A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I split up with my boyfriend of 10 years a few months ago and he's really effected my self esteem. He said quite hurtful things about my body, I'm just looking for some opinions from guys about what kind of imperfections would really put you off.I have great legs and a nice bum, not to be crude but I've been told that my, umm, lady parts, look good...sorry if that's a bit too much info!The problem is that I have stretch marks on my stomach that are really bad and my areolas are bigger than I'd like them to be. My ex said harsh things about them.So basically I'm happy with the bottom but not the top.I could stand to lose about 10lbs, my BMI is one number higher than it should be.There's absolutely nothing I can do about my boobs and stomach, I can't afford surgery, but I'm really miserable that if I ever did see someone else I'd be too uncomfortable to take my clothes off.Be honest, if a womans body was a mess would you want to sleep with her still? If there were really bad bits but then good bits too could you look past them?My ex didn't want to have sex with me, he had no interest in it at all, he watched porn so I just feel down about myself. I would always go to the effort of dressing nicely but he didn't really care.Is there anything I can do that would turn a man on regardless of the way my body looks?
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boobs, my ex, porn, self esteem, split up, stretch marks Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2018): I was always being acuused of watchung porn.But I wasnt.I wish my girl really knew just how beautiful she is.JUst make shure you know the facts before you accuse.
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (21 August 2018):
I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree. I didn’t come here to argue. My original intention was to try to diffuse some of the tension - that’s why I said I understood that your intentions were good, but the delivery could be taken another way. That’s all.
Of course it would be lovely if people could just ‘get over’ their issues, but sadly I think that’s far too idealistic. It’s not the same thing, but I’ve had PTSD for 14 years and I’ve told myself dozens of times that I’m just going to ‘get over it’, but obviously it has never happened like that. After all this time it’s rarely an issue but it’s taken years and a lot of hard work to get there.
Although I don’t expect people should have to change their behaviour to accommodate my issues in any way, it would be nice to think that if I pointed out ways in which they COULD help, or ways in which their words might make the problem worse, I’d hope they WOULD try to accommodate that rather than saying it’s my own problem to deal with. They don’t have to, it would just be nice.
Now I’m obviously not saying that body insecurities are the same as PTSD, but they still involve the suffering of a fellow person. Whether or not you think the reasons are trivial, it is still hurt and pain. I’m not saying people should be sitting in a perpetual pity party, wallowing in their perceived flaws. Just that sometimes as human beings we are irrational and we do feel bad about ourselves, and it’d be nice if people could keep that in mind more often before they speak and judge. Basically, it costs nothing to be considerate.
To be honest, in my original post I was simply trying to point out that your words seemed to have caused offence accidentally. And if you go back and read it, I also said I thought those on the other side had misconstrued your good intentions, so it wasn’t an attack on you personally.
All I was really hoping for/expecting was that you would agree that it hadn’t been your intention to cause offence, but you appreciate being told the other ways that your words could be construed for future reference. Instead you said that you don’t care if you caused offence as that’s the recipient’s problem rather than yours. That caught me off guard I’ll admit, but I do appreciate it’s your right to feel that way so I won’t bother trying to convince you any more.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (20 August 2018):
Code Warrior, I wasn’t suggesting that you have to find everyone attractive or that you can’t have an opinion on a person's looks. Of course you can. All I was asking you to do was to try to see things from the other side. To accept that it’s horrible to feel like you are constantly being scrutinised and at risk of being rejected for the smallest or most random things. Things that you sometimes can’t control. That’s all I was asking. It’s great that you don’t care if you are rejected, but many people do.
Now if you don’t want to give a damn about anyone else's insecurities, that’s entirely your choice. I personally try to be a little more compassionate and understanding, but each to their own.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (20 August 2018):
Code Warrior, while the intent of your post was great, I think some posters are reacting to your words as the execution feels like it proves exactly what the original poster was worried about.
