A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,My boyfriend and I have been dating for 15months. His best friend is a woman he's known for 15. When they met, she was a lesbian in a long term relationship. They spent their Sunday nights together and started a ritual of making dinner and watching "their show" (Sex in the City, then it was the L word, then is was Nurse Jackie, now it's Big Love). They also get very very drunk as part of their ritual. A few years ago, she broke up with her partner and started dating a man. She is now married to that man for 3+ years. All this time my boyfriend and her continued their show nights. They start at 6, and drink well past midnight, when she calls her husband to come pick her up.Since we started dating, I have always shared that this makes me uncomfortable. The 4 of us have dinner together occasionally, but she and my boyfriend still have a need to alone time. I've proposed they do lunch, or cocktails, or anything other than hanging out alone at night. Especially because that means I don't see him/go over/he comes to my place on those nights because he's so trashed when they finished. We've discussed moving in together and I've what happens then? Am I expected to leave my own home once a month to allow them their space? He didn't have an answer but started finding ways out of her invitations. I told him they can still see each other alone doing other things, and there relationship doesn't need to revolve around getting drunk together. He still chose to put off hanging out together since June, but she won't give up. He finally asked me today if it's ok that he has "dinner" with her this Sunday. Calling it dinner or show night doesn't matter if she is still coming over to his place, they are still alone, and it is still from the hours of 6-midnight getting drunk (for Christmas she got him a bottle of gin so she would "have something to drink next time she's comes over"!). I said fine, and he clarified that he's asking if it would make me upset. I told him she won't stop asking and won't ever be ok with this so yes I would be upset. He's a grown person. He went on to make arrangements with her this Sunday. What do I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (25 February 2011):
 Ok so you have some pretty strong feelings about this not being appropriate. The only question left to ask then is this.
Are you willing to risk the relationship over it? If he isn't willing to give up movie nights with his friend?
Because even if does this for you that doesn't guarentee he won't resent you for it later.
A
female
reader, hadituptohere  +, writes (25 February 2011):
Hi
I completely understand that this situation makes you feel uncomfortable. I would feel exactly the same. You sound like you have been very reasonable by asking him to make alternative arrangements with his friend that would make you feel more comfortable.
He needs to realise that relationships work through compromise on areas such as this. Stick to your guns. If he can't respect your concerns, you might need to reconsider the relationship.
Hope this helps :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): First, thank you to everyone for your holistic and objective reaponses. I would like to clarify that my concern isn't him cheating on me. Looking back at what I wrote I see I didnt make that clear, so thank you for not jumping to conclusions!
I think Capri2 & adamatine hit the nail on the head. I just don't find it appropriate. If I had a girlfriend come and tell me the same thing, my opinion would be that while recognizing and respecting their long friendship, it's not respectful for him to be out with another woman like that. And yes, it is different that it's a woman and not a man friend! As much as we would like to believe differently, appearances do count. And i feel I am put in a position that makes me uncomfortable. Part of the reason I am posting to ask advice from strangers is because I can't bring myself to discuss this with friends as something that is still going on months later. Although I know they won't judge me, it's embarassing to have to explain that conditions which sounds more like making up reasons to myself.
I have suggested other ways for them to continue having time together, and yes I understand he needs time away from me- Just like I need time with my friends! But as Capri2 said, there are different stages of life and they don't seem to want to admit the world and their lives have moved forward. If they have the friendship that they say they have, it will thrive regardless the venue, practice or rituals. They don't see it the same way.
Oh and no her husband does not have a problem with it. He behaves similiarly, so it doesn't seem to be a problem his wife behaves like that with another guy. (I know that sounds harsh and I tried to rewrite it a couple times but it is what it is).
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (25 February 2011):
Sorry but I am going to have to diagree with most of the comments above. Ok I admitt I would not be thrilled about the fact they feel the need to get drunk everytime they have these movie nights but other than that I think you are being a little selfish and unfair.
After all how would you feel if he asked you to dump your best freind for him?
I'd tell a guy to take a hike if he ever tried to come between me and my best friend. That friendship was there long before he came along and will most likely be there after he is gone. To me a true friend attains an even higher status in ones life then family because you don't get to choose your family but you do choose your friends. And the good ones you choose for life.
And now you want him to dump her for you even though you don't have any reason to suspect them of cheating or doing anything else inappropriate. Not smart girl. Not smart at all.
So no I don't think it's fair or even a good idea for you to try and "break" them up. That's the bad news. The good news it that you don't have to. Given time it would have happened naturally all on its on. Starting when you move in with your boyfriend.
Once you do move in his and her movie night should transition into a movie night for the three of you.
And you won't be just another guest in his home anymore. It will be your home as well which gives you a higher status. This may be a small thing but it will set the tone for a new relationship to develope between you and her and should help you deal with your insecurities better as well.
As you & your boyfriend develope as a couple the frequency of these get togethers should drop off naturally as well in time. So by the time you two get married and start a family they will have probably become almost none existent, or just a couple of times a year at most.
The best thing I think you could do in the meantime is turn her from being just "his" friend into your friend. Once you get to know her she might not be half bad. Plus she probably has some good insight into your boyfriend and be a font of information about him, which could actually help you in the long run to hold onto him.
After all, they haven't been friends all this time for nothing so there must be something he is getting out of their relationship. Maybe it's something he isn't getting from you? Perhaps it would serve you well to figure out what that something is and make sure he doesn't have to go looking for it elsewhere, with her or with anyone else for that matter.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (25 February 2011):
If what bugs you is he could cheat on you. I think, chances are that she is the last person your boyfriend will cheat on you with.
Let alone the cheating, this is a problem for your relationship, specially if you want to live together. As you already know, they can't ask you to leave your home. That isn't realistic.
Your boyfriend and her friend have to grow up and understand that, no matter how much you like something, there is a stage on your life for that. And when this stage is over, you can hardly keep doing certain things. In fact, it should be your boyfriend asking here how to solve this problem. Not you.
In my own opinion you should give him a week for ending this (not his friendship but the ritual) and move on in case he fails to make you happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Stop being so selfish maybe? He's already risked damaging this friendship because he knows it makes you uncomfortable.
It seems to be more about your own insecurities than anything. If you don't trust him or suspect he's cheating on you with her, then why are you even in this relationship?
He obviously enjoys these show nights so why not compromise and suggest he have them every few weeks instead of every week. Although I agree you shouldn't have to leave your own home if you two move in together and that's something he's going to have to accept.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): This sounds really strange to me. If I was you I would never let him go and if he did, it be over.
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 Oh wow thats a tough one. There are some boundaries that should be set if you're in a relationship and have friends of the opposite sex. That means no "drunken movie nights" with just the two of them alone. Have you been able to speak to her yourself and tell her this makes you uncomfortable? How about her husband, does he feel the same? I think there needs to be some rules set, because that kind of behaviour is not appropriate.
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