A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years we have a two year old daughter and we live together. I caught him watching porn the other night while i was supposed to be napping. I approached him and he lied to my face when i could see it on the screen. It upset me because I felt betrayed because we have both talked about it before that i don't like it i find it very disgusting and yet he still was watching it. I know acouple months ago his mother had to get her computer cleaned and she mentioned that it had contained a virus from a porn site and she blamed it on my boyfriend. i asked him about it and he said no it was pobably his step dad and i brushed it off because i trusted him and i knew he knew how i felt about it. Well ever since I had my daughter my body is not the same as it used to be. When we met i was really skinny and was proportioned perfectly. i knew i was attractive but after the birth i gained a little weight i have stretch marks everywhere and i know im not as attractive. When i caught him watching porn it really upset me because i felt that he was doing it because i wasnt satisfying him in my looks or sexual relations with him. I tried to get him to bring it back up and he wouldn't he said he just went to it that it didnt mean anything and then i searched more on the computer and found that he was actually looking up names to porn stars specifically and that to me seems like he has seen it before and knows who he likes watching and it upsets me because when i seen the woman he searched for her body looked just like mine before my child and that hurt me more because i know i dnt look like that and that is what he obviously wants. I have no clue what to do please help me figure this out!
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female
reader, Porn_Divorcee +, writes (2 February 2012):
 First, stop blaming yourself for your boyfriend's watching porn. It's not your fault. The Internet makes it so easily to get addicted to porn because it's both easily accessible an anonymous that many men don't realize they're addicted. Perhaps that's what's happened to your boyfriend, perhaps not, but you do have to confront him about this and tell him that what he's doing is hurting you. Then you should put it bluntly by asking him when she loves more; you or porn.Hopefully he'll say he loves you more and tell him that if he does, he will stop looking at porn so much. I sort of know what you're going through as my ex-husband was addicted to porn for years without me knowing and all I can tell you is that I eventually found that not only was he visiting porn sites on a daily basis, many of the sites were sex-related chat rooms which, call me crazy, but I consider these sites to be one half step away from cheating on me!FYI, I was able to find out what type of sites she was visiting not by looking at his computer's browsing history (which he used to delete) but by paying $20 for service (http://findhisporn.com) scanned this hard drive and printed out a list of all the sites he went to including, I'm sorry to say, sex chat rooms.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): As he knew how strongly you felt about pornography. Then in fairness to you, he should have told you up front that he enjoyed watching it and asked if it was going to be a deal breaker. Then you could have made an informed choice as to whether or not he was someone you wanted to be around.
Not all men enjoy watching porn. To say they all do is doing some men a gross disservice. So you dont HAVE to put up with a partner who watches pornography if you dont want to. There are men out there that think as you do.
Your partner had his choices, you didnt! He chose to agree with you on a certain subject, do it anyway, lie about it and hurt your feelings. It is a deceitful type of behaviour which is bound to cause problems.
