing him out. I now keep my distance from him until he figures out what he really wants in this relationship rather than be demanding etc. I think I have done enough of that already!! Anyway thank you for all your advice - its really helping me so I do appreciate all this feedback..feel free to write more if you feel you have any more insight into these issues.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): Ok I'm 35 and cannot do more than one time a night. It sounds like you need a younger boyfriend. Last time I could do more than once a night was when I was in my late twenties. Maybe you can talk to your bf if he's ok that you get additional sex outside of relationship. Since he could not satisfy you he should be ok with it.
Another thing I would like to share with you is that the hardness level comes on and off for men above 30 yo. It doesn't happen to every man but I've heard that it's not as good as when we were in our twenties. Using Viagra in the long run is also not good. It can effect his sense of hearing and vision. Those two senses are VERY IMPORTANT! I wish you good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): If he really needs chemical help and not counselling/therapy, suggest he tries Cialis. It takes effect sooner and lasts for up to 30 hours, so the window of opportunity is greater.
Better seek help for what may be an underlyingproblem, though, and as "Battista" says, support him lots more, with sympathy and understanding, not disappointment and demands.
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female
reader, Battista  +, writes (7 April 2011):
There could be many reasons for this.One thing that strikes me from your post is that he is subconsciously worried about sex following the accidental pregnancy. I know now you are pregnant it isn't a concern any longer, but deep down it might well have had a serious effect on him as the pregnancy wasn't planned.I think the key is where you say he won't unwind or relax during sex. That is the main issue. You need to get to the bottom of that to solve the problem I think. When I am stressed I know my libido disappears. It's completely natural. Moreover, the fact that you are not ugly has nothing to do with him wanting sex or not- that will not help him unwind. There is more going on here that just looks.I also think you are putting him under a lot of pressure if you want him to go more than once a night at 40 years old- pressure is another big turn off.Does your bf get his Viagra from the GP? If so perhaps he could ask for a referral to a specialist who might be able to help. From what you say, though, the problem seems to be stress related to a large degree.To be honest, you don't sound very supportive of his problem, more that you want to get it sorted because you want more sex. I think this might not be very helpful in trying to combat whatever is wrong here as that again adds a fair bit of pressure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): 1. Is there some reason why he cannot simply order more Viagra? 2."He can only do it once in one night - I prefer more."Err, I consider once a night to be pretty generous?? 3. so I can't understand why he refuses to relax and just enjoy sex.If he feels that he is being harped on, it will not make this issue any easier for either of you to deal with. Constant pressure to perform can work the opposite, even if he is wanting it badly. If he doesnt have a medical issue, then it comes down to psychological, and focusing and pressuring so much will cause him to concentrate too much on not going limp (which will make him go limp) instead of focusing on relaxing and enjoying the act of being intimate with you. 4. I don't want to have to split up and I would like to save this relationshipI think you might be overemphasizing the physical intimacy part just a bit. Perhaps you could learn to just "relax" and "enjoy" the relationship. Who knows? It might just do wonders for the both of you in the intimacy department. Other than that, urge him again to at least see a doctor. If it is something like diabetes, then he is harming a little more than his sex life. Perhaps the two of you could try sex therapy? Sorry I couldnt be of more help.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (7 April 2011):
You have to let him know he's going to ruin your relationship if he doesn't take care of this. He has to see a doctor and find out what's going on. Maybe Viagra is not the solution here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): It IS possible that he has an erectile dysfunction... or whatever.... if he REALLY refuses to get it checked out then I guess getting more Viagra is the only way to go...?
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