A
female
age
36-40,
*nnocentgirl
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together a yearand we were going very strong, and madly in love. Only recently has our relationship deteriorated. First off I have trust issues, have done for many years after awful relationships before. At the start I could trust him but only recently it has gotten worse. I have a tendency to keep thinking my boyfriend is lying to me. After so many accusations my boyfriend has gotten very frustrated and has called me a "psychopathic bitch" and the other day called me a cow. Even after how I expressed my humiliation for him calling me a bitch before, he did it again and said "you said never to call you that name again, cow is different". I understand I probably don't help and I'm pushing his buttons by ignoring his countless promises that he has never hurt me but..do I forgive him? He also has a tendency to interrupt me while I'm talking and has once told me to "shut the f*** up" which resulted in me slapping him for. I feel like our relationship has gone from everything I ever wanted to disaster. I do love him deep down and I know he does too, because after every argument we have had, he always says "he's not going anywhere and will wait as long as it takes till I can trust him." So I assume he does still care. But I think we both have a lot of anger in us.I am now going to see a counsellor sometime next week to talk about my trust issues, but can he be forgiven? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 July 2017):
 You're the one who is battering him, but you're asking if *HE* can be forgiven?? I'm sorry, but if the genders were reversed, and his response to you telling him to STFU is to slap the taste out of your mouth, why the HELL would the SLAP-EE need forgiveness??
You need to leave each other, and you need to understand that it's not okay to HIT. He was verbally abusive, but there *IS* no "He made me hit him!" any more than there is "She made me hit her!".
You should be in therapy, but if you have a gasoline-induced fire, YOU REMOVE THE GASOLINE. He is your gasoline, and all the therapy in the world won't help you if you stay in this.
Never hit anyone again unless he's hitting YOU, or if he's sexually assaulting you. The double standard is shit. No hitting.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 July 2017):
 I think you should end it and focus on yourself and YOUR issues.
He can't fix the bad experiences you had in your past. That is for YOU to deal with. Accusing him of misdoings IS NOT going to STOP him from doing bad things NOR is it helping the relationship if he is NOT doing bad things.
You are sabotaging the relationship all by yourself. By making the presumption that ANY guy will hurt you because someone in the past did, it's unfair and unreasonable. It's a toxic mindset.
Him calling you a bitch and cow? Unacceptable even if he is frustrated with your constant accusations. Not saying he should suck YOUR behavior up either - he should walk away.
You hitting him? TOTALLY unacceptable. TOTALLY.
So you guys have now introduced verbal and physical violence i nthe relationship - NOT a healthy way to deal with anything and once that kind of stuff happens? There is not a great chance that you will both stop, grow up and behave like decent people towards each other.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2017): The relationship isn't going to work. Now you've both resorted to name-calling and domestic-violence. I can't tell you which is worse; being called a "psychopathic bitch," or constantly being accused of being a liar.
Slapping a man in the heat of an argument is a terrible risk. Eventually your fighting is going to involve the police. It's inevitable!
You two have only been together a year. If things have deteriorated this fast, it isn't love. It's strong sexual-compatibility, but the right emotions aren't attached. Then the anger-management issues. You were so taken by your physical-attraction for each other; you've overlooked very crucial details regarding your personalities. The cloud of lust has lifted, and now you're beginning to see what's beneath the surface. Now you've got to deal with each other emotionally. You're only compatible on one level.
He doesn't have to absorb or deal with your trust-issues. You walked-in with that baggage. You should have gotten over your exes before you committed to him. He's an individual, and just like you; he is only responsible for what he does. Not for what he hasn't done, or what you think he might do. How on earth is that nonsense fair?
You both need to grow-up and behave like reasonable/rational adults. You both also need to seek anger-management counseling; before your hitting goes back and forth. Somebody could get seriously hurt!
Once violence is introduced into a relationship; you really need to getaway from each other. It's out of control. Even if it was only a slap. You couldn't contain your anger. You have no more right to hit him, than he has to hit you. Only he is likely the stronger, and could probably inflict a lot more damage! Not that his strength lessens his right to file charges for assault. My point is, you're opening the wrong door!
Time to separate. The tension between you is too high. You're not getting along, and you are pushing his buttons; and that's dangerous, if he has little or no control of his temper.
Forgiveness will come in due time. You are both equally wrong. You really asking if you're right, and if he's more wrong. You both need professional counseling. Not just you!
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