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Toxic father and less than optimum mother. Any suggestions on how I can move forward, to live a normal life, without resentment clouding every moment?

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 September 2012) 3 Answers - (Newest, 7 September 2012)
A age 30-35, * writes:

I hate my father. He has always offended my sister, my older brother and i.

He has 7 women as wives of which 6 had children for him. He completely ruined the lives of most of these women.

We recently started discovering some more children.

Before my sister and I were born, he ill treated my mom. The day we were to be conceived, while she was in labor, he told her to take a cab and did not take her there nor even visit her after the delivery while he spent time with his newest wife at home.

After we were born that she was conceived of twin girls, he said he could only pay for one child's food which he did.

On our first birthday, he refused to celebrate it.

He sent my older brother out of the house at the age of 16.

He brings prostitutes to the house regularly, and makes us greet them.

He still ill treats us till this day.

I am currently in my final year and plan to leave his house. He always threatened to send my sister and I away if we did not greet his prostitutes.

He respects his other children gives them all the money he has and gives us crumbs. We don't complain but still he doesn't allow us rest.

I was at my breaking point this week. The things he has done to us, i can never forgive him and I would hate him for the rest of my life. I

have searched online how to deal with a parent you hate but it has not been helpful.

My mom hasn't been helpful either and is a sore loser. I would never also forgive her because she could have easily walked away from the marriage at an earlier stage when she was rich and prevent all this from happening to us.

All she cares about and wants is the little money we get from him. She has never even talked to me like a mother before or ever advised me on sex education. What do I do?

View related questions: christian, conceive, money, prostitute

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (7 September 2012):

Abella agony auntThank you for the link to your other post. This made me very happy to see that you are in your final year and about to start your masters.

Perhaps consider some overseas travel to places you have never considered before to broaden your realm and see many sides of what is 'normal' in families. For there is not one only 'normal'.

Because you have been subjected to an unsatisfactory example of parenting. Your father sounds utterly Appalling. It would be hard to respect the man in any circumstances for behaving is this completely unsatisfactory manner.

Travel, see the world, find out that there are millions of good people in the world who would never dream of behaving the way your father behaves.

Your revulsion at the unsatisfactory parenting you have received and an upbringing that has not taught you empathic and genuine 'Family Values' means that you now need to discover what is really good parenting.

Your father, by his unsatisfactor behaviour, has denied you exposure to really good parenting.

I suggest you choose to learn more about what represents setting boundaries in a parenting style, being consistent and using empathy and demonstrate truly supportive caring love - and you cannot learn those skills while you live near your very toxic father.

Consider packing up and walking away as soon as you can afford to do so. And never look back.

To your father Money is Power and he uses his Money to manipulate and cause animosity to develop all for your father's own twisted logic on what is normal for parents

I suspect that your father was brought up with a similar DYSFUNCTIONAL parenting.

Get out asap so you can smell the roses and associate with good kind people. People who are not like your father

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thanks…I am currently in college..my final year and about to start my masters.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States +, writes (7 September 2012):

Honeypie agony auntKeep working on your plan to get far far away. The thing is all this hate for you dad will eventually HOLD you back. He is who he is, even if THAT is a sucky excuse for a husband, father and human being. You can't change him. But you can minimize the amount of power you let him have.

I would also consider finding a good counselor/therapist someone who can help you lighten this burden of hate for your parents.

Are you still in school? can you get a part time job? Do you plan to go to college or work full time when you move out?

FOCUS on the future. YOUR future.

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