A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am hoping that you may be able to help me find the way on this problem...I don't especially like my boyfriend's family. It is very strange as he is entirely different to them. To describe them will sound critical I am afraid but they are loud, selfish (they never ask how he is or me) self absorbed, lazy, untidy. My boyfriend is kind, sensitive, a deep thinker, very clean and tidy to an OCD level! His family aren't very intelligent (unlike him) and my other half is very non-confrontational. He adores his family and feels very close to them (which is admittedly hard to understand!).Every time we have been with them, which is numerous, I have become unwell because of the stress and because I am too sensitive. I have tried talking with them, listening but I have been bullied by them even and the last time, there was a 'debate' and they ganged up on me. My other half fully agreed with my viewpoint but hardy expressed it, leaving me feeling let down and upset. When we are there, he wants to go out all the time, fit everything in and I do all I can to keep up. He has even allowed me to pay for petrol when he is earning and I am not, and it is a long way from home. I suffer from anxiety unfortunately that I manage on a day to day basis. He becomes selfish when we are there and then when we return, he is back to his normal, lovely self. I don't even sleep properly while there because he snores and I end up on the sofa and his Dad gets up very early. My other half has slept on the sofa once or twice there.I don't want to go back, I even lose weight when we go but next month, there is a family celebration that he feels obligated to attend. The thing is, this celebration could fall on a job interview for me, one that could improve and change my life forever.I have told myself I need to think more of myself and do more for me. I think you are likely to say, well, let him go alone then, but I feel it shouldn't be this way. He doesn't want to go without me.We hardly see my own family which makes me sad, mostly because they don't wish to. I am trying to do all I can to make that right.How can I cope with his family, especially when they are this way, and how can I deal with a boyfriend that occasionally needs to grow a pair?! He is so accepting of everyone and non-confrontational, its ureal! Thank you.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 July 2014):
 I have to agree with Cerberus and Cindy here as well, AND with Arabella.
Put yourself first for a few here.
YOU CAN love another and not be a total doormat for their family. Suffering ABUSE from his family doesn't mean you LOVE him more. It just means you are sucking up stuff you don't have to, in the NAME of love.
WHY on Earth would you NOT sit out ONE family event so you can GET a job that can change your life forever? That is CRAZY! Specially the way his family treats you. You think ANYONE will thank you for skipping that interview so your partner doesn't HAVE to go alone to a family function?
Honestly, I would be frank with him. And I would NOt go with him when he visits family. All it will do is make YOU resent him.
Standing up for you will do what? Get him abused too? So you two can SHARE being abused by his family?
I'd rather not be around that family.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2014):
 OP, I read all your post, and I read Abella's response, and , with all due respect, I strongly disagree with it.( Abella is an intelligent person and I do not think she will be shocked or vexed if someone see things from a very different perspective ).
If you think Abella's view is correct, by all means follow her advice ,OP.
As for me, I think your update just PROVES my point :
.. he does not want to go without me... he wants me to go... he wants me to be included...
Fine , ... and what do YOU want, really ?
WHY what your bf wants should necessarily come before what's in your best interest ? ....Why exactly pleasing him and/or his parents more important than taking advantage of an occasion that could change and improve all your future ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014): Hi CindyCares
As the OP please refer to my answer below. I do have balls most certainly! But read all of it because my other half wants me to go, wants me to be included and to be honest, perhaps you should read Abella's response.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (1 July 2014):
Sorry but I have to agree with Cerberus completely.
If there's someone who needs to grow a pair, that would be you , OP, you are an adult over 30 and you are your bf's gf, not his daughter or his ward. You should be able to hold your own in a debate even if your opinion is impopular, regardless of what bf thinks or says- or, if they are really so unpleasant and confrontational, you should be able to a ) agree to disagree and change subject and b) not take it so personally when people do not share your ideas.
You CAN do things for yourself, Op, and act in your own best interest. If you don't want to pay for gas, don't pay for gas. Tell your bf " your turn " or " I can't afford paying for gas ". Tell him " Sorry dear , when we are at yours you will have to sleep on the sofa ( or, we'll have to take turns ) because your dad wakes me up too early".
I realize that these simple steps may feel awkward or challenging for you due to your problems of anxiety, and , while you fix that, you have an even easier, simpler solution : just don't go !
