A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Every time we have an argument my boyfriend grabs all my things and throws them all over the floor and puts them in bags by the door and tells me to get out. He grabs me by the wrist and hurts my wrist trying to drag me to the door. This happens EVERY time we have an argument. I am looking to talk and communicate. He is just so emotionally distant. Instead of listening to me and trying to change he always tries to throw me out. What did I do to deserve this? He makes me feel like trash. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2022): Some may say tell the police, but you need proof before they will listen. Real proof. Not just he said this and I did that stuff. The police get masses of these complaints and know that many are made up or exaggerated or done out of revenge and spite. They have no way of knowing if this is true or not just based on your say so.And it is not illegal to shout at someone or threaten someone, not illegal at all. Then there is this point. The police will ask you why you are still living with him if he is so bad. And it's a great question. Because you choose to live with him and if it were that bad you would have left. You would have found a way. But reading between the lines of your post you are hoping he will change and you cannot see him for what he really is. It has not occurred to you that the only solution is leaving! Is there hope for you? Will you wise up?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2022): Someone responded "Abusive people have good sides too " .So what ? Everybody has good sides too .Hitler apparently was great with children and with dogs.
Personally I think physical abuse is the ultimate, instant deal-breaker .( Not that I condone verbal abuse, but I understand how one may be hesitant to break up just because of it).A person grabs you by the wrists and drags you ?- bye bye , hit the road Jack, game over - instantly.Maybe it is acceptable that this type of things happens once, because it takes you by surprise, but letting it happen a second, a third time or more ?...naaahhh.Not if one has some common sense. Because it's not just a matter of pride and dignity ( that too, of course ) a matter of wanting to be treated with respect - it's a matter of being prudent and staying safe. This kind of physically aggressive behaviour has a nasty way to escalate fast, you start with grabbing wrists and then it becomes pushing and shoving , and then slapping and punching etc.etc. and some day soon you may find yourself at the E.R.- or at the morgue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2022): Instead of moaning about him to anyone who will listen - yawn yawn - we have heard it all before many times, face facts. He will not change. He is what he is. You seem to think that moaning will accomplish something, a bit like a powerful black magic spell that turns a nasty frog into a prince.
All you are doing is wasting time and boring people with this.
You need to take action. You either decide to let it go and put up with it and stop complaining - because it is a choice to be with him, whether he is nice or nasty - or you do everything in your power to end the relationship. This may mean, God forbid, that you have to get a job or a better job or work longer hours so you can pay your way in the real world. Nothing wrong with that. Loads of women choose to do it even when they do not have to. I choose to work full time despite being financially far better off than most. It gives you a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning.
Perhaps your guy does not respect you because you are simply doing nothing all of the time? Just wanting to go shopping and have fun does this to a guy. Guys fall in love with women who contribute to society and take care of themselves.
Here is an example - I know a woman who doted on a guy. He would visit her every friday evening and stay till sunday. Bringing a bag of laundry with him friday, eating a delicious home cooked three course meal friday, staying for two days of more delicious food, his ironing being done and lots of great sex. The woman insisted she was not allowed to go out the rest of the week because he did not like it or allow it! So all week she sat there bored and lonely. With no self respect. T But in your case maybe you need to, so that you can make a better life for yourself. If you choose to stay with a nasty man because it saves you from having to get a job or a better job or work longer hours then you get no sympathy whatsoever, because you are selling yourself. You cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs, so get some eggs and break them. Or carry on being hungry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2022): Every one has their cut off point and you should have reached yours by now so you need to make different living arrangements.
And avoid escalation of conflict if you can.
If your boyfriend manhandled you, you can complain to the police.
Once he has dragged you to the front door with your things in a couple of bin bags, what do you do?
Do you leave peacefully and determine to never return or do you believe that he will miss you so much he will want you back?
Please seek help to sort out the cause of your conflicts and stop knocking on his door if this is the outcome.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2022): Hot and cold love is a very strange combination and leaves a person feeling very insecure and never sure where they stand!
I wonder about your living arrangements!
Do you pay the bills for the property or does he carry the financial burden?
Do you have another place where you live or do you have a place of your own but just keep one or two bits at his house?
I ask this because I'm wondering where your cut off point is and also what escalates an argument to th point where he wants you to leave against your will.
He shouldn't grab you by the wrists.
What are your methods of communication.
If, for example you grabbed a knife and started waving it about he would be in his rights to ask you to leave.
If he pays for everything and you are a guest who overstepped the mark by shouting threats and abuse at him, he would also be within his rights to ask you to leave.
But the emphasis would be on ask rather than drag you to the door.
Perhaps you are from such different backgrounds that you are not compatible other than sexually.
Something keeps you going back for more so maybe you believe you can make him into something he is not.
Counselling really helps if you can afford it or find a way to get it from a health source that doesn't charge you the earth.
At least you can try to see what causes these outbursts.
And find a better way to deal with them!
If you share the property
50/50 I think you would be better off to find a new flatshare.
If either of you lunges at the other in anger the situation could become dangerous.
It sounds as though things get to the tipping point rather to fast, where push comes to shove and words become abusive rather than understanding.
Is your guy a monster who turns on you violently if you say something like ' it would be so good to get this sorted out!'
Or does it become a clanging match where you are telling him to "FUCK OFF"!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2022): You can't talk a rotten boyfriend into being a good man. You have to leave him. If he doesn't want to listen; then save him the trouble of packing for you. Pack and leave yourself! Your tears have no affect on him.
