A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have two friends who are married. My long-term (over 4 years) boyfriend and I met them about 2 years ago and we quickly became good friends with them. We would vacation with them, hang out in our spare time at our house or theirs, and so on. Well around new years this year, the husband, lets call him K, told my boyfriend something that has since greatly changed things. Him and his wife had apparently decided to have an open relationship. K asked my boyfriend if we were interested in partaking in such things and of course he said no. K also asked my boyfriend not to tell me about any of it. At first I was blissfully unaware but when K didnt stop bringing it up, my boyfriend did tell me.Normally this wouldnt concern me because it is their business and not ours. However, now whenever K is around, all he does is talk about who he is trying to fuck next and trying to convince my boyfriend that he should tell me he wants to see other women and live free. He will just whisk my boyfriend to the other room or whatever to talk about this. He is also trying to get the girls in our mutual circle of friends in his bed too. And since K and his wife are not doing so well anymore, now I am suddenly no longer invited places with them because she isnt around very much, when it used to be a group thing and never boys only time. Its become this big awkward mess whenever we see them.K's wife and I used to be very close but since this all has happened, we never see each other. She is clearly upset and I cant say anything to her because Im not supposed to know. Its a really crappy situation to be in.This drama is affecting my relationship. My boyfriend assures me he is fine with just me but each time he talks to K, it has gone from, "no way would I want to do that" to now being "I wish we could do that too". I think we are pretty happy but Im afraid this will start causing issues. I dont want to lose friends either. Most of all though, I really dont feel comfortable around K anymore at all. I dont know what to do! I trust my boyfriend and he is kind enough to share this with me but it still really bothers me. I really want to just tell K to keep his personal business to himself and stop trying to change my relationship but then I would betray my boyfriend because, again, im not supposed to know. My boyfriend just says to let it be and its not our life so stay out of it. Id be fine with that if it wasnt bleeding over into our life and our entire circle of friends!How do I deal with this? Do I just have to ride it out and watch my used-to-be best friends life get torn apart and have it potentially plant a bad seed in my relationship or do I say something to someone?Thanks!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): I'm an older fellow; have been around a bit, and have had friends and relatives who've been around quite a bit more.Frankly, I can't see how this relationship is going to work for you. This fooling around, wife swapping, girl and boyfriend swapping is simply an indicator that "commitment" is not being considered an important part of the equation.My experience has been that a loving committed relationship yields much better sex than any "one nighter" ever could; apparently your boyfriend is not aware of this.I know it hurts terribly, but it amazes me looking back on my life how many people I have truly "loved". You sound young. This will pass. You will find better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): Your bf is a grown man and if hes influenced its because he wants to be. No one can force him to sleep with other women if he doesnt want to. His friend is a trouble maker and no friend to you. Your bf is even protecting him by saying he doesnt want you to say anything because its his business, tommy rot. They sound as bad as each other.If your relationship ends or someone gets pregnant, worse still you catch an infection or disease, then trust me. It IS your business. Maybe its time to have a frank discussion with your bf and spell out what his continued friendship with this person is doing to you both. He needs to drop this person from his life because hes toxic.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 April 2011):
 Tell your BF clearly that you've had enough of K, and although his personal life is of no interest to you, that fact that he is slowly pervading into your personal life, is. You say your boyfriend has gone from "no way would I want to do that" to "I wish we could do that too".
Now that's bad. I think you should have an honest talk with your BF, tell him how much this entire situation disgusts you, and how he himself has allowed himself to change under K's influence. You do not want an open relationship. Your BF had better understand this and there should be no more "wishes". Some things in life are non-negotiable. This is one of them.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 April 2011):
 You said you're not supposed to know. You are supposed to know. You are in a relationship with your boyfriend, his loyalty lies with YOU. K should know that. Don't be scared to talk about it then, or don't try to pretend you do not know. Talk to your boyfriend first, and agree with him that you and him come first, and you have the loyalty to one another. Whatever is told to you he gets to know about, whatever he knows one should naturally assume you will know about. Especially when it is something regarding your and your relationship!
That was my first point.
Second point is that K is a douchebag and a horrible friend. The only reason he tries to get your boyfriend to do the same as him is that he is so unsure about his own choices, and having someone else doing the same will make him feel better. I bet you he adds on a lot of glamour to an otherwise crappy situation. His relationship is going bonkers, and I doubt he gets a lot of interesting and good sex out of it. If he truly was happy sleeping around etc, he could just as well be single. By the sounds of it this is something that has wrecked his marriage, and he is too ashamed to admit is, so shows off some painted picture to your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend should "do the same"? Do what? Sleep around without your consent? That's cheating. So do what really? Get you to agree even though you don't want to? Uhm.. lets face the facts here, your boyfriend can't "do the same" without YOU agreeing to doing the same also. What K is suggesting is that the two of you BOTH do this. But he is doing it without talking to you about it.. sounds very odd. And sounds like complete crap. What you do with your relationship is none of his business.
Talk to your boyfriend. Lay it out for him point by point and inform him that either he is in a relationship or he isn't. You're not into open relationships, end of. And if K keeps pushing him into it, K is in effect pushing your boyfriend into being SINGLE. Because you will not partake. So these conversations will stop.
Tell K to keep his personal business to himself as well. Why not. You do know about it, K should have known you would know about it too. I mean come on, if he wants your boyfriend to have an open relationship the only way that could happen is if YOU KNEW ABOUT IT. Otherwise it's just cheating. K can't be that thickheaded. But talk to your boyfriend first. Communication between you and your boyfriend is first priority!
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (14 April 2011):
 It sounds as though your bf isn't buying into what K is saying, so at least you can breathe a sigh of relief there. Open relationships, in my opinion, ruin a relationship because it just becomes a mess about trust issue and suddenly he or she finds someone else that he or she feels is better than his/her partner. Your explanation of your ex-close girl friend said it all: "K's wife and I used to be very close but since this all has happened, we never see each other. She is clearly upset and I cant say anything to her because Im not supposed to know. Its a really crappy situation to be in."
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