A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,so I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half, his currently serving in the RAF so were semi long distance and only see one another weekends (mostly)the problem is I feel he always puts his job before me. Without sounding immature I truly understand and admire his commitment but I'm beginning to feel that his not seriously commited to me even though he says he is. Do you think its fair that he make plans then he suddenly change them last minute because his volunteered to work or has a competion he has to attend etc. I'm always understanding yet I feel that he takes this for granted that if he suddenly decides to change our plans and not visit here I will just go to him. Do you think I'm right? Should I be so understanding? Or in such cases not go travel to see him even though that makes me sad as I miss him to prove point. Or do you agree with him that work should be a main priority? Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): Hi I'm the OP, thank you for taking the time to offer advice,if fact you were all pretty spot on. My boyfriend is working towards a promotion hence all the extra work being put in but unfortuately this isn't the first time no its quite a regular occuance I can never quite tell when plans are going ahead which I find frustrating. I have tried to talk to him but he takes it personally and gets defensive, I try and be patience as I realise in the world today job security does worry him but I just feel somewhere I also have to be a priority too. In regards to keeping busy I work, volunteer and have a great circle of friends so am also very busy I judt always seem to balance life and him and would never let him down last minute I guess that's why it hurts as in basing his actions against with my own. It was interstng to read other perspective tho. X
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): Modnote: RAF = Royal Air Force.It's the United Kingdom: Royal Air Force.Prince William and Prince Harry have both served in UK military.- - - - - - I'm not sure what the acronym RAF stands for; so I'll guess that it stands for a branch of the military.When people become unusually absorbed in their work, it is usually due to an ambition to achieve a promotion; or an award of merit. Perhaps a monetary bonus or award.Unless he is committed, he may be by-passed or fall short of certain requirements; if this is in competition with several others seeking the same goal. Slacking off gives the advantage to his competitors. The military demands better than the best. Jobs are few and highly competitive in general.When you become involved with a person of high ambition, there is a certain amount of sacrifice to be made. If he is under military orders; he doesn't have a choice. He must comply; or he will be severely reprimanded. Even demoted.If he is a civilian in the corporate sector, he is fully aware of how hard it is to get ahead.If you're feeling neglected; you may need to find something to keep you stimulated and preoccupied. People with little to do, or no outside interests, spend a major part of their idle time worrying or obsessing over something.When he is busy, you should be doing something you love to do. Spending more time with your friends and family, or learn to do something fulfilling and creative. Working on self-improvement projects. Planning your future.The primary reason many women feel lonely within a relationship, is they focus on nothing else. They inadvertently drive their partners away by holding on too tight. Fearing abandonment anytime he is away.Their world revolves around their relationship, and they don't seek or have their own friends; or they never do anything on their own. The have no individual identity.They can't function independently of a couple. Sometimes they neglect their own families. Family is our most important support system. You should never let your parents or siblings feel alienated or forgotten; because all your love goes to your partner or spouse. That is, if your family loves and misses you and you know it.Clingy women depend on their men to provide friends, entertainment, and an unlimited supply of strength and compliments. He must ease every fear and comfort every anxiety. They rely on him like air.That is too much reliance on someone else.He deserves time off. Some men makeup excuses just for time for himself; but that may cause her to feel he is no longer in love with her. She broods or becomes hypersensitive.Therefore, she begins to imagine a lot of things that don't necessarily exist within their relationship. Thus, feeding suspicions and insecurities. If he doesn't spend every moment of his time with her; he is somewhere cheating, or he is losing interest in her.No, that isn't always the case. He's not intentionally neglecting or abandoning you in preference of his job. He is trying to reach his fullest potential. We are given limited windows of time to achieve certain aspirations. Time is our greatest adversary.Everyone within a relationship needs room to breath, grow, make friends, and stretch professionally. This makes for a more successful relationship; and it will last longer.Co-dependence smothers our spouses and partners. Forcing them to detach and flee, just to get air. They pull away only to redefine their own identity.I'm not saying that is necessarily your problem, but it eventually becomes a problem in every relationship. I bring it up; because if it isn't realized, it goes unchecked.That doesn't mean you can't tell him you feel lonely and that he has neglected you; and you miss him. You must also put your foot down; when he has broken a series of outings at the last minute; or changes plans without prior notice.That is rude and inconsiderate. It goes beyond selfish. You should be as supportive as possible to allow him to reach his goals; then he will return his attention to you.However; when he has pushed things to the limit of your tolerance, let him know the toll it is taking on your relationship. Then he will be forced to reset his priorities; and budget his time to include the woman in his life.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (17 June 2013):
 I based off experience know for fact that if he a provider or trying to be a main provider to support. I understand that is priorited and prioritized not exactly being put before you. To analyze this as putting his job first over you it is not suffice to analyzed it that way. You lively hood and source to provide is responsibility and initiative not putting anyone or thing first. It has been stated and proven if you shall leave or not be able to be present in a relationship with him he still has responsibilities to provide for himself and live. This is a fact in life we have to be tax paying making a livelihood and working in this world we partake in. Its fact peoples careers jobs even hobbies are president to survival in or out of a relationship. Dont take it personal be understanding put yourself in there shoes to have empathy and perphaps be supportive that they are working and trying to live. If its not enough attention in the relationship make priority with the free time and off time available and make it count and be worth it. Im just saying its a challenge and its is a issue when some of us are work a one holics. Its a song mentioned I like trying to get that getty green and trying to make a dollar out of 15 cent. Communicate to them how you feeling about it and see if its even a issue once its talked out it can be fixed to were o. Off time from work its all about you and the relationship. This is too easy I been through this to where I work so much and never was able to have time to enjoy the fruits and works of my labor more or less to my family or my better half.
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A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (17 June 2013):
If u are unhappy then u should express it, regardless of how clingy or needy u seem. Discuss this with him bc it could be u two are incompatible in that realm. He can't put work first all the time n he can't put u first all the time. Maybe u should volunteer too or occupy more of ur own time. Or let him make the plans. Whatever u do, just communicate.
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