As a matter of fact, Op, your quandary is... not even a quandary, if you let common sense dictate your conduct.
What, you have an important job interview coming up , for something that could change and shape your whole future... and you'd skip it to go to your Bf's family's celebration ! OP ! Really ? ... It's important to be polite, it's important to please your partner ( when possible ) but surely not at the cost of needless sacrifice of most cherished personal goals . Loving somebody does not mean not being able to love yourself and putting everybody and his sister's before your own wellbeing and fulfillment. There are priorities in life, and if we can't do it all and have it all, we need to prioritize wisely. Crucial job interview ( that can't happen without you ) trupms family celebration ( that CAN happen without you ) any time. Hands down. If then your Bf CHOOSES to not go without you, that's on him, not on you. You are not preventing him to go, you are telling him in fact to go and enjoy his celebration - if he prefers not to do that, it means that on HIS scale of priorities, this celebration must not be that important either, if he 'd rather skip it than going alone.
Unluckily , Op, since as you admit yourself, you are TOO ( above average ) sensitive, as much as your Bf loves you, that's still your problem, which still has to be fixed by you, not by him. Either you manage somehow to desensitize yourself a bit, keeping in mind that this how they are by nature, it's not that they are doing it on purpose to rub you the wrong way... or , if , with all your good will, these visits STILL stay such an ordeal that they end up with making you sick- simple, then just don't go. Even an anxious person must be able to take her own health seriously.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 July 2014):
 What you think as bullying could be normal conversation to them. Maybe if you get to know each one of them separately you would see different personalities but when they are together they act the same way to fit in. You certainly don't want to fit in because you aren't them. When people disagree with you, you can choose to do so and say, "nah I don't agree with you people" with a smile. It doesn't mean they were ganging up and abusing you. The conversation can still be fun and light even if there are different view points. Maybe you don't feel fair paying for petrol because you don't enjoy your stay there. Your husband might feel that since you are staying with the family and getting lodging and food, then it's fair for you to pay petrol. I am not sure how much money he has but is it possible that you both stay in a hotel instead of being cramped there for the whole time? You can just spend an hour or two with them and then think of something else to do in town. I agree that you should go on your interview instead of feeling like an outsider in the family next time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014): As the OP, thank you Abella. I can see what you are saying and I agree that because he has always been quiet, they just don't have sufficient respect for him sometimes. He has said he is ashamed of his family many times, but he never says anything which of course causes problems.
Cerberus, I think you may have the wrong end of the stick! My other half wants me with him to be with his family, he doesn't want to go without me! It is very much a big deal for him if I don't see his family. He wants me to be included, very much so. And as for not standing up for myself, oh yes I did! I was very clear, tactful and expressive. One of the family members actually flounced out...not me! I can certainly handle a debate and can stand up for what I believe in very well. What upset me was his quietness because this was a subject that he also had the same very strong views of, the same as mine, Cerberus, the same! He said everything after they had gone and it was the same as what I'd said...so I am not expecting him to do something I wouldn't do, for I would ALWAYS stand up for what I believe in. And I am afraid that for my boyfriend, I do have to have them in my life to be with him. And the being bullied was two separate incidents which were witnessed by friends of the family who tried to offer support and comfort. So thanks for your long answer, but I am nothing like your ex!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014): OP I think you're being unfair on him.
You're not obligated to attend anything related to his family if it only makes you miserable and as you said yourself part of the problem here is that you're too sensitive.
You're asking him to stand up to them for you because you won't but you also understand why he too just hasn't got it in him.
Just stay away from them, you don't need them in your life to have a relationship with him.
Either that or stand up to them.
I had an ex very similar to you, couldn't take anyone disagreeing with her on any kind of heated discussion without taking it very personally and acting like she was being bullied. The worst thing about it is she would give me shit for not standing up for her but a lot of the time I completely disagreed with her viewpoint, if I agreed with others then she'd say I was ganging up on her.
Needless to say we didn't last long. Because to me that's a form of control, a form of emotional blackmail so she could have her own way and have me pander to her crushing insecurities that made being wrong so utterly devastating to her.
OP you talk about him needing to grow a pair and then go into lengthy reasons why you don't have to.
