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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: So I'll try to make this post as short as possible. I'm 31 years old gay guy ! I live a very conservative city , I work as an academic staff in a University. I'm in love with a young 23 years guyWe have a very strong relationship (8 months ) but our problem is that he is out for everyone but I'm not. The nature of my job makes it so difficult for me to come out I came out to my closest friends 3 months ago and they rejected me and that is still hurting me.People where I live hate gays, they assume that homosexuality is a choice. My partner wants me to be out in public , he wants to enjoy this ! I do understand his point ! I lived in holland for 5 years and I was out ! I was who I'm and people accepted me, great feeling. I didn't care about anything at that time but now everything is different. I'm back in my home town and I can't be out, hiding myself is hurting me but simply I can't do it. I can't imagine what would happen if someone of my students see me kissing a guy in public. I don't want even to think about what might happen!! It's small town and many people know me including many studentsThe perceptions about gays are negative and I don't want to be perceived as they think. This issue annoys my bf , he makes a big deal about it. My point of view is why don't we just love each other and live happyWe don't need to show people what we have but he disagrees and he says you should be proud of who you are.This issue is a barrier in our relationship and my bf keeps telling me my dream man should be a proud (out) gay ! He keeps talking about this I feel that he might leave me if I didn't come out. He keeps blaming me on that and I feel that this issue will ruined our relationship. I'm really worry about going outI want to be out but not where i live I don't mind to be out in big cities like NYC , London etc. What should I do ?am I right? Or no? Should I convince my boy that this is not the right or to take few steps towards going out , although it might destroy my career and reputation. I accepted that I'm gay but I know how people think of us. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): I have been dealing with being a guy in a gay relationship now in a straight relationship for q great deal of time and my girlfriend thinks I should come out as well except like you the world wouldn't accept me for being "me". So in my opinion there is a right time for everything and if your partner can't accept that then maybe he might not be the best choice for you. Dont let him guilt trip you into dining anything you dont want to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): Don't come out. I did and it ruined my life for two years. I had to move away and change jobs. I was teaching in a Private school in a small town in a very conservative middle class area on a contract. Never do anything you are not comfortable with regarding sexual orientation.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 May 2015):
 He wants to SHOW the world that you aren't ashamed of him or being gay, but... he may not fully comprehend that your PERSONAL SEX-LIFE is something you want to keep private due to your job and the small town you live in.
I think it's hard for anyone to make the choice to be "out" and in a way I find it so sad that there is such a need, personally I think people shouldn't HAVE to make a proclamation about what sexual orientation they identify with.
Does your BF no understand that YOUR living and reputation may NOT do so well with you being out? Also, While I DO understand that HE wants to be with a guy who ISN'T ashamed of being gay, I think putting pressure on you is a little unfair. He is 23, still in school? IF so he might have a much easier time being "out" than you would (at the moment at least). IF you aren't READY for that step I think he needs to respect it.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 May 2015):
 I'm not gay, but it's easy to understand that telling the world you are gay is indeed a big thing to do. If you don't feel ready, then you aren't. One would expect your boyfriend to have no problem understanding that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): He should encourage you and not rush you. I wish we lived in a world where this weren't an issue, but the ugly reality is that it is.
He shoudln't blackmail you. You're over 30 and you told your friends for the first time only 3 months ago, obviously you need time.
On the other hand in a way you are imposing on him your way of life.
I would first think about what I want from life and once I made a decision, I would talk to him. You should come out for yourself and not for someone else, not even him.
Eight years is not a lot but there certanly are some differences. Your professional lives are also different. Working at a university often means obeying invisible rules.
Have you thought about leaving the country?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): I'm assuming your bisexual ? That's completely fine and great he is supportive but if and when you come out is up to you and he needs to respect that.
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