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writes: How do I stand up for myself? My boyfriend thinks it is all me, I am the dumb one, he is the smart one. He thinks I need straightening up. Yes, I do, but some of his problems are what is causing my problems, but he refuses to believe that and just shuts me down whenever I try to talk about it. I then shut up, tuck my feelings inside, and move on by submitting to him and agreeing with him until the next fight. This vicious cycle needs to stop. How do I stand up for myself and make him hear me and understand where I am coming from? Is there somebody out there that has been through this same thing and has managed to win once? If so, tell me how you did it.
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female
reader, Incurable Romanticist  +, writes (11 October 2016):
I love all the answers here, but I'm not the type to tame the beast. If it was raised by intellectual wolves, give it a scratch behind the ears and send it off to find another home. I'm old, and I'm really smart, Ph.D., Ivy League, etc., so I don't have to worry about this sort of thing, except, I'm here wondering how to break it off with the current Mr. Wonderful, who keeps telling me that we wouldn't like each other so much if we weren't within a couple of I.Q. points of each other. I just don't know how to say, "But the thing is, sweetie, I don't like you that much." The thing is, there are a lot of people who may start out with a better operating system, but they aren't really interested in anything, which makes them dull, and usually unpleasant to talk to. I had a fifteen year affair with a professor who never stopped complaining that I must have come to the swift conclusions I did in my work, because I was "cheating." He was not pleased when I told him the stuff was self-evident to me, and cheating would be going to a lot of unnecessary trouble. Decades hence, he's still the love of my life, but not worth the constant crouching tiger stance. Smart doesn't make you a great mind. Starting small and working up does. ABSOLUTE RULE: If an intellectual bozo puts you down, your intelligence threatens him. It sounds to me as if you are actually looking for an intellectual partner. Schools have clubs for people who are interested in all kinds of stuff, with a lot of young singles who are looking for love and companionship, and they won't expect you to know already what it's taken them time to learn. Astronomy clubs are awesome for finding people, and those star parties? It's easy to hook up with some of the sweetest guys in the world there. Or hang out at Barnes and Noble/Starbuck's. I always find somebody there. You sound like somebody I would have loved having in my writing classes, or 19th C. British poetry. Your boyfriend, not so much.I'm noticing dates. You're probably married to a great guy by now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2005): I know how you feel. I just got off the phone with my boyfriend and he doesn't seem like he ever wants to talk to me or anything. He always thinks that he's right. I always put up with it just like you. But don't if somethings bothering you need to tell him right then and there. Please don't hold in your feelings that makes you feel so horrible and he needs to know that he's acting like a jerk. Give him a reality check. Let him know that he needs YOU. Don't relie on him for everything either because then he will think omg she needs me for everything. Make him need you, so when he starts acting like a jerk let him know if he still doesn't stop, then give him some space let him hang out with his friends or whatever. Have a good time with your friends and then he will realize that omg i better stop and i need to come back to her i guess thats how you would say it. He will get a reality check you just need to be assertive and let him know how you feel. If his friends give you any crap as well, tell them they need to stop and let your boyfriend know that they are bugging you.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (13 July 2005):
Start voicing your feelings and opinions more (even when youre not arguing) this will let you practise being more assertive, when your boyfriend cuts you down make it clear you are not going to stand for it. dont get angry, just be firm with him, if he strts to try and srgue, ignore him. in the past i have found this method very helpful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2005): Sorry to say this but...but why bother trying to stand up to this guy. In a genuine, true love relationship..you shouldn't have to feel this sad about the way he treats you. Your boyfriend sounds like a controlling bully who is intimidating you to get his way and he is always determined to be Mr Right. You could stand up for yourself and make your point firmly with him..because he has no right to treat you this way, but what good will that do? He is one of the "I know better" types who thinks they are the only ones capable of solving a problem or having an opinion. You will never "win" with controllers like your boyfriend. Guys who are secure and happy with themselves...never behave in this manner...thye treat others with kindness and respect. You b/f is a very insecure person who has to bully you, (his victim) to make himself feel like a worthy person. Kick him to the curb and find a guy who will treat you well.
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female
reader, pinksoftkitten +, writes (12 July 2005):
Your boyfriend behaves this way because you allow him to. What do you think any confident girl would do?? She would tell him to sling his hook, because he may love you, but girl, he aint got respect for you. He may be like this with all the girlfriends he's ever had, but I can't see how you are going to change the way you two relate to each other now. You are both stuck in a pattern, which will not change, without both of you working really hard to do so. This means he'll have to admit he's wrong to treat you this way, and only you know if that will happen. I think not. Tell him to sling his hook, and don't come back, and work on your own self esteem and self confidence. You could enrol on some assertiveness classes. This will help prevent it happening again with another man, but as far as this man is concerned, it wont change. Can you tolerate this, and probably worse treatment in the future??
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