A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. Well something is bothering me and I don't know if it's ok for me to be upset or not. About a week ago, my boyfriends ex girlfriends grandmother died. Her and him haven't really spoken for the last year or so. But she called him to let him know and for support. I honestly didn't mind at first and felt sorry for her, but her and my boyfriend have been in daily contact since. It went from her talking about her grandmother to catching up on old times on their relationship. She knows about me and our relationship, but from the things I've seen over the past week I feel like she's over stepping boundaries. My boyfriend doesn't see it that way and has been doing a lot to help her and comfort her. I don't think he would do anything to hurt me but the personal conversations and the fact that she's an ex makes me uncomfortable. I don't know what to do
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2017): Well I would just wait it out and see if the contact dwindles on its own. Sure, the death may have brought about nostalgic feelings on both their parts, but it doesn't mean he wants to be with her. Lots of people have occasional contact with an ex over the years to catch up. If you tell him he can never speak to her again, that will only intensify any feelings of loss and nostalgia. Sometimes having some limited contact with an ex keeps them in their place and prevents people from idealizing the ex too much in their mind as being on an unreachable pedestal. So, I'd just state that you think he should be careful about the amount of contact he has with her, to keep it to a minimum. Then just watch. Honestly I think there is only a problem if it continues to be daily contact over the coming weeks. If it was just a week of "crisis intervention" and catching up, no big deal.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 January 2017):
 Honestly this doesn't look like it is going to end well. If he knows that this is upsetting you then that should be enough for him to cut contact. But it seems like he is not willing to do that. I think the death off her grandmother brought back old feelings for him and that is why she seeked him out for comfort. Honestly if he is not willing to drop the contact then I would be worried that he still has feelings for her as well. How long have you both been together?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017): First just breathe. And then calmly ask you boyfriend if you could read his text. If he says no, you should make sure you know what he is doing when your not around. If he says yes, no need to be worried. He trust you ennough to let you snoop around in his phone.
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (22 January 2017):
 Reading the headline made me uncomfortable.
Consoling his ex over her dead grandma is okay.
Calling her after that to "catch up" and tell you that it's totally fine is NOT okay.
Confront him about it. If he continues to insist that it's nothing, he is thinking about going back with her, no doubt about it.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017): She wants him back and the death of her grandmother is being used to reel him back to her.
He is happy to help as she worms her way back into his heart.
She is confident that this will work as she extends the boundaries bit by bit.
Your boyfriend should put her on speaker phone when he talks to her and allow you to offer her support at the same time. If she does not like it then there is your answer.
Suggest she read a book on grief.
who are her friends ? which family members are supporting her? If none then she would be very lonely and would see him as her best option. Maybe she is super lonely?
If she hears your voice on speaker phone you will soon see how she reacts when she does not have him all to herself. I would be very uncomfortable with this situation.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (22 January 2017):
 Yes you are correct to be feeling as though boundaries are being crossed and he is being insensitive. Of course I don't know of the relationship between him and the grandmother however given it has been over a year since he and his ex have been in contact I suspect his support should have been left at condolences only. Why do you think they are reminiscing about their relationship? Has he told you the nature of conversation or are you assuming by chance? I would be suggesting that while you understand him initially supporting her, he shouldn't expect that you ,as his gf, have to be supportive of him having a relationship with his ex. should he get defensive that to me suggest he is willing to defend what they have rather than what you have so that would be my boundary crossed to consider ending the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (22 January 2017):
 Sit down with him and say you're okay with him supporting her about her grandmother's passing, but not okay with them reminiscing about their relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2017): Ugh... my boyfriend's ex did the same thing two years ago. It's like does she have no family or friends of her own that can comfort her?? She was actually using her Grandmother's illness and death as a 'bait' to get my boyfriend's attention. My boyfriend said he didn't see it like that but to me it's either he was blind or just too naive. She'd set a bait daily with her calls and text msgs waiting for my boyfriend to bite. She'd never say 'Let's meet up' but always hinted at it leaving it open for my boyfriend to suggest. Luckily, I had already had a talk with my boyfriend letting him know that he can lend all the support he wants by being on the phone or texting her, but I do not feel comfortable with him meeting with her alone. If he had to see her, then a mutual friend or myself will need to be present. I specifically said that they cannot go out drinking at night, even with friends unless I am there. So, my boyfriend knew his boundaries and never took her bait. She never got what she wanted - only remote support, a card, and some money as our support for funeral services. So went away eventually... well at least for a few months until another 'crisis' happened and she called him again. But soon she realized that as hard as she tried, she will never get the response she wanted - so eventually she stopped. But this wasn't until about three years after their breakup.So my suggestion is to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend and let him know what support you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with. Be sure he will not cross those boundaries and you will be fine.
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