If you have a problem with someone why don't you deal with it? You seem to lack "a pair" too.
You have a problem with someone here, something that is in a pretty significant way spoiling this relationship for you and you won't do anything to deal with it, you expect him to.
I'm sorry but if you think demanding he fix this is "trying to do all I can to make that right" then you're sorely mistaken.
You're not trying anything, you're trying to get him to solve this.
If you can't handle his family then it's up to you to change that, not him. He can't change the people they are, he can't take your side in everything if he disagrees with you on some things so it's up to you to learn to not be so sensitive to them. It's up to you to learn to accept them as part of his package or just have nothing to do with them.
You don't get to use anxiety as an excuse, you don't get to criticise his lack of confrontation when you can't do it either without becoming so stressed there's a physical effect.
You're making all these decisions, you're deciding to go there, you're the one who feels obligated to go to them.
In your shoes I wouldn't bother but then in your shoes I wouldn't let them bother me either because I don't except my partners to do something I won't do myself.
Go to your interview, he can go to this family thing without you it's no big deal.
But you need to stop putting this on him, OP, it's not his fault you can't handle them and there's nothing he can do to make that happen either.
I mean you're basically putting this on him, demanding he make it so his own family have to walk on egg shells in their own home just for you? That's not only unreasonable that's verging on emotional blackmail, OP.
You're a grown woman in your 30's, you've surely dealt with people like this before.
Stop thinking you owe them anything just because they're his family, if they're not being nice to you stand up to yourself like they're just another asshole. You owe them nothing and they don't get a pass to be ignorant because you're boning their family member.
You've told yourself you need to think more about you? Well guess what OP, dealing with this yourself is also thinking about him, it can't be nice stuck in the middle of this shit. By dealing with this better you protect him, your relationship and most importantly yourself.
OP seriously, this is negatively impacting your health, so deal with it.
Stay away or stand up for yourself, or find ways of not being so sensitive around them. Really though, you need to lay off him for this.
Can you not see how hypocritical you're being demanding he do something you won't do? I'd never put my wife in that position. She doesn't get dumped on for the shit I have with other people. If I have a problem with one of her family members then I discuss it with her, but I deal with it. She deserves more respect than me putting her in the middle of some drama bullshit, she gets informed and her input is welcomed but I stand up for myself.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 July 2014):
 If he can't choose to make you a priority then he's not worthy of being called your boyfriend.
You do not have to put up with his inability to have a quiet word to his family.
They have probably been insuferable and ignorant for years. And he's been the quiet one who they can abuse. His reaction to their behaviour suggests that he's suffered years of abuse.
Meeting you made him feel good. You are unlike his family; you are breath of fresh air. Thus he was proud to bring you along, to introduce you to his family.
Naturally they also think that they're entitled to abuse you too. After all you are keeping their punching bag company.
If you keep on visiting this family they will attempt to destroy and demoralize you, just as they have engineered a situation to produce a man who seeks their approval and who has been cowered into submission.
For him this situation for him will not chance until he can see through his family.
You cannot make him change his demeanor.
He has to decide that for himself.
But you can make the best choice for you.
Tell him that the behaviour of his family distresses you. As a result you can no longer visit his family.
You find their behaviour distressing.
You can still see him, if you wish to do so. Maybe it will cause him to face the fact that his family is disruptive, abusive and unkind.
Remember always = with abusive people = the abuse can only get worse.
Maybe get a book on abuse - ''Toxic parents'' can be illuminating.
Do not give into manipulation and guilt. Don't listen to their pleas to come back to visit.
If he wants to see you, then it'll have to be without his family present.
Otherwise move on. There are nice guys out there - ones without abusive family to ruin your day.
If the dynamics of this family are dysfunctional then he probably loved you the moment he recognized that you are not like his family.
Maybe with time he can recognize why his family is dysfunction, ignorant and rude.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 July 2014):
 It "sounds" like you and boyfriend are in a dilemma.
YOU can't adjust how you feel about his family; HE can't seem to relax the hold they have on him... and turn his attentions to you.
My guess? ... is that you will, ultimately, find this insufferable, and your (and B/F's) romance will have to fail... Sorry...
Good luck with your NEXT B/F....
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