I understand you were trying to point out that everyone has different preferences, but what actually comes across is the extent to which men scrutinise women’s bodies. We are always told that our imperfections are mostly in our minds, yet your post (and many women’s real life experiences) prove that many men really are very critical of women’s bodies and often believe we don’t come up to scratch/meet their ideals. I mean you mention a woman who has kept her body in great shape, yet the look of her toes - something which she has zero control over - is enough for you to veto her sexually. It makes us feel that no matter what we do, it will never be good enough. Yet many of these same men get annoyed when the women they meet have insecurities and don’t want to have sex with the lights on etc.
And before you say it, I know men are under pressure looks-wise too. Arguably not to the same extent but I’ll leave that debate for another day. But essentially what you are seeing here is the reaction from women who are tired of being put under the microscope and being found wanting.
OP - I’m sorry for hijacking your post but I felt like this needed to be pointed out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2018):
Code Warrior, there's much I could say about your post but I will just pick up on this:
The problem is, the hypothesis isn't falsifiable because almost all associated "facts" are interpreted based on one's belief/disbelief in the hypothesis. Even in your post you referred to past centuries of patriarchal societies, as if to imply that the people of today are somehow accountable for the way things were centuries or even decades ago. They are not.
a. People can be accountable for what they choose to be accountable for - it's up to them (ie. not you).
b. Patriarchy means different things to different people, including men dominated by other men (or women).
c. Empirical knowledge - lived experience - is increasingly being recognised in today's Western universities as the primary, valid form of knowledge for understanding more about how patriarchy works.
d. For some, patriarchy is definable by the need to dominate or to 'be right'. You give the impression of strongly inclining to the latter, though I appreciate it may be due to defensiveness
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 August 2018):
 This is a case of it's not you, it's him.
You two spend 10 years together and NOW is the time he decides to tell you that he isn't/wasn't attracted to you? Sounds to me like he just wanted a jab in before you stopped taking to him. I agree with Aunt honesty, I think he was trying to make HIMSELF feel better by putting you down. Which says a LOT more about him than you.
If there are things about you that you don't like, WELCOME to the club. EVERYONE (men and women) have things they don't like about their bodies... nothing new there. That is not something to beat yourself up over. Now if you want to work out to change those things (if possible) then DO IT for you. Not for some twat.
And my guess, OP is that you now EX-Bf wasn't some perfectly shaped male being either. My guess is he wasn't a 10. So really... why care what he thinks? Even if he WAS a 10.. so what?
I don't think YOU have change yourself drastically to PLEASE men in general. You loving yourself (even the wobbly bits/ the "less lovely bits") ought to be a bit of a turn on really. Confidence in yourself. And with that... Fake it until you make it. Focus on the GREAT bits when you dress yourself. And be confident that YOU are worthy of love, care and respect regardless of a "saggy ass" or whatever!
It is by FAR better for you to NOT date a man who thinks you should look like a porn star or someone half your age and who can't APPROPRIATE what is right in front of him... HIS loss. OP.
