A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It may be something or nothing but ever since I found out my boyfriend and my best friend had a very short relationship (purely sex) nearly 3 years ago, I can't work out why neither of them told me before, instead I found out from a mutual friend. Am I over thinking this? My best friend is truly my best friend. When I left home after huge rows with my parents, her parents took me in. We have known each other our whole lives and I thought we shared everything, but clearly not.I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months almost and we have just decided to get our own place. We decided because of my job to wait until summer is over to move in together because I simply won't have the time, and now I'm actually glad we decided that.So basically, we have all had the same friendship circle since school, but after school we sort of stop hanging around together as much. I met my boyfriend at a friend's wedding, and we had a chat about school and what we were doing now ect. He took my number and with that, we started seeing each other. My friend never once tried to tell me about their past and neither did he. I'm not bothered about that as such, more the fact I wasn't told if it was just sex.A girl who I have known for quite a while was a little drunk a few weeks back and made a comment basically asking if we had ever had a threesome. I asked why she would even say that and she replied that he has slept with you both so why not. They both went quite but denied it. When the girl was sober I asked her again and she explained she was drunk and she shouldn't had said anything but it was true. It only lasted a few weeks because she got back with her now ex. I had no idea that they were even in contact then. They both admitted it later but they both said they didn't want to say anything because it doesn't matter. But that works both ways right? I mean if there was nothing to worry about then why not be honest? It's not like they cheated on me is it?I just can't get my head around it all. So many questions are spinning around but I don't know if I want them answered or not!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2014): People are entitled to keep their past a secret. But this old hookup of your BF's is not in the past. She is right here in your present life and she will be in your future. That means you had the right to know about it from the beginning. Both of them had an obligation to tell you. Just because people declare something "just sex" that does not absolve them of the responsibilities that come with sex. Coming clean in situations like this is one of those responsibilities. What if these two had gotten "closer" in the future, talking on the phone, maybe hanging out together without you sometimes, and you didn't think anything of it because you were in the dark about their history? Meanwhile some of your other friends in the social circle even knew . . . you would probably feel humiliated if all this came to pass. And rightly so. Maybe they never had any plans to do anything wrong behind your back. But you still had the right to know the score and make your own choices about what you were comfortable with.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): The fact that this is your best friend is important because this is a person who is probably always going to be a part of your life and who you trust. While I can understand why they didn't mention it, I can also equally understand that you're upset that they didn't because it feels like something was concealed from you, and I agree there should be no reason to. Why be embarrassed if modern dictates say nothing is wrong with a pure sex relationship etc.? It's up to you to decide where to go from here. If you can forget about it great for you.
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A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (20 June 2014):
Hi, I think finding it out has been the shocking thing for you here. Suddenly, your 18 month relationship has this added 'thought' in it. Also, the person it was with is a part of your circle. For me, I am afraid it is a deal breaker. Sorry, I would suffer with this and it would consume me. Regardless of whether it is your business or in the past won't help you. The fact is, this is an issue for you. So, you have either got to try to find a way to live with it, (it will always be in your mind) and you can dress it up any way you like, it will still be there or, you can solve this problem by leaving the relationship. I personally would leave because it would be too greater an issue for me. There is no rationality to my reason, but something like this would affect me regardless of the rights or wrongs.Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 June 2014):
 I agree they didn't mention it because 1. it was in the past and 2. it wasn't anything major, just sex.
If you expect your BF to give you a list of prior ladies and what positions and whatnot they did I think it's out of line.
Same with your best friend. Have you considered she didn't tell you about him because she was a little embarrassed to have engaged in some casual sex? YOUR best friend AND your BF are entitled to have privacy of their past. Their past is not yours to peruse.
You are making this out to be some kind of betrayal, it's not.
Now in all honesty, I think it's a little strange that your BFF or BF didn't mention it, but maybe they didn't discuss it because they thought you would be mad or upset... AND YOU just proved them right.
I'd let it go.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 June 2014):
 You've een with your (current) boyfriend for 18 months. The FWB thing took place 36 months ago. Sounds to me like that is none of your business....
Good luck....
P.S. Just a "guy pointer".... we don't go around bragging to our current lady those things that we did in the past with OTHER ladies.... (tho' we WILL tell all the guys at our favorite bar or sports club!!!!)....
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (20 June 2014):
 You are making something out of nothing here. You knew your BF was not a virgin when you started seeing him and would have known that he had had sexual relations with others before you. He doesn't have to give names, reasons or justification for his former sexual partners. Whether it was purely sex or a loving relationship is for him, and those people he slept with, to know and not something for you to be intruding into. It makes no difference to your current relationship whatsoever. Of course if he had been sleeping around before he met you and putting it about then it would be wise to ask for STD tests, but that is a separate issue not really relating to your question.
To be fair your best friends sex life is her business and non of yours. She may be your closest friend, someone you confide in, and a deep, close bond may exist between you, BUT if she has sex then that's something to keep to her self. Some things are personal and best kept that way. You and your friend are not teenagers, you are at an age and stage in life where sex should be private, not shouted from the roof tops. She was under no obligation to inform you that she was in a sex only relationship with him or anyone else for that matter. She was respecting her privacy and that of her then partner. This was long before you and your BF got together.
At the point in time when they were intimate, neither them nor you knew that you and your BF would even get together. Short of being able to foresee future events, they had no way to know that this situation would occur.
As for the fact that it was just sex, how does that change anything? They were single adults engaging in sex with consent and full knowledge of what was on offer. They did absolutely nothing wrong.
Mark
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): They should have told you and explained what happened. I would have! It would have given you time to get your head round things and decide if you did/didn't want a relationship with him. Of course it changes how you feel. You would have to have a very thick skin to brush this off so easily.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): Why didn't they tell you? Because it's none of your business, OP what happened between them three years ago.
Seriously, how is this anything to do with you? Two friends had sex briefly while she was enduring a break up, it probably got a bit messy and they most likely want to forget it happened too. Rebounds generally create a bit of a mess, OP.
It doesn't work both ways, OP, you have no automatic right to know all of your boyfriends past secrets, he has a right to privacy as long as it doesn't impact on you, and this doesn't in any way except the way you insist on making it do so.
You kicking up a fuss now and acting hard done by is unwarranted. It was a fling that happened a long time ago, if they want to keep that private and between them then that's their right. You don't have any right to be upset at them for choosing not to divulge private details of their past to you. It means nothing, it doesn't matter to you and it's best if you just accept it and move on.
We all have a past, OP. What difference does it make to you that they had a brief fling? It doesn't, so all these questions are pointless and you know it.
I mean what do you need to know other than they slept together a few times while she crushed from a break up and needing comfort, that it obviously didn't turn into anything more, after three years of it not happening again it's never going to be anything more but also didn't ruin their friendship.
There you go, that's all you need to know and now it's time to respect their privacy.
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