A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I posted about a month/two back about having had an affair with boss and having ended it. He wanted to stay super secret best friends. But I’ve done a great job of only being professional with him and not interacting unless absolutely necessary.. And I’ve started looking for new jobs (no luck yet). I’ve been refocusing my energy on my husband and family and even that has improved (although still a long way to go there). I was doing so well until...I had to talk to my boss and we got derailed rehashing everything again. He said he was stepping back trying to contact me because he knew I was avoiding him. But, He again begged me to go back to being friends like before the physical stuff even started. He said he loves talking to me, he just loves hearing my voice - even when I’m upset with him. He said it really hurts him that my impression is that hes a pig that used me and didn’t genuinely care (not entirely sure that is my impression but I’m sure I said stuff in anger). He said he really believes that had our timing been different we’d be amazing together. He also said that I’ve changed him - he’s lost a lot of weight and is managing people differently and focused on being a better person. He of course made a jab at my husband too - but in the same breath tells me I’m going to have more kids with him, that he never listed after me until he made his move (despite 5 years of clearly an emotional affair).Why?? Why is he even still talking about it - ugh!The feelings never left but now they’ve come flooding back in like rapids.I know when you’re going through hell you need to just keep going but this set back has me all confused and hurt again. Help me find the strength to keep moving on!!!
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affair, best friend, move on, my boss Reply to this Question
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (19 January 2019):
 Yep, new job needed ASAP.
He’s worried you think he’s a pig? Well why wouldn’t you think that? He is a huge one, an absolute twat in fact. What guy cheats with a married woman? ‘Super secret friends’? Is he 12 years old? That sounds like something a child would say.
DO NOT respond to anything that isn’t work related. You need to stay professional here at all times moving forward, concentrate all of your energy on your job and husband if you’re serious about making it work, hard to believe I’ll admit considering you cheated on him.
Your boss is a sad, old man that’s worried that you’re realising the piece of shit that he is and he can’t get his no strings attached sex anymore. I’m not sure of many people who have learnt how to deal with people better and in the same breath slags someone off. He hasn’t changed at all, he’s the same pathetic cheating loser he’s always been and is making a last ditch attempt to ‘win’ you back.
Find a job, work on your marriage, stay professional.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 January 2019):
 Have to agree with the others and say you need to concentrate your efforts on finding another job rather than on what happened. This is a good time to be searching as many people, if they are going to give up their job, hold on till after Christmas is over.
Make a point of checking as many job sites as you can. Perhaps send out CVs to companies for whom you would like to work on the off chance that they can use you.
In the meantime, stay away from your boss as much as you reasonably can and try to focus even more on your marriage. With any luck, you will soon find something else and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2019): Time to hire a job-placement agency that specializes in providing experienced candidates in your field. Use every available resource to help you find work that you can.
If you're even a tiny bit serious about about your marriage.
I just don't believe there is much sincerity in your post.
If you can't find the strength; you don't really value your marriage. You should have left that job when you supposedly ended the affair.
You crossed a line, and these are the consequences. You have to give-up your job, you've put your marriage in jeopardy, and you're likely to face a really nasty divorce. You've cheated for a long time.
Oh, the feelings have come rushing back? Who are you kidding?
Get a divorce.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 January 2019):
 I'd work WAY hard on looking of a new job. I'd even consider using an agency to find one. Yes, it might cost a bit of money but you have a good chance of finding a new job faster.
Also, HAVE a clear goal in mind. Like, MAKE your marriage and finding a new job your main focus. AVOID (as best as you can contact with him, especially one-on-one situations). And whenever "tempted" REMEMBER your focus and goals. A little "sweet-talking" ISN'T going to make this affair OK. It isn't going to change and make your life better. HE isn't going to make your life better.
Feelings don't just "poof", YOU have to take control of your feeling AND actions.
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