Like I say focus on the good bits. Any man who doesn't want those and you - is just not a good fit for you. Just don't give them 10 years of your life, OK?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2018): OP here, thank you all for your replies, some points have made me smile.I know it would be wonderful if it didn't matter what my body looked like and I wish I didn't care what they thought but unfortunately I do.With regard to porn, I honestly didn't mind if he watched it as long as he still wanted to have sex with me, but it was demoralising realising that's all he wanted and he didn't really want me.I think the passion disappeared a while ago, it would have been nice if he tried to ignite that again but he never did.I take all of your excellent points on board, and to code warrior it gives me hope that if I have some kind of eye candy in some kind of shape or form it may distract guys from the naff bits lol.I don't really want to jump in to bed with somebody for a while, I'm just preparing myself for the future!I think I need to seek out a loving relationship because when you have that you in some way become blind to the flaws.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2018): I'm a feminist with a PhD. My thesis is about the politics of looking. I was actually just about to write in to at least partially defend Code Warrior's statements - then logged on and saw his new post about the 'Bogeyman' that is patriarchy - and promptly changed my mind.Code Warrior - I appreciate the honesty of your first post and I think you are right to defend yourself in the sense that you were being upfront that people really do look - and assess - one another far more than they admit. In your case, I think you were trying to say there's something attractive about almost everyone, but some people make a conscious decision not to play into the sphere of looking that is to do with sexual attraction and opt completely out of it instead. Of course, people find all sorts of different things attractive.However, I get the feeling you are saying this from the perspective of being a pretty harmless guy overall. The problem is when similar views are upheld by men who are really not like you at all, and who get a kick out of degrading women. I simply don't understand why you suggest that patriarchy doesn't exist - though I do understand you may have said this because you felt attacked and got defensive. I man, surely you can't honestly believe that women have equality with men? And that's not to say that women cannot ALSO be patriarchal and sexist - of course they can be and are - and your link to the earlier post is one example. But, overall, worldwide, for centuries, patriarchy does exist. I really hope you don't fall into the trap of acting like a patriarch. I don't think you really are that kind of guy - but I'm finding it hard to leap to defend you as I initially wanted to.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 August 2018):
 Almost every woman has stretch marks.Very few women are an "ideal" weight every day of their adult lives - it usually fluctuates.Boobs are never perfect - even when surgically altered. No boobs are symmetrical and most areolas are bigger or smaller than women would prefer.Your ex was a jerk who wanted to hurt you and make you feel insecure. HE is the problem, not you or your body.Your body is for yourself, not for men. Once you come to terms with that and accept that your ex was jut trying to be nasty, you'll live your life much happier.- Hobby- Read- Find an exercise you enjoy, not to lose weight- Music- Learn something (basic) new monthly, like recipes/facts- Volunteer at a charity- Try speed dating for fun- Get a new outfit or haircut (for yourself)You are old enough to have an amazing relationship with all of your body. Also, look online at vagina websites to see that nobody's vagina is particularly pretty or ugly; they are all different and normal.He is the one with the issues, not you, so don't allow him to make you vain or insecure.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2018): The critique here of women's bodies by one 'uncle ' is exactly the type of problem porn causes and why women feel like we live in a fishboel of constant scrutiny where our bodies are disected by men . Why don't they realise how demeaning it is to be objectified like that and that this is exactly what your ex was doing The bottom line is ' who cares what your ex likes , who cares what any man likes for that matter . Society and men like to train women that they are worth nothing more than the value men put on them as 'eye candy ' and if they don't meet the grade they are worthless . Now it's up to you to overcome these ridiculous patriachal and mysogynistic attitudes and base your worth on you whole self the person you are , not how some man says you look . Don't settle for some man who pulls apart your body parts and decided whether they are worthy of being called eye candy . That Is NOT a complement !
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2018): I want you to consider the fact that you held-on to a relationship (which must have included sex) for longer than many marriages last these days! A whole decade!
The relationship just ran it's course. You are taking all the blame; because he said some mean things. Why? Because you kicked him to the curb for perving on porn!!! He's embarrassed and deeply humiliated! He knows everyone is going to find-out why you kicked him out. He had to leave a deep-wound behind to punish you! Make you feel you're the reason, not porn!
He said things to hurt you; because he was pissed for being rejected and thrown-out! You could be a super-model; but if a guy likes porn, he likes porn. He can't even touch the women in the video, he will never meet them, and porn is for visual-entertainment. He's a pathetic wanker!!! Now a sad and lonely perv. Lets see if porn will keep him warm and cozy, clean his house, and cook his meals! Mean bastard!
