A
female
age
36-40,
*ayKay8876
writes:Well here is my predicament. My boyfriend...well my ex-boyfriend rather, and I, have been together for three and a half years. We have always had a very loving relationship, one that is very communicative and open. We definitely went through more in the first 6 months of our relationship than most couples do ever. But that's another story for another day! Recently, a lot has gone in his life. He moved in with me just temporarily because of some house work being done at the house he lives in with his parents and brother. While he was living with me, it was discovered that his mom had an affair after a loving, 26 year long marriage. They tried to work on it but she up and left. Mind you, this was a very happy, close family, and so this was completely unexpected by everyone. Now that she has left, she hasn't talked to her 3 boys at all. She left in November. After she left, he lost his good job, along with his insurance, and had to drop out of school because he had no money. He finally moved back in to his Dad's house to be supportive to him and his brother a few weeks ago. Ever since then, he acted extremely distant, and not loving like he always is. Every time I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. Keep in mind we always talk to each other about EVERYTHING. Finally after me being confused and feeling like crap for a few weeks, he finally apologized and said he doesnt know whats going on in his mind right now and everything in his life is crazy, and he doesn't know how to feel or what to think, and is scared of bringing me down with him. A few days later we broke up because he said he needs time for himself. This is believable to me, because now he is taking over his family business because of his mom leaving... mind you, he is 23 years old. But this break up is hard for me because I don't understand why he doesn't want my support and help through these times. We have ALWAYS gotten each other through the hard times. That's what most hurtful to me. He told me not to wait for him but then he tells me he hopes I will. I don't know what to think. This is someone who marriage was a definite in our futuree, and now he broke up with me and I have no idea what to think, or how to act towards him...I'm trying to being understanding and give him space. I desperately need an outside opinion...all of the people in our life want us to be together so people just keep telling me to give him time to get through this. I love him with all of my heart, but this is killing me.
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female
reader, KayKay8876 +, writes (6 February 2009):
KayKay8876 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much. The fact that you are going through a similar situation with your boyfriend makes it make sense a little more. I completely understand, but like you said, it really hurts when you "can't" help your love go through their hard time. But I think you're right, he'll come around after he has coped. I know deep down it will turn out okay, but sometimes fear and insecurities creep in. I'm sure the same goes for your boyfriend; I reccommend reminding him every now and then how much you love him and appreciate this space he is giving you. I've realized I really appreciate the fact that my boyfriend is doing this...because if we were still together, our relationship would be getting neglected and that would hurt me more probably. But again, thanks :) hope your stresses calm down!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): I truly think that there are times in a person's life when they just need to be alone to focus on the task at hand. I'm sure he doesn't want to drag you into all of this, and he needs time to himself to figure things out. I know it sucks having to stand by while someone you love is going through a hard time, but if that is what he wants you have to respect that. All you can do is let him know that you are there for him if he needs you. Once he gets things in order, if he really loves you he will come around and figure out a way to fit your relationship into everything. I think sometimes when people really value their relationships, they want to protect them from the turmoil that is going on in their lives even if that means giving up that support for awhile. I should know, because I am going throught a similar situation. I am so overwhelmed with schoolwork and trying to do well in my job that I have kind of put my relationship on hold at the moment because I know that I am not fully there for my boyfriend. I know he doesn't really understand, but I feel like I was hurting him because of all my stress and I was taking things out on him, so I thought it would be better that we spend some time apart. So don't take it personally, it may just be that he needs some time to focus on what is going on in his life and he wants to protect you from the chaos.
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