I know leaving when you have no place to go is preposterous. What's even more preposterous is trying to reason with someone who refuses to listen to you; yet you insist on being with him!
If you don't have the financial resources to move-out, or you are estranged from your own family, and nobody you know will take you in; then you may have to do some research to find the nearest shelter for battered and abused women. You may need to find a place with someone looking for a roommate. If it's your house, or apartment; then consult with a lawyer on how to evict him!
Somehow I always feel our words go nowhere when responding to these kind of heartbreaking posts!
You are a victim of abuse, and our words are not going to be enough to encourage you to leave him. You may be financially dependent on him. That means you're going to need to seek the kindness of a friend, parent(s), or family-member; to temporarily take you in. Most abused-women don't want anybody to know about their abuse. They won't even call the police when they're in danger; or won't press charges when they do report domestic-violence. Not always because they're afraid of him; but they're afraid he'll leave them!
When you think you're hopelessly in-love with somebody, you just don't want to give them up. Maybe you're afraid of being without a man, because you're a woman over 40; so you're convinced your options are limited. You can do bad all by yourself!
When you wrongfully believe you can change someone; yet you see time and time again they are becoming progressively worse. You're in denial.
You'll blame yourself, and he will convince you that it's your fault! He will gaslight you 24/7; and you'll believe every filthy-rotten thing he says to and about you!!! You're hard-headed, and determined you're going to nag him until he falls in-line. Good luck! You're going to get the opposite results. You'll provoke him, until he physically harms you! You're not in-love, you are emotionally-dependent; and probably suffering from a mild case of Stockholm's syndrome.
Some women love drama, and don't want a relationship without it. Others may think they'll use love to tame the beast. If that's how a woman thinks, our advice is wasted; because their friends and family have already tried and given-up on them. Everyone concerned has already tried to intervene; but some women just won't leave him, no matter how badly they are treated. They love without needing it reciprocated. How they can do that, I really don't know! They just can't fathom the fact that it isn't love! Love has to be reciprocated. He may say he loves you, but read your post. Is that how a man who loves you treats you? Why won't he listen to what you have to say? What kind of man throws a woman out over an argument???
It's time you find a place to go. You might need to mend some fences, or rebuild some bridges; if people have turned their backs, because they've tried and gave-up!
You can't stay with him. He wouldn't throw you out, if he knew you had someplace to go! It's not your fault. You don't by any means deserve to be treated in such a way. Do your research, and find yourself a shelter, or temporary place to live. Find a empathetic friend who will take you in. Then go file a restraining order; so he won't come after you, once he knows you've left with no intention of coming back.
Report incidents of violence to the police. Don't be carried out of your place on a stretcher, or in a body bag. He is the type of guy who might be capable of doing such harm. A coward who hits or manhandles a woman, is potentially dangerous. He wouldn't do that to someone capable of fighting back! He stakes his masculinity on being the dominant one, and calling all the shots. He feels he's the big-man in control; and you're pathetically infatuated. He knows you'd probably comeback if you ever left him. He'll sweettalk you back; and you'll go through it all over again. "Cuz you love him!" These words tick me off, coming from a woman who is mistreated and abused!!! Yet is isn't her fault. He has no right! You should leave before he throws you out! I don't know if you'll take our advice; but I'll pray you will. I pray you have family who loves you, and will take you in!
He will never be kind! He doesn't want to hear your complaints, or about your feelings! His apologies and tears don't mean squat!!! He will only be nice, to keep you from telling anybody, filing charges, or calling the police! He has thrown you out; because he really wants you gone! He doesn't care about your "feelings!" Obviously!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2022): I find that people are harsh on people who hurt others and people only change when they lose someone or when someone persevere in helping them .. abusive people have good sides too and sometimes they need help ... before you go back ask him to seek help and just date .. he may shout the loudest but you have the power if you want it ..
Every month on my lady days I lose it at my husband and kids .. I seek help at these times but i just blow up but the rest of the time i am happy chatty person .. my husband doesn't like me much at these times but he loves me regardless.. in good times and bad ...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 July 2022):
 I will echo mystiquek, THIS is abuse!
WHY do you keep dating him, keep going back?
You are like a dog whose owner kicks him thinking "this must be love"!
No, it's not! It's ABUSE!
"He makes me feel like trash."
Because he is TREATING you like trash!
End it, Walk away, and seek out some counseling for yourself. You need to work out WHY you are "letting" this happen, why you keep going back. ONE time should be a total deal breaker.
"What did I do to deserve this?"
You questioned his "authority" and wanted to EXPRESS how you feel.
This is his way of controlling the situation.
You DO NOT deserve this. No one does.
WALK away now and find a better partner! This one is shit!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2022): I am just a 14m and I may not know everything, but I can tell you that you need a NEW boyfriend. He does not deserve you. Do not waste any more time on him. A guy that treats a girl like that (especially his supposed girlfriend) deserves to get pounded into the ground. I volunteer to do the deed. Seriously though, he sounds like a loser. Please dump the dude. I would not do anything like that but I can tell you that my GF would not put up with it and her sisters would murder me on the spot. Be strong and move on.
Your friend, Calvin (alias)
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (19 July 2022):
 This is abuse. Do you know that? Why are you still with him?? He treats you terribly! You deserve better. Get out!
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