It isnt the fact that you have a few stretch marks or he likes watching naked women having sex or whatever. The problem is you both have incompatible values. He agrees things with you when he doesnt really mean it. Does things behind your back that he knows will hurt you. And lies to you. Those issues need to be addressed if he is ever going to have a happy, open and honest relationship with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): What I find alarming is that the value of true intimacy is being highly undervalued when compared to a mans lust and getting off. One should be elevated above the other on morality alone.When two couples come together, it must be the relationship and the WE of the relationship that be upheld and honoured by BOTH parties. This is what sustains the love, friendship, trust of such an interpersonal relationship.Whether you be Man or Woman. As soon as you enter into a relationship with another, you are to put aside SELFISH pursuits that attack, erode, destroy the relationship. The Relationship must come first in order to survive, endure.It is true love that also incorporates sacrifices as minor as lust to become and grow and mature into a lasting, bonding friendship that is based in love and that no other man, woman, or outside influences can destroy.When it comes to viewing porn, it is a ME- selfish act on the mans part. Selfishness often is the root cause of any breakdown to even the solid of relationships when it attacks at the trust. And who more importantly gets to tell their partner that they are being hurt and betrayed by the very one they love, than a woman who gets to decide how she should be loved, honoured, adored, cherished by the man she loves?Does the world really matter so much to each Relationship/Marriage of a Man and Woman that they can intrude on such a loving, sanctified union and with their drowning voice based in looser morals and selfishness really get to condemn the woman for feeling as she does?Sheer numbers alone that 80-90% of men do it sufficient enough reason to say to a child and a Partner- Porn took precedence to your Father, My Love and Friend, and his lust was put before our Family and Relationship.7,000 years of Mans history reveals what happens when lust, greed, baser desires take precedence over love, relationships, family, and good old fashioned standards.How many nations have crumbled away when orgies, drinking, lusting, and sacrificing of children, babies became the norm as standards plummeted?We can laugh and say that we are better, elevated than those socities but I say no, we are headed the same direction.Intimacy serves to build up and maintain the confidence and friendship between a Man and Woman, so is it broken down and destroyed when again a man puts his lust before the relationship and knowingly knows that his selfish actions hurts and betrays the one he loves.What I find folly is that countless are quick to jump up and say that emotional cheating is indeed cheating- even if it is only one sided- it is still cheating. Going to another for support, friendship, sensuality, sexting, touching is only designed as cheating? Or can cheating be defined as when one can expend his/her emotion, time, energy, and intent not only onto another but relies on another SOURCE to create and arouse their lust?In the end Poster. It is evident that all you can do is ask and hope that your BF seeks to understand and validates your side and wants to put you first and be what you want and need in a Man. I am one of the last few that says Porn distorts, destroys, and can indeed mislead and rob a Family of a loved one.I am one of the last of a few that says that you and BF have different standards and values as to what fidelity means and that it is this difference of opinion alone that is causing the eroding away of your relationship.It is made evident that your BF does in fact put porn before you. It is this reason you are upset hurt and feel as you do.It is indeed a sad revelation but, he is unwilling to change or give up his porn habit. If his lust can come first, when does it go from porn is not enough to sate his lust and he seeks it elsewhere? Of course this is a fair thought process being the man cannot even excercise enough self control and self restraint to give up a habit of lust to focus on the love of a relationship?It is time to seek healing via counselling and move on. You need to remember to seek after a Man that will put you before his lust for lasting happiness to occur.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (23 January 2012):
 Is your boyfriend a child? Is he put on earth to follow your commands? You say you told him how you felt and you told him to follow your orders? But how does he feel, does he agree with you, does he have his own feelings, his own wishes and his own desires and needs or must he just do exactly as he is told? Is this a man or a mouse you have at home?
Let's turn it around... one day he comes home and orders you never to watch television again. He tells you he hates television because it has other men on it and them men have more money than him. One day he finds that you have watched television behind his back and he is upset and angry because you watching rich men makes him feel inferior. It's a loving relationship, so if he hates something you must give it up, because you love him so much, only what he thinks and likes is important? Love means giving up anything that gives you pleasure and living in unhappiness so your partner can smile again.
Porn is watched by the majority of men in America...some statistics quote up to 80%. Porn is watched by men who go to church, porn is watched by preachers in church. Porn is watched by men in prison, porn is watched by men who claim to hate porn, porn is probably watched by your president. But your man is different, because he should do as he is told and be one of the few men who aren't interested in porn because his woman told him he doesn't like it.
What can you do... leave him, there are 20% of men out there who will think exactly like you, they hate porn as much as you do.
Keep on nagging and crying... fine... then he will continue to lie to you. Or he might give up, resent you and talk about the jail warden at home.. that's why men talk about marriage being a "ball and chain". Relationships to them can seem to be about hard work and giving up things that give you pleasure.
