A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 36yr old woman and have been with my 28yr old man for 2yrs. I can count on 1 hand how many times we have had sex. I dont understand I've done all I can to get us there but nothing seems to work. So I just keep asking him why wont you make love to me in 20 diff. ways. And every time he comes up with these crazy answers. the last one was he said he just dont have a sex drive and that he never thinks about it anymore. I dont know what to do? I feel like he made me fall in love without even telling me about this. like he just chose for me. And if this is the case do I really want to stay with someone who will never have sex with me again. It also makes me feel ugly like something is wrong with me . Help Please !!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): My husband went through the same thing when he was 23. He finally manned up and went to the doctor and got tested for low testosterone. Unfortunatley it came back fine and that wasn't the problem. I know a lot of people suffer from this though. But, he was clinically depressed. He is the only one to acknowledge the fact that he was depressed. He was given an antidepressant and within the first month, he was waking up at 2am ready to have sex because he got his sex drive back. Fortunately he still has his sex drive and everything is in the past. Good luck to you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): I hate to keep jumping on the hormone issue on these types of posts, but it is a real problem for many men and a greatly under diagnosed one at that. There are stories on healthboards.com about men between the ages of 19 and 60s and older who have no or low sexual desire or performance ability because of screwed up hormones, typically testosterone and/or estradiol.
Here are 2 of the many stories from healthboards:
http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=621502
http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=600394
Hormone problems in men usually have more than just sexual symptoms. Other symptoms are depression, mood swings, fatigue, loss of strength, less muscle and more fat.
When the hormone problem gets worse, it is common to just not care any more. I was at that point a couple of months ago when my testosterone was at its lowest just before starting treatment. I only felt that way for a couple of days though, as I had recognized the symptoms a month earlier and talked to my doctor about it at my annual physical. By the time that I got the blood test results and came back from a trip, I was feeling pretty miserable.
My symptoms started about a year earlier, with mild ED. About 6 months later, I started to have mild depression and frequent mood swings. It took another 6 months before my sex drive started down and that was just before I searched the internet for all of the symptoms that I had: lower sex drive, mild ED, depression, mood swings, fatigue, some loss of strength. Of course, I am 63, but this can happen to men in their 20s also. When started on testosterone replacement, my sex drive came back almost immediately. Depression and mood swings got better soon after and the ED is much better. Strength and fatigue haven’t gotten better, but that is supposed to take 3 to 6 months.
Depression is often such a mis-diagnosed condition in men. Most doctors will put a man on anti-depressants for depression. Most anti-depressants kill both a man’s and a woman’s sex drive. Very often in men, it is a hormone problem that is causing the depression, but most doctors never look at that when a man is depressed.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 July 2008):
 Hi, this sounds very frustrating for you, and confusing. I don't have an answer for you, but I do think that Emily has a good strategy laid out for you.
The way I see it, you have to rule out possibilities until you know the cause. After you know the cause, then you can determine if you can stay in the relationship.
Physical issues (erectile dysfunction or other disease processes). Mental health issues (depression). Sexual orientation (perhaps he's bi or gay?). Or really and truly no sex drive.
The crazy answers point me at options B or C. Pay attention to him and have a sincere, calm, loving talk about how this is troubling you and that sex is important to your intimacy with him.
Then follow Emily's advice.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (30 July 2008):
It could be that he has a problem with sex, or some deep issue that he's scared to tell you about.
It could be that he genuinely has a low sex drive.
I would sit him down and tell him you can't go on in a relationship without sex. Tell him that he needs to tell you if there is some reason or something he needs help to get over, explain that it makes you feel ugly and rejected.
If he doesn't or won't explain then you have 2 options, either leave and try to get over him, or stay and accept he just doesn't like sex and buy a vibrator.
The other thing you could consider is an open relationship, so you could go out and get that kick of feeling sexy and wanted and have lots of sex and then go home to your man.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (30 July 2008):
 I wouldn't mind betting this goes back many yrs to his childhood. Maybe one of his folks put across that sex was dirty or something? Otherwise he could be depressed? Is that possible? Labido is the first thing to go out the window if someones depressed. Its unusual for a male to not think about sex!
C xxxxx
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