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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I was wondering if I could have some opinions as to what you would do in my situation.My social life consists of my boyfriend and his friends (2 other couples).I have tried, for absolute YEARS to consider both of these couples to be my OWN friends, but 1 of them has shown NO interest in getting to know me personally.I like to think of us as one big group of friends, but when my boyfriend went away for business for 4 weeks, I would've expected they may have contacted me to spend time with them, but there was nothing. I sort of thought of it as a test to see whether they really consider me worth hanging out with as a person.. or whether they just TOLERATE me because I'm with my boyfriend. When I heard nothing, I thought that to their credit maybe they had forgotten I was on my own and weren't sure of the dates he was away. The DAY my boyfriend returned, they contacted him asking if we wanted to join them for coffee. I was SO hurt!! I didn't go on principle. I couldn't believe they had waited till the very day he returned before contacting us. I had been on my own for a month and had been really lost! This couple spend 6 months of the year ignoring us. They'll wave when they pass us in the car or whatever, but when we text them to see if they want to hang out, they reply by saying: "We've got other plans." and we'll see them out with our OTHER friends. I think they enjoy the 3 couples being divided. That way, they can hang out with us and bitch about the other couple (which is all they ever seem to do).. and when they get sick of us, they can drift back to them. I have this stupid fantasy that the 6 of us could be a close-knit group of friends.. when we all go out together we have a GREAT time!The time between us not seeing each other can be up to 3 months.. and we'll just get used to life without them and don't expect to hear from them again. Then, suddenly out of the blue we'll get a text from them asking us out as if NOTHING at all has happened!Technically, nothing has.. and so my boyfriend and I always assume that maybe they really WERE just busy all that time.. and things go back to normal.. until another 3 months stint of ignoring and purposely excluding us starts.This is driving me INSANE and recently we organised and took them on holiday to Australia with us.. their first time out of the country. I suggested this during a time we had been hanging out together, in the hopes it might salvage whatever distant relationship we seem to have with them.. but they took advantage of us the entire time, complaining and whining over having to spend money at a tourist resort. From the first day there we knew it was a bad idea.Since returning from holiday, they haven't contacted us once.. not even to organise a coffee out to talk about the holiday or to thank us for planning it and asking them. It's unbelievable how much we did for them on holiday.. we even cooked the meals EVERY NIGHT!Every weekend for the past 6 weeks, we've seen them out with the OTHER couple in the group. We spent Christmas and New Years alone, without any invitation from them.. to find they had organised to go CAMPING with other friends.. they must've organised this months ago.. but never mentioned it to us, or extended us an invitation. I am livid with them. I am about to BURST with fury and I don't know whether I am justified in being angry. Everytime one of these 3 month things happen, my boyfriend says to forget about it.. and that's all we ever seem to do.. until it just happens again. I am one of those people that believes you teach people how to treat you and living with this I feel like I'm compromising my values! I feel we are nothing but "disposable friends".. I don't think we mean a thing to any of them! I feel like a loser everytime I check my empty phone!My boyfriend and I have BOTH felt very rejected and let down, especially after having taken them to AUSTRALIA with us! It's as if it's expected.My idea on how to handle it is to let them know how I feel. I want to call or text them and say, "Don't bother contacting us again, you've lost 2 very genuine friends." I'd then walk away.. not EXPECT or WAIT for them to text me.. and move on in the hopes of meeting new people. I'm tired of asking myself WHY they don't text me.. and WHY they plan things without us! I believe we should WIPE them, that they are useless friends and we need to END this relationship and move on.. I'm tired of torturing myself!My boyfriend disagrees and believes we should just "let it go, they're not worth it". He thinks I'm out to cause trouble! The thing is, he's so forgiving and because there's no confrontation.. they just go back to NORMAL again and start planning things with us as usual! My nerves are wearing thin though.. I would love to go to their house and tell them they're a waste of space, forget about them, cut ties and move on with life. If I END the friendship short and sharp, I think I'll feel like I still have some self respect! What would you do... and why is this bothering me so much? Really, it's not as if they're insulting us, or stealing from us... it's just the ignoring for NO reason and NO explanation. You can be angry for so long.. but months later when they contact us, the anger's usually worn thin and we just go back to how things were. I think telling them to piss off for good is the ONLY way to deal with this. Would love to hear your thoughts.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): Thanks so much everyone, your advice has been truely appreciated.