He could be truthful... lady, I like porn and so do most men and I will look at it (maybe only once a year, maybe twice a day) but I will look at it till the day I die.
Or maybe he'll give up porn... the girls on MTV are sexy and don't wear much clothes, or maybe he'll start having a fascination for art house movies.. films like "Baise-moi" or the "Pornographer" are as close to pornography as it comes. One guy whose wife banned porn, found fascination with music videos with sexy girls on it. As far as I know, he's doing nothing illegal.. He is committing no crime, as pornography is legal in your country. He likes a LEGAL activity, you hate it... well I hate football (soccer to you and a very addictive sport in Europe) and won't date any man who likes it, but I don't get upset and tell the guy he can't watch football if I find out, I dump him and go look for a guy who likes boxing instead.
You can't FORCE a man to give up porn. You can tell him how you feel about it, and MAYBE, just MAYBE, he might give up... you can nag, cry, argue and threaten to leave him.. and maybe he'll get better at lying, or maybe he'll just go to his buddies house and hang out with the guys and watch porn to his heart content with no woman telling him what to do.
Or maybe you can accept that most men like pornography... it's nothing to do with love, it's nothing to do with your attractiveness.. but there are ways to compromise, from asking him only to watch porn with you, to making your own porn for him to use, or asking him hide his porn usage more carefully, you can also be his sex toy, available to use, with no expectation of pleasure 24hours a day for the rest of your life (that's what the porn girls provide)... otherwise dump him, and spend a long, long, long time finding that 20% of men who don't like to see naked women or other people having sex.
PS: He is not looking at porn because he doesn't love you, he's not looking at porn because your ugly, we've had beautiful attractive models who cry because their men look at porn.. porn has nothing to do with attractive women, it's to do with watching people having sex.
You told him what you think, you've told him what to do... none of this has worked... isn't it time you took the time to find out what he feels and what he thinks about the subject. In a relationship, isn't everyone entitled to a point of view. Nope, you can't FORCE many men from watching porn, but with a sympathetic and understanding attitude you can get them to cut down, give up because they want to, or at least be so discrete that you never find out.
Anyway.. your life.. but since so many men watch porn, this is a battle you can't win with the weapons you are using.
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A
male
reader, gregorsamsa +, writes (23 January 2012):
 As the person below said, this almost certainly has nothing to do with you having had a baby, the appearance of your body, or anything else on your end.I understand that there's a huge disconnect between men's attitude toward watching porn and women's interpretation of why they do it -- but try to understand that it's not a comment on you or your sexual appeal -- it's just how he's wired. Porn is a major, major temptation for most guys regardless of their partner's attractiveness.For example, I'm not saying this is good, but my gf of 4 years is gorgeous and sexier than the day we met, and I still look at porn on the sly and enjoy it tremendously. Say what you will, but as I've told a few women: if you want to know if your husband/bf looks at porn ask yourself the following question: "Does he have access to alone time with a computer?" If they answer is yes then he does look at porn. If the answer is no...he probably looks at porn some other way.Sorry for the bluntness...I'm just trying to illustrate that it has nothing to do with your appearance so you shouldn't feel bad. You're up against much larger forces than a few stretch marks.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 January 2012):
 First off this has nothing to do with you having a child. He has probably been watching it all his life, it's a habit. He doesn't watch it out of dissatisfaction with your looks or sex life, it's a habit that's very difficult to break.
I highly recommend you two read through the book The Porn Trap together. It helps you understand it really does have NOTHING to do with you and helps him understand how devastating it is to you and the impact it can have on the relationship when one person uses it in secret.
I also recommend these blog posts that you can read through and could be helpful to show to your boyfriend:
http://artofmanliness.com/2009/05/11/the-problem-with-porn/
http://www.theartofloveandintimacy.com/2008/02/does-pornography-help-or-hurt.html
And then this series is a good one:
http://rageagainstthemanchine.com/2008/04/12/why-porn-isnt-cool-part-1/
Good luck, if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
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