A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please don't judge me, I know what I did was wrong. But when I meet my current boyfriend I couldn't believe having found such a lovely guy. Having been used by guys in the past, my previous relationship were just sex. No love at all. But this guy was completely different, he respected me, he treated me great, and he was very naive. Which I enjoyed a lot. And when he told me he was a virgin I realized he thought I was a virgin too. I frightened thinking I could loose him. So I lied and told him I was a virgin too. When we meet I was 18 and he was 24. He lost his virginity to me and after that I felt guilty for making him think he was my first. But it was too late already.The problem is a month ago somebody sent my boyfriend an email with a picture of me and my last friend with benefits having sex. I don't know who did it. I talked with my friend and he swears he didn't. Anyway, my boyfriend is devastated and fell into depression since he saw the picture. He doesn't want to see me most of the time. And when he does, he is very quiet. When he told me about this I apologized for lying, and I told him I did it because I was afraid. He was very annoyed because I tricked him but he had appeared to have forgiven me after a week. But since that time he is devastated and I feel horrible. What can I do for fixing this up?
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male
reader, aresu  +, writes (29 December 2011):
 I cant say much that hasnt been said already, but i wanted to say that if i were in your boyfriend's shoes i would never forget it, and would always still hurting, even if he broke up with you he will have to live with the tough that someone he considered special would lie to him like that and stole something from him that was very special. guys who are still virgin by choice at that age value their virginity a lot, so yes i dont think he ill get over it, and he is in his right.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): I have to disagree with the rest of the lads here. Don't do anything but be supportive and understanding. Don't push him to talk about this, leave him be. Let him take his time to process this and don't keep bringing it up.
He's hurt and with like all pain he needs time to deal with it. It might be a deal breaker, it might not. It's a very severe lie and some asshole sent him pictures of you having sex with someone else. If I were you I'd spend my time finding out who that was because they tried to fuck up your relationship and you need to know who it was, why they did it and whether they're going to do it again. Because I can tell you if someone sent me a picture like that of my girlfriend I would tear their world apart, wipe out or hack all their online accounts and spend my time making their lives as bad a hell as they've made mine. Your lie was a big one and it was major lie but your reasons are one I could get over but that other person who sent that would pay dearly.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): You also need to know that he will probably not get better "eventually" like a lot of people think.
Maybe he will deal with it better after a few weeks or a month or two. That is a realistic possibility. But that's it, if he's not dealing with it better by then, he never will. If he's still hurt over this 6 months from now, then he's still going to be every bit as hurt over it years or decades from now. Probably even more so as time goes by.
Lots of guys fall into the trap of dating someone whose past bothers them and they think they will somehow get over it eventually. It sounds like good advice, it's what everyone wants to hear, it's what everyone wants to work . . . but it usually does not work. Usually the guy just gets too far into the relationship to quit and stays hurting over it permanently. People think that giving it time "worked" because the guy stopped talking about it and they stayed together. But did it actually stop hurting him? No, it usually hurts him just as much but he learns to suffer in silence because continuing to talk about it does not help anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): Thank you all for your answers. I know I messed up big time, and I can't see my boyfriend suffering like this. I asked him if breaking up would make him feel better. But he doesn't want to split up. He told me his heart is broken right now and he need some time to feel better. But I don't see him get any better. He cries a lot when I'm not there, when he remembers what happened. I don't want to loose him.
Yes, he wanted a virgin girlfriend, but he told me taht after we had sex for the first time, it was too late.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (27 December 2011):
 Prime example of the possibilties of negative things that can happen by holding out for "love" so thank you for reassuring me of losing it at age 25 by other means. Trust is lost here because of the lying. Because of the emotion your bf has attached to sex it is not repairable. You need to apologize and end the relationship. Your bf will possibly not want that bc of the decision he made to be with u sexually. However you will need to tell him that he doesnt deserve to be treated the way he was. I hope youve learned a valuable lesson. Bring that boy to my gym ill show him how to release anger and frustration constructively and how it can do enormous things for the human body.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): I don't know if you can fix this. You lied to him and took his virginity by deceiving him, I know you were scared, but how would you feel if things were reversed? He is hurting badly, and his trust in you has been shaken. The only thing you can do is to try and respect what he needs, if he needs some time away from you, give it to him, and do everything you can to rebuild the trust you have broken. It will take time and a lot of patience. In the end only he can decide whether or not he can forgive you and get past this issue, I hope he can, but if not you will have to respect that and learn from the situation. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): I am going to be blunt, you need to stop believing you can ever "fix" this. What you did was too wrong to this guy. If I was in his shoes I can tell you there would never be any getting over it. He may continue to be in a relationship with you but it would be with more or less a fresh start. This is not something he will "get over" in the way you want him to. You need to forget about ever getting things back the way they were before.
I am not saying this just to be hard on you. I am trying to get across how much of a betrayal this was to him. People who save their virginity until his age, especially males, almost always have a lot of strong feelings about this subject and who they want to lose it with. You stole something very precious from him.
And the fact that he got this information by SEEING PICS of it . . . wow. Talk about getting something seared into your memory. Plenty of guys who have sexual histories of their own, who are totally okay with their woman having a sexual past, would still have serious trouble dealing with the sight of it.
He will never "get over it" because he will never get his GF back. The GF he believed he had does not exist. He believed he was dating a lie and now the lie is revealed. Now the best he can have is a different girl who lied to him and took a risk with his health in the process. Your lack of sexual past was something about you that he really liked and there is no returning that to him.
What other feelings may be playing into this? Maybe he would never have dated you if he had know you were a non-virgin? Maybe he has passed up other girls for similar sexual histories as yours? (Or he has passed up other girls with sexual histories that bothered him even LESS than yours?) If this is the case the maybe he will always be sorry that he didn't date those other girls now. Etc. I am saying you can't assume to even know all the ways that your lie may have affected him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): Tell him about your past relationships and explain how it's different and that you were afriad to loose him and he should understand even though you shouldn't have lied about something like that and hopfully you learned from your mistakes and your relationship can be saved.
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