First of all, your relationship with that guy was too long! He held onto you; because he had unconditional-love, sex when he wanted it, home-cooked meals, a warm tidy place to sleep, tender-loving care, and companionship to keep-away his loneliness. If you ask me, he had itty-bitty balls! He wasn't man enough to marry the woman he knows could put-up with him for all that time! Well, it wore-off! He hit his well-overdue expiration-date! Toodles!!!
He watches porn, and it took-over his weak little brain. Now you're blaming your body. Now you've dipped several rungs lower than he has! Bad enough he hurt your feelings; so now you're going at yourself?!! Now that makes a world of sense!
It's hard to drive this into the head of a person; if they depend entirely on others to sustain their self-esteem. I will make the attempt anyway.
Men are emotionally and physically-attracted to the women they truly love. He sees things he loves in you, and can't live without it. It's hard to dwell on imperfections; when looking through the eyes of real-love. When you hold the highest-regard and esteem for the one special-person you've fallen in-love with. The mind and heart adjusts to the changes of time; and overlooks superficial-blemishes.
It's a weakness in superficial-people, those lacking in sincerity; who don't have the capacity to maintain their affections in spite of natural-changes caused by shifts in weight, childbirth, injury, and age. It's happening to him as well as you! The clock moves forward on everyone. There are no exceptions!
Supermodels go to plastic surgeons and coverup their flaws. Photo-shopping hides and perfects their images. You only see the finished-product. They've got ripples and stretch-marks too! They carve-off chunks, inject botox/fillers, starve, use drugs, and fill-up cracks; but they still get old! Botched surgeries do happen! BTW, those surgeries do leave surgical-scars and keloids! They have to cover them with clothing and make-up. Just because they don't show doesn't mean they're not there! They pick camera-angles or lighting to hide what they don't want us to see! In the 90's, I did some modeling; and I saw everything!
I mean, are you totally oblivious to old couples you know in your own family; and those you see in public? How the hell do you think they've stayed together all this time? While their bodies wrinkled and gravity took-over? Women need to just cut that sh*t out! Pardon my frankness; but you need this!
Breaking-up does a nasty number on us. I'm the first to tell you!
You're mature enough to know that sometimes our bodies change with time; or we have flaws and imperfections we cannot change. Some can't afford to correct physical-flaws by surgery. Stretch-marks can often fade with the use of creams and cocoa butter. They are sometimes caused by wearing clothes that are too tight, weight-loss, and childbirth. You are still pretty young; so you still have considerable elasticity in your skin. See a dermatologist.
I don't know where you got that nonsense about your areolas. No amount of pep-talks, comforting, or anything short of therapy; can help people who are determined to rip themselves apart. Self-loathing is inward. Nice words can't help that. You'll make up your own mind when you've had enough self-pity. When you'll decide he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. He wanked all his mushy little brains out! Now he's some other woman's problem; until she finds his porn, and kicks him out!
It makes no damned sense. You are distraught over a perverted-wanker; to put it quite bluntly. A guy who stole 10 years, decided wanking is better than sex; and here you are feeling at fault, because he's a certified assh*le!
You don't know what a man will feel about you until you meet that particular man. You can't read minds; so you have to offer yourself to him for whom you are. He can take it, or leave it! Like there aren't some traits you see that men have that don't turn you off! Lets get real! Shall we?
You'll have to be grown-up enough to deal with it. Okay, women have this thing about what men say. Then it comes from some pot-bellied balding slob, with a tiny willy. Sex lasts five minutes tops! If he's good-looking, why would he take on someone he wasn't attracted to in the first place? If you'd use logic instead of only your feelings, when it is appropriate; you'd get past a lot of nonsense. Instead, you go full-throttle emotion; and your brain just sits in your head asleep. There for no reason; but for involuntary functions to keep you alive! Think woman! A whole decade?!!
