A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. Please help with this question. My bofriend is 8 years older than me but we have a huge difference of opinion on working. I work for a salary and almost everyonee in muy company as well as friends and family have the approach that we turn up and work and we are accountable and we want to get ahead. My boyfriend works for commission only and seems to not mind if he works a 3 day week. Then he runs out of money and borrows, and he has to live with his mum at 40. He says we can't compare because he doesn't work for a salary and I say fair enough he has a lot more flexibility, but he should also have more discipline to put in the hours even if no one is watching him. And if he has that sort of approach he should not moan when he is short of money. He uses everything as an excuse to not work - it's raining heavily/he had a flat tyre/petrol is expensive. I can't take this, how do I motivate him? Is there something wrong with me, am I too uptight?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): I don't think either of you are right or wrong (although personally I would not find a man like him attractive AT ALL).the thing is, who is to say that your attitude to work/money is "correct" and his isn't? And why should you try to change him? what is he doing that is harming you, by working only 3 days a week then borrowing money? is he borrowing your money and not paying you back? if so then yes you are being harmed by him so then you have every right to be upset.but if he isn't actually harming you (like if he borrows from other people, and pays them back), then what's it to you how he much he wants to work or not?? You can have your own goals for your career, why not leave him to his?Now what I sense is that you actually DO NOT RESPECT HIM because of his work ethic or lack thereof. I certainly would feel that way if I were in your shoes. I could not respect a guy who does not work out of choice. This is an entirely different issue but very relevant. If you don't respect someone, then a relationship is doomed to fail. However, it's still wrong to try to change someone to be something they are not. Your idea of what is 'respectable' is different from his. So if you simply can't respect him the way he is then that just means you're not compatible as a couple.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 September 2012):
 oh and I forgot to add YOU can't motivate him to do anything... motivation really has to be internal.
Now, if you say to him, I can't have a relationship with a man who is not working full time and you give him say 30 days to "clean up his act" and then you leave when he does not... he MAY do what you want...to get you back but is that what you want? what will you do if he does do that, then you go back and he goes back to 3 days a week? will you leave again?
how often do you want to have that routine?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 September 2012):
you are not wrong
you are not uptight.
at 40 adults who are not independently wealthy should be working full time supporting themselves able to care for others if need be.
If you want to build a life with this man you will have to accept that you will be the primary bread winner and have to be in charge of the money....
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (7 September 2012):
 Hi
Neither of you are wrong really, just different.He has his idea of working and living,which for him, works. Why would he change,he has a roof over his head, a girlfriend etc and only has to do a 3 day week.Perhaps he just isn't materialistic or has no motivation to earn more or even hates his job ?
You get the salary, you want to progress, develop your career, buy a home etc etc be responsible.Thats your choice.
All you can do is express very clearly that his lifestyle is a deal breaker where your concerned, that he makes an effort to change or its over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012): You're not too uptight, at 40 this guy is happy to earn just barely enough to survive and still lives at home and is happy with the status quo.
Personally OP I have nothing against a person if they want to live like that. I have friends happy to earn the bare minimum or be on the dole and live at home etc and they're good people and good friends.
Now saying that OP that's not the kind of person I would have a relationship with. Because basically that's a relationship that would stagnate. If he doesn't even want to put some work into earning more, gaining more independence and has no ambition for himself then what kind of ambition is he going to have in a relationship?
One of my friends who's like that has a girlfriend who is also like that they're both good people and they just enjoy spending time together doing nothing and just getting by, neither of them have ambition and they're happy that way.
Do you think you could be happy in a relationship like that? Are you prepared to be the only one serious about your finances should you ever decide to move in together, do you really want to be the sole breadwinner to a guy who has to keep borrowing money off you and is too lazy to go out and contribute? Do you really want to be this guys mommy? Because he will not change, he's 40 this is how he likes his life and the life he has to offer you.
For me it wouldn't work, I was in his situation before and I quite liked the freedom to do nothing but I was single and it's not the kind of life I wanted to share with my girlfriend, in order for our relationship to progress I had to progress as a person. Always looking to improve my situation and always driving forward. My girlfriend too is quite driven and ambitious and it just never would have worked if she had to listen to me act like a child and make excuses as to why I wouldn't work that day she's not my mother, I'm in my early 30's I'm too old now to make excuses and be lazy about life. And she's not stupid enough to put up with that and she would just not fit into the role of nagging mother.
OP there is nothing you can say nor do to change him. You know I worked on commission before a few times and the only reason commission is a good way to work is because there is quite simply no limit to how much you can earn if you're good enough at your job and work hard enough. This guy is not working commission the way you're supposed to at all, he has a huge opportunity to earn quite a nice bit of cash, do the work now and be able to become independent, even save some money and put it aside so he can relax later in life but he wants to relax now and is not thinking of the future at all.
Well is that the kind of future you want to share with guy? Because you're the one who will have to supplement that lifestyle, you're the one who's going to have to work extra hard in this relationship to progress it, you're the one who will not only have to satisfy your own ambition but drag him along too, I'm sorry OP at 40 that's too much to ask of another person.
I think it's time you sat down and talked to him about where this is going and what he wants out of this relationship. Something has got to change and there really is no point in being in a relationship with a guy who likes things the way they are and has no ambition to improve the relationship. After this talk when you discuss what you want out of it too, if he says he'll step up give him a bit of time see but don't hold your breath. He's happy to just float through life barely afloat if that's not the kind of life that suits you then it's better you don't waste your time on him anymore.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (7 September 2012):
 He sounds lazy by nature, so i doubt any nagging on your part will change his attitude. It's just how he is. It's not right.
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