A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help. I really need some advice. My boyfriend can't hold down a job. He'll stay a couple of months at a job at the most. Basically he splits as soon as he has a conflict at work, he gets all upset and angry and instead of talking about it or asking for what he needs he just walks out. He's unemployed for maybe the 10th or 11th time since the three years I've been with him. He says he gets treated unfairly all the time because English is his second language and bosses give him an unfair workload. But in my opinion when you have rent to pay and we do, you have to at least stick it out until you have a better job offer and then you quit instead of just storming out. I really don't know what to do. I'm working full time and stressed out about the bills. He has been helping keep the apartment clean and doing the grocery shopping and laundry but my income isn't enough and it's really frusturating. I wish he knew how to stay at a job and how can we ever even discuss marriage in this state of affairs? It's maybe an impossibility at this point. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he would have a positive attitude but he's angry and sullen every single day, blaming the state, the government, his parents, me, anyone except himself. I believe in personal responsibility. He thinks if we move to another state all of our problems will be solved. I really don't think so. What do I do what can we do please somebody help before I lose my sanity completely!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): I say you have a frank talk with him and say instead of blaming everyone else & making exuses for his problems why not take responsibility and expend his energy more productively and figure out what he needs to do to make the problem better. See what can be done to resolve it. Because blaming the world or moving is not going to accomplish anything. Tell him it is time to grow up and be a man and take it like a man to be the solution rather then be the problem. If that means getting professional help then that is what you have to do. Like my family always told me that's life and get over it already! Move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): personally i find that if i aalow my boyfriend to give it to me up the pooper he becomes far more motivated , usually a good session of water sports or anal fun is just what the doctor needed :)
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male
reader, cubetronic +, writes (29 December 2008):
I am exactly like him. I got a 2 year degree with awesome grades a few years ago, but last year I had 18 jobs. I even moved to London, Montreal, New York, and Kansas, but it has only made things worse. I really don't have it figured out yet- if you find a solution please post it- but my best answer is this:
Stick with him, encourage him to go for his dreams, and support him.
He will figure out on his own if this means he needs to start by getting a menial little job. Even so, as long as his dreams are alive and he is working towards that, then any job towards his dreams is his dream job, and that is what will keep the job alive. If he has no dream, or if he finds that his job is not getting him to his dream, then he will lose his job due to apathy and hopelessness.
Getting your dream car is a process- it may run bad until you take care of it and tune it up. I once took a brand new Volkswagen GTI for a test drive and it had a gas leak! But I can guarantee you, nobody threw away the car.
I think some of his anxiety, as mine is anyway, may be stability related. Staying with him over time will help. As a final word, make sure you really just serve his needs as you can instead of trying to motivate him. Outside pressure may get some things going, but I don't think it will cause the real change you're looking for. If you are constantly looking for when he will change then you may burn out as well. But if you truly accept who he is at this point, then healing can begin for both of you. And as you lay down your dreams for his care, he will also want to reciprocate.
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A
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reader, Honkerbee +, writes (10 November 2008):
I went through this same issue. I dated someone much younger than me and let it all go using that as an excuse. The fact is, people DO change as they grow but anything in psychology will tell you a person's core personalites and values are pretty much complete in their development when they're around 22-23. That doesn't really help the argument in this case.
Love is a strong emotion. I still love this person I endured this with. I'm still friends with them and I still watch them making the same mistakes.
My opinion is to walk away. Perhaps not from THEM entirely but the relationship. If your relationship is meant to be, it's meant to be. You can't just keep holding your breath or you're going to find yourself exhausted and hating him. I promise you that. Love is strong but if it's shrouded in hate... you will regret keeping him in your life.