Ashamed about what men "might" think of your body? How about crossing that bridge when you get there? Eat right, drink plenty of water, see a dermatologist to see if there is a cream that can minimize the stretch-marks, wear properly-fitting clothing, get some exercise, and grow/rebuild/maintain your own self-esteem! How can one man decide what all men see in you? He also gave ten years of his life for you! Any way you look at it. He ended it stupidly! Truth be told, he probably had lots of terrible flaws you foolishly overlooked. Porn was the last straw!
Must be something about you that's good to hold-on to! Porn-addiction isn't his only problem. He's a man-child. He was using you to take care of him; while he nurtured his porn-addiction. Even if he took care of you, think of what spewed from his nasty mouth. That means his time was up, and you need to move on. List his other faults, on top of porn!
Porn is here to stay. You may as well survive all the same.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2018): This question is really heartbreaking.Your ex has conditioned you into thinking attraction is only on a physical level and he has reinforced it by preferring porn to real life.In so doing he has completely ignored the spiritual side of human nature. He has exploited you into thinking you can carve your body into attractive and unattractive bits.I suppose he mentioned your lady bits?Dont you know all lady bits are ok?Do you really think a man has the right to judge you or value you on your lady bits?You need a heartical connection to make lasting relationships.You need to value each other in a body, mind, spiritual way.You need to get to know a nicer male.The one you had clearly projected his inadequacy on to you and now you judge yourself by his criteria.That is rather soul destroying and the quicker you throw his logic to the wind the happier you will be.Did you never get annoyed with him for beating his meat by hand when he had a real woman at his side?Or did you just absorb his criticism and validate it by analysing your body parts in a degrading way.You need a real companion. Someone you can trust to love you for who you are, not some shallow shadow of a man. If your partner relies on porn I think you might as well show him the door as soon as possible.Because otherwise you are just cheap board and lodgings to a man.But then again maybe the passsion died (as it can do) and you loved him for who he was. But he didnt return the favour.I hope your next man is a really good soulful connection who makes you feel wonderful about yourself and your life.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 August 2018):
 You lasted ten years with someone who put you down? Or was it he just said these things out of spite when you broke up? I am not a guy but I would like to offer my opinion anyway.
Okay so you are happy with your lower half which is great, I find the number one attractive quality in a woman is confidence in how she looks!
Okay stretch marks? You do realize most women get these? I have them on my stomach and the side of my boobs, you shouldn't let them get you down, as it really is a common thing and doesn't mean you are different or ugly. Again with your areolas, they might be bigger than you would like them to be but we all look different there, and think off it another way imagine having breast cancer and not having any? It could always be worse! Your ex had no right being harsh to you, and that says more about him as a person than it does you. I suppose he was perfect? He probably put you down to make himself feel better!
In the grand scheme off things 10lbs in not a huge amount and you are certainly not over weight so you should try and embrace what you have. A lot off men prefer curvy ladies.
Please don't get surgery even if you could afford it, stretch marks will come back and your boobs are what god gave you, don't allow one man to bring you down!
As for a woman's body being a mess, one mans ex is another mans dream! It does not sound like your body is in a mess at all! I think your confidence just took a hit from your ex! Honestly he was just shallow, there are far more important qualities to a person than their body and what they look like! Different guys will be attracted to different body shapes hence why we are all so different. If a guy wasn't attracted to you I doubt he would enter in to a relationship with you. Sweetie we all have things with our bodies that we hate. I hate the stretch marks and belly that I have but nobody is perfect. Everyone has imperfections, and the things you dislike most about yourself could be your partners favourite parts! Be with a man who raises your confidence and makes you feel beautiful! I promise there is someone out there who will look at you and think you are perfect!
Your ex doesn't sound like a great man and he has dented away at your confidence. You deserve better and it is a shame you wasted 10 years with someone so cold and cruel. He obviously had confidence issues when he felt the need to bring you down.
There is plenty you can do to turn a man on, no mans body is perfect, same goes for women, so embrance what you have and remember you could have no leg, no arm, no boobs to be thankful for so embrace your body!
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