A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I'm looking for some advice... I've been in a relationship for 3 months. When we first started dating I told him some things about my past I shouldn't have. It didn't seem to bother him then but it's a huge deal now. On top of that I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. He's not met the kids but he's struggling with the fact that I had an ex in my life whilst we were dating (he's no longer in my life now but I won't go into why). I love this man and maybe it was naive of me to think if he loved me he would see past all the other things. But today it seems to have got to breaking point. I just want to make it better. Any suggestions on what I do? I know the standard response that I see a lot here is 'you two aren't right for each other break up etc' but I really love this man and I want it to work. :(. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 January 2017):
 He sounds like he is insecure. Maybe you need to just reassure him that your ex is an ex for a reason. Pay him some more compliments ect. You also need to know that he may be saying these things to distance himself from you as he may feel it is not working.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 January 2017):
 That's his toxic masculinity view that he needs to get over - being a good provider isn't about being rich and you should be able to provide for yourself, especially as you've only been together for three months.
I think the two of you are rushing the relationship - you declaring love and him talking about providing for you - so the best option is to talk about slowing it down and not worrying about it for a while.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017): Op here, thank you for your replies. I suppose it’s hard to help without knowing specifically what the problems are... The things I told him about my past were sexual things that I told him when we first started dating. It bothers him that I used to be on good terms with my ex and that I told him when we first started dating that we used to be 'rich' I'm sure I went into how we'd blown it all and it wasn't for a very long period. But as my ex has moved abroad he's assumed he's well off and this bothers him cos he's comparing himself to him. He says it's a big thing for a guy to be able to provide and he doesn't feel like he could compete. It breaks my heart that he feels like he's in competition with my ex and that he feels down about it. I shouldn't have shared these things with him. Nothing I say seems to be making it any better :/. I feel like I really messed this up :/.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017): his issues about your past may just be his excuse to start distancing himself from you. You may feel that he is the one but a guy who adores you will learn to get over his issues with your past.
who hasn't had a previous relationship at your age.
You have two children. Do not even consider introducing him to your children while he is beset with all his concerns about your past.
At the beginning you were just feeling your way with him and although I have never dated two guys at the same time I have been interested in two guys at the same time and in the end I chose to accept that one was incapable of commitment and the other was only interested in a fling.
You need a solid loyal really good man to share your life with if you have children.
You do not need a guy full of resentment that you had a previous relationship or that initially you were not exclusively committed to this guy while you were disengaging with one guy and starting to feel interested in another guy.
I am not suggesting that you break up with this guy, but I am suggesting that you explore how really entrenched is his retroactive jealousy about your past.
You were honest to him and now he is throwing the past back in your face.
If he is serious about you then he will want you despite the past.
Most of all he needs to be a good man willing to also take on the role of being there for your children and offering them support and guidance in a caring and non-judgemental way, and if he cannot do that then he is not suitable whatsoever - retroactive jealousy or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 January 2017):
It's only been 3 months, this is the infatuation stage, not the love stage. Also, assuming your kids are under 16 (obviously), it would be unwise to introduce any boyfriends to them, until you've been together for 8+ months.
What issues from your past is he now struggling with? If we don't know, there's not a lot we can say on how to *attempt* to remedy it.
Is the father of your children involved in their lives? Unless he's abusive or a criminal, he should be and you should be receiving child support. I know you didn't ask about that, but it's important.
...............................
|
