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female
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*cully
writes: I'm a 23 woman. I live with my 31 year old boyfriend. We have a joint mortgage. We argue a lot! He keeps pointing out that i'm alot younger than him.... Which i don't believe. I mentally feel i am roughly a similar age to him.More often his temper has got worse. And i have been left with bruising and pain that has lasted for a few days! The past several months. I have started to contemplate whether i should stay with him. I feel he would kick up a fuss if we seperate! I need a roof over my head and there is no where else i could really go if we sold the house.... My mother had a break down when i was 15. I really do not want to live with my mother and i don't wish to impose on anyone else!At the start of August i met a 39 year old manat a works do! The work do was quite a way from where i live, it was set in london. so work paid for 2 nights away. The first night i had thoughts of my boyfriend in my head. The second night, was the works do.... I talked to this 39 year old man nearly all the night, By 1am drink seemed to be taking its toll on him and he was coming out with lines like 'where is your room? lets not go there.' 'you've the blueist eyes i've ever seen.' I brushed it off. Him and his colleagues were telling me to stay but i left at roughly 1am. Partly because he seemed to be coming out with more comments, and i wasn't sure how long he would stay in track of his senses.the second night, all i could think of was this other guy. I took it might be a sign to indicate i should leave my boyfriend. a week later, emailing started back and forth between me and the 39 year old man. I found out he's divorced with 2 daughters from his marriage. Then also he is at present living with his girlfriend and they have a little boy together.... No matter how much i drill this thought into my head i can't get him out of my mind. At the works do i feel i fell out of love with my boyfriend and fell for this other man. I've only met him once! And i don't think he realised how much he impacted into my brain!!!! :-( I feel either way i'm stuck! I stay with my boyfriend - i feel his temper will get worse and therefore i'll feed of the bad temper and my persona/moods will alter for the worst. I leave, i'll have no where to live. All i'll think about is this other guy..... This other guy i can't have. I feel if i pushed it further with him, i might be accussed of taking him away from his girlfriend and son. I worry people would look and tell me i should be with someone nearer my own age! (The traditional idea is also that sons carry on the family name. This is the only son he has.... ) So even if i had no boyfriend i feel i couldn't pursue a relationship with this man. All i can think is why, why, why? Why can't my life be simple????Can someone help with this dilema.Thanks People.Scully
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005): Scully, you are stuck only because you have allowed yourself to get mired in deep. Your relationships with these two men have shaped how you are addressing yourlife and I have to ask why you can't take responsibility for yourself and your own inner happiness without these two toxic relationships. Your attitudes and awareness can be changed, but only with a great deal of work, effort and energy, on your part. Ask yourself-why are you staying in an abusive relationship? Why are you putting a lot of hope on a guy who is attached with a son? Aside from feeling familiar, it's like you have found a way to make the abusive relationship a bit more bearable. It's this other man. You are pinning some hopes and dreams on him and he has become your little coping mechanism. Having him in the background in your life makes it possible to endure life with your abusive bf. This is wrong because these two men are exactly what's keeping you from developing the passion, and the desperation, to want to change into a totally, independent, free woman who can live on her own.
You are living your life with deeply ingrained habits which you are finding hard to give up. No one rules your life...you are the architect of your own life. It appears you know what to do but your consciousness is fighting like a wildcat so you won't change. You must realize you will never change if you keep allowing yourself to depend on relationships with unreliable men to keep you content Why are you shortchanging your growth and chance at a happy life because you say "you have nowhere to go?" There are gov't agencies, family, friends and a ton of support places & resources you can draw upon for help, to get you on your feet. Don't forget, you own one-half of a home. If you leave this man, hire a good lawyer and get your half of the financial proceeds from this home. There are ways...you just have to put a lot of energy into finding them. Many, many woman do this and a lot of them have 2 or 3 kids, in tow. You can change for your own sake, but you have to ready to quit being a "co-dependent" woman and start becoming a strong, "independent" woman. Start believing in yourself, Scully and get proactive and make some positive steps to improving your life. And kick both these men to the curb! Take care and be strong.
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