A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating two years, living together, and discussing marriage for a couple months now. We have always acknowledged and accepted our differences in family culture however they have not affected us until now, and I am concerned about our compatibility. I am also concerned about my boyfriend being pressured/stressed by his family and inability to be honest with them and stand up for himself. We are both Asian American. My family is considerably more Americanized. My parents and two siblings are very close but are independent and do not interfere with one another's lives. Just like me, my boyfriend was born in the USA, however his family is very Asian-cultured. His two sisters who are 11 years older than him came ton the USA for college and his parents barely speak English. My boyfriend has been independent and living in a separate state than his family since he was 17, however since moving back to his (our) home state a few months ago, it appears his family is clinging onto him despite them not being close and he does not say no even if he doesn't like what is going on. A few examples to illustrate the background. Please feel free to skip the following three paragraphs if you would like to just read the actual problem. First, his mom wants us to have dinner with them every Monday and endlessly text/call about it, then at dinner his sisters nag him about spending more time with family. He does not enjoy dinner and so always tries to convince me to go with him. I told him I will go with him once a month and that's that, if he does not enjoy dinner then HE does not have to go. Also, every time his mom sees us she him when we are getting married. (His family is very nice to me btw). Anyway, this one is minor as i just mind my own business. Next, his distant cousin whom he does not speak invited us to her wedding through my boyfriend's parents, located the next state over. My boyfriend does not wish to attend but feels pressured by his parents. I agreed to go with him, specifying that we will take our own car and make our own living arrangements (this would normally be assumed but knowing how his family is I mentioned just in case). He was fine with that but when he told his mom she was very upset, stating that this would be a family road trip (parents, siblings and their toddlers) and we would live at the bride's house, assisting with the wedding. I told him in that case i do not wish to attend the wedding. I am very private and somewhat introverted and do not wish to be "so involved" with the family (plus i do not want to share a bed with any of his family members). Also, at the same time i learned that his two sisters' husbands are not even attending. My boyfriend said i was making it "hard on him" and I reminded him that his sisters' husbands weren't even attending and i just don't feel comfortable. He tried convincing me to go but accepted this eventually (he knows my personality very well, anyway, so it should not be a huge surprise to him). But because he does not want confrontation with his family, he still has not clarified with them whether we are attending and the wedding is just three weeks away. I told him to be honest with his family but he doesn't want to appear as a "bad son." He is stressing out but there is not much i can do for him if he does not stand up for himself. Anyway, onto the actual problem. His parents and second sister have all of their properties and cars under the first sister's name. And they are significant assets as they are all somewhat well off. The second sister runs her own successful business but takes cash and does not report taxes. The parents also do not report assets because it will supposedly make their insurance go up. His mom needs a new car but since the eldest sister cannot put her name on any more assets (or does not wish to be involved anymore) the family pressured my boyfriend to have his name on the car title. My boyfriend does not want to do it, especially considering we will marry soon and we do not want to mix assets/liabilities, and pushed back. He also knows i am absolutely not ok with it. Eventually they pressured/stressed him enough and told me he will do it but just this once. I told him there is no such thing as ONCE if he does it one time, and he needs to be honest with his family. i said if his family respects him they will understand as his reasons are logical and valid. But he insists they will not see it that way and will be seen as a "bad son." He promised the car will be paid off by next year and if not he will sell it. I responded that I don't believe that he will simply sell the car his mom drives, and if they have the ability to pay the car off in one year, why is it necessary to put it under his name? His response was he doesn't know but they insist. I also told him that payment is not the issue but his NAME is on the car, affecting OUR future finances and adding to our liabilities. I stated that the car MUST be removed before we marry (which is supposed to be next year). He said he will handle it when the time comes. But if i am honest with myself, it will not be that easy and i do not believe him. So in the end he did purchase the car under his title. His mom is making monthly payments to him. To be clear, his mom would not take advantage of him. It was mostly his eldest sister pressuring my boyfriend to do this and her telling their mom that he would do it (even when he had not agreed yet). I am still upset over this. To me, his family is committing fraud, but to his family that is what "family does for one another." My boyfriend sees it BOTH ways, which is probably why he feels so stressed out. For this car situation, i feel the only thing i can do now is wait and see what he does about removing his name from the title. But i am even more concerned about marrying into a family who commits fraud, and what they may try to pressure my boyfriend to do next, time and time again. I cannot marry into that type of family or have a husband who will put his parents/siblings before himself and his family and cannot stand up for himself. But i want to make it work. The last thing my boyfriend needs is more pressure and become defensive. how do i talk to him about this? Does anyone have advice or experiences to share? Everything was well before we moved back to our home state and now i want to move away again (i wish). Thank you, all.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (3 August 2018):
 Many people make the mistake of thinking that they can change someone. Its usually a mistake that can actually end a relationship. Don't make that mistake. Your boyfriend is how he is, and tbh..it sounds like blood is thicker than water in this case meaning he can say all that he wants to you but when the chips are down, he's going to chose his family over you and will probably continue to do so his entire life. He was raised that way. He feels guilt if he goes against his family and in the end, the guilt wins out.
You must decided if you can handle this situation and accept him how he is..or NOT. I married a man rather like your boyfriend. It didn't matter what happened in the end, he would always put his family first. It caused so much friction in our marriage because some of the things his family did and sort of forced him into were ridiculous. Nothing that was against the law but I understand what you are concerned about.
Just remember he is who he is and he obviously cares and loves his family and wants to make them happy. Sadly sometimes their happiness may cost you. Can you deal with that? Thats the big question.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 August 2018):
 You know if you marry him, nothing will change... right?
You can make ALL the demands you want, but in HIS family, THAT is the "normal". IF he is the oldest son, then you know what is expected of him by his family.
HE is going to "agree" with you and then turn around and do whatever his FAMILY needs.
His family will continue to commit fraud, he will continue to be dragged into it and doing what is EXPECTED of him.
I think unless you two move AWAY from his family it's not likely that things will work out long term. And even IF you move away... he is still part of his family and always will be.
He was raised differently than you. That doesn't mean your upbringing is "right" and his is "wrong" it just means the backgrounds are different. Whether you two can make it work? Well, that comes down to many things. Can you accept that his upbringing is different? His view on family is different? His moral compass, values are different than yours?
Love isn't enough to keep a relationship or marriage going.
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