It's a horrible place to be in. It's like you've finally gotten your dream car but it runs like crap. You can keep getting stranded places while driving it, or you can try looking around for a different model.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): Hi there, you sound like you have a very realistic attitude towards working, which is very good, though obviously your boyfriend does not. Also from what you say your boyfriend sounds like a deep thinking, emotional intellectual. Maybe its his place in society which is the problem - fitting in with staff etc? I mean for example, maybe he doesn't generally resonate very well with the masses? I've often found 'unconventional' thinkers are hopeless at holding regular jobs, simply because the staff in regular jobs are generally 'conventional' thinkers, because most of society is on a similar wavelength - if you don't fit in with that wavelength then you're like a fish out of water. Many of us are fish out of water, but far, far more people are institutionalized. I am thinking this is may be your boyfriend's problem. If he's the type who think's out of the box and is a dreamer, then he'll have to get used to having to living with the 'rat race', even if it means he doesn't resonate with them, we all must earn our living! I hope this helps him, Cheers Chris
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reader, rcn +, writes (28 September 2007):
 You have it very hard. Have you considered counseling? Not knowing you but with your obligations, I don't know if you can take this one on yourself. There are many different techniques. I do one with my kids. When they place blame or lie, I stop them, ask them to leave the room and come back when they have a story that may be somewhat believable. This takes consistent work, and with kids it's much easier.
You're looking at completely re-training a behavior. Taking what someone does, and changing it to a different direction. It can be difficult, stressful, and from time to time he's not going to be happy with you. On your end, if you choose to take it on yourself you're going to have to be real firm when speaking to him. When he is placing blame or not taking responsibility, before he completes it you'll have to take action by saying:
(1) stop, rewind, try again.
(2) I'm sorry, I can't believe it happened that way, if you could repeat it and tell me what actually happened.
(3) Nope, didn't happen, try again.
He needs to realize that someone else may do something that upset him, but it's his choice how he reacts. He may also be placing blame because for some reason he doesn't want you to look at him as he messed up. Then you're dealing with self esteem issues, and the fear of failure.
There is also a possibility he is living day to day, screwing up time and time again and really confused about why. I recently me a girl like that. We were in a session and everyone has to mention one thing they are good at, I actually sunk when she said "this may sound negative, but I'm really good at failing. I have failed at everything I try to do and really don't expect that to change."
I hope this helps you. And remember with him foreign nationality, it's an obstacle, not an excuse.
Take care, have a good weekend.
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A
female
reader, Lilli b  +, writes (28 September 2007):
 I think you have answered this question yourself.
Your core values include personal responsibility and in fact most adults believe that we have to take personal responsibility for our actions and our day to day responsibilities. Your boyfriend doesn't see it the same way. Your boyfriend's core values are in conflict with yours and it is driving you mad - literally by the sounds of it since you are concerned about your sanity.
It is entirely possible that your boyfriend has suffered forms of discrimination and if that is the case then I sympathise and would suggest he take action if this is what he believes but it sounds to me as if he is unlikely to take any practical steps as he is locked into a sprial of conflict and blame. This is rooted in a childish belief that someone else is always to blame and therefore it is up to someone else to make things right.
You cannot change him. You might think he will change and it is possible that he might but it will have to be something he wants to do, it cannot come from anywhere else.
You have to be clear, do you want this life where you support your boyfriend on a regular basis and where he will blame everyone including you for all his troubles and where he is sullen and angry and therefore I am guessing not much fun to be with and where he thinks running away will help? You already know that going to another state will NOT help his problems to be solved as he will just be taking his problems with you both.
I think you are clear that you and your boyfriend do not share similar values and that it is now causing you distress. You can talk to him and tell him that you cannot cope on an emotional or practical level with his approach and attitude and that you need him to stop blaming everyone else, get a job and start taking responsibility but from the sounds of things he is unlikely to change based on what you say - in fact it is likely that you will be the focus of all that is wrong in the world.
I wouldn't normally say this but my feeling is - leave this relationship, find someone who shares your values and will share the day to day responsibility of living so that you can build something fine rather than this where what you are being asked to do is put up with a bad tempered tantruming teenager. He wants a mother (to blame and solve his problems) not a partner because he is not yet an adult no matter what age he is.
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