One of the posters suggested these may be 'seasonal' friends and although I wish that was the case, it isn't. I forgot to mention that these are friends my boyfriend and I hang out with both days every weekend for a few months, then suddenly.. there's nothing for 3 months and they always have a reason they can't go out with us.
You've ALL given me great advice and this has helped me make the decision to wipe them from my life, but not to cause trouble about it either.. as you are right, they ARE NOT worth it.
TO THE LAST POSTER: I was wondering what book you had read.. that sounds like something I should look into.
If you could let me know that'd be great. Thanks
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): Sometimes, however tough and harsh this sounds, a spring clean of 'people' is needed in your life. I had a short phase of doing precisely that. I had become quite depressed and angry at how some of my so called friends would use me in different ways and I felt like a doormat. I read a book on how important it is to have a solid network of friends - different ones for different reasons that really make you feel good and you them. Friends should leave you feeling great about yourself and life - not empty and used. Step away from the anger for a minute and take stock. You can choose your friends and I really advise you to dump them. Stand proud and show that you are not needy. I hate to be blunt but it is so obvious they use you for what they can get when it suits. Find some kind and decent friends who expect nothing more than a cup of coffee and will offer you emotional support. Plan a busy fortnight ahead with other people or just go away with your boyfriend and don't tell them. He also needs to back away from them so you have a united front.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (7 January 2008):
 Why would you want to be friends with people that take advantage of others this way? That is the only question you need to ask yourselves.
Also, put your efforts into making new friends.
These old friends might just be jealous of you and your bf, and one of them might be thinking you or your bf are a threat to them in some way. (maybe one of them mentioned an attraction, or they fear you will spot one of their neurotic behaviors).
Put your efforts into meeting new quality friends. Why are you so disparate for those losers?
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (6 January 2008):
 You and your boyfriend are both right. I think that you should cut them out, but I also think that your boyfriend is right when he says they're not worth it. Just leave them alone, and then if they send a text message asking you out, tell them where they can stick it.
Don't wait for them. They aren't real friends. Those are friends of convenience, or as we call them in France, hole-blockers - you have a hole in your schedule so you call up your hole-blocker friend just to have someone to see. It's nothing to do with the pleasure of their company.
Make some new friends, socialise a bit, find people who share your interests. These people aren't worth your effort.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): What do you actually like about these people? I mean it seems like the only reason you like them is because they ignore you. But do you actually LIKE them? What's so interesting about them??
I TOTALLY agree with your boyfriend. Let it go, they are not worth it. You can't force people to be your friend. And I don't think they are doing anything wrong. Obviously they don't feel like they have a really tight bond with you guys. But there is nothing wrong with having seasonal friends. Look I have had several friends through my boyfriend who we only ever saw occasionally. Maybe a few times a year. Sure we had fun, but it never grew to anything more than that. I guess I never cared and they didn't either. It didn't bother me though. But I too had other friends who were real tight with me. I think what the problem is is that you really want friends and right now they are the only people available to you and so you are trying to force a relationship with them that isn't there. I get the impression that if you had other friends who were in fact close to you I bet you that you would no longer care about these people. Cause if they don't call you but once every 3 months, just face it, you guys don't click all that much. You are not going to click with everybody. You gotta move on and make other friends, people who are actually cool and more interested in your company more often than once every three months. There are plenty of people in the world who are extremely social and would love to be friendly with you.
But you musn't be mad at them. They probably don't have any idea you even feel this way. So if you insult them they are going to think you have gone mad. And you must realise that they are really not doing anything wrong. Obviously you guys were never that close to begin with. When you click with people it comes naturally and you don't have to force it or try too hard. Its just not meant to be with them. Its quite alright to have seasonal friends but you need to have regular friends too. So do not be needy and just go out and find new friends who are actually good friends, cause its NOT them. And who knows, maybe if they saw you with alot of friends and super happy and social and with lots going on, maybe they would be more interested. But I am sure that by then you probably won't want them anymore. But it sounds like you really need friends but you are looking in all the wrong places. You are not going to find it with them. So please move on.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (6 January 2008):
 You can only be a doormat if you allow it. It's pretty obvious that you have reached your limit with these people, even if your husband has not. Friendships do come and go, and it might be the time to walk away from this one. I wouldn't even bother to tell them to piss-off, it would be a further waste of your time and effort. Just leave the relationship emotionally and walk away. It's time to join a few new clubs and make some new friends.
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