A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Iam 21 yrs old and have a very nice and loving boyfriend for the last two years. We both are very serious about each other. Everything was very good between us,but then something happened.. he got to know something that i have been hiding from him.When i was younger,around 15,me and a cousin brother have had a sexual relationship..at that time i did not realise that what iam doing is wrong,he would tell me that its not wrong, and i would stupidly believe him..things happened,he would touch me and kiss me.. i never felt any emotional attachment to any of it ,bt did not stop it either.This continued for a little time of a month and after that he went back to his hometown. After a year he came back to my place,and tried to get back to the same stuff but i had some sense in my brain till then,and i stopped him before things got out of hands. We never went beyond touching and kissing,and that too did not happen much.I regret that i could let something like this happen.But i have changed since then.Recently during a conversation ,my boyfriend asked me about my past, he had some hints that i've been hiding something of this sort and i told him everything.And now things are getting out of hands. He can't digest the fact that somebody who is as decent as me can have such a dirty past. We have been having trrible fights and were on the verge of breaking up.Its been more than two months and he is nt able to cope with it. He says he wants answers as to why did i do such a thing. And all i can tell him is that i have changed and iam not the same person. He still loves me but he is so frustated and iam frustated and terrified at his reaction .Iam afraid that our relationship might end, which none of us want to happen.He asks for help from me,to calm him down and to make things better between us because he cant help being angry at me.He is a very decent guy,and he cant believe that the girl he loves would not be one.How do i help him out? And how do i save this relationship? Please help me out...
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (6 August 2010):
 He absolutely has the right to chose. My point is the fact that she isn't a different person. The addition of this information has only changed how he sees her, not who she is. If he can't get past this, then he is right to leave. It will just mean further heartache for both of them. My point is that if he really loved her, he would see that she was the victim of abuse, and should work to console her, not belittle her for it.
To the person who said that American's just want to break up relationships: you are a biggot. I hope you can learn that people are people no matter where you go. We are all the same deep down. Nobody is superior to anyone else.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): "A person is the cumulation of their life experiences. The knowledge of her past doesn't change who she is or who she was when he fell for her, it just changes his perception of her."
Either her boyfriend has the right to choose his partner for himself or he does not. You can't say he has the right to choose but someone else chooses what factors should be important to him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): Tell him that the emotional cost of losing you is more than the benefit of leaving a girl who really had no say or idea of what happened to her. He loves you, right? Tell him to hang on and carry on without keeping it in his mind. Tell him that it wasn't you who was consciously doing it and if you really were "bad" you wouldn't have told him anything! Tell him that it cannot happen again now that you know what everything is. Btw, getting married or something? ;)PS: Don't listen to the Americans. They just love breaking up relationships and having divorces. Their vocabulary excludes something called tolerance and foresight. You guys sound like you love each other a lot. Maybe "cry" in his arms a bit and tell him that you both share the same feelings and that you both should move on! He might just ignore this incident! Good luck!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (5 August 2010):
Excellent answer Gabrielle. Male anon below, wow. He's in love with the girl she led him to believe she is? BS, complete BS. A person is the cumulation of their life experiences. The knowledge of her past doesn't change who she is or who she was when he fell for her, it just changes his perception of her. Her BF should stop being such a jerk about the fact she was molested as a child. She was the victim of abuse and it has changed how he views her. Seems like she had a good reason not to bring it up. If anything, all he's done is reaffirm her fears about being somehow tainted because of what happened. A real, loving, boyfriend would accept that there are things in our past that were beyond our control that we may not be proud of but there is nothing that can be done to change them.
OP: You are not dirty. When you realized it was wrong, you stopped it. This is doing the right thing. 1 in 4 women is raped at some point during their life. Likely even more suffer abuses like you did that never get reported. Because something bad happened to you, you may feel all sorts of negative emotions about yourself, but it is not your fault. You didn't lead him on. You didn't encourage him. You have nothing to be sorry for, and you should not have to apologize for what happened.
If he cannot see that you are the same person who he fell in love with, then he isn't worth it. All you can do is explain that you are the same person you were before he knew about this. If he loved you then, then this shouldn't change anything. I question if it is worth it, but that kind of information can be a real bombshell for someone who's lived a sheltered life, so it just may take some time to process.
Again, and I can't say this enough, you didn't do anything wrong. You are not dirty. If he can't see that, then he isn't worth your effort.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): How could he be in love with her? He doesn't know her. He was in love with the person that she led him to believe she was for the last two years.
Now she tells him she is not quite the same person. And the first big difference that he learns is that the real girl will lie to him.
To the poster of the question, you need to focus on the trust that has been damaged. That is more important than anything else. At the deepest level, men need to feel like they can trust the fidelity of their woman. That trust is EXTREMELY difficult to rebuild once it has been blown.
Your BF needs to understand that you were underage and you were taken advantage of. Remind him that by the time you had a chance to get away from the situation and reflect on it, you chose to stop doing it. That is the best you can do. He may still have real issues with it, but that is unavoidable now.
Try to remember that he is dealing with totally unwanted emotions too. He cannot choose to stop his own bad feelings about it any more than you can. He can only try to deal with his feelings. Whatever anger comes out of him is because he this hurts him. These feelings were also forced upon him against his will, just like your original abuse was forced upon you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): you have just been a prey to your cousin's advances and too young to have not realised that. your boyfriend should realise this and support you than think you as having a dirty past. and yes, you should stop thinking of it as a dirty past as well. you were just a victim to a molester.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (5 August 2010):
 I could go on at length about the definition of 'decent' and the ridiculousness of a guy who thinks that being a passive victim of molestation is equivalent to doing 'dirty' things, but I'll leave that to other aunts.
Just ask yourself this: Would a man who loved you not understand and trust you? Would he not understand that you've been a victim?
Stop being apologetic about what happened in the past. If this guy can't accept your so-called past, find someone who can.
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