A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I always knew we wanted to wait till after we finished college to get married, but he has always said he'd want to get engaged whenever. Now he tells me that that was a lie and he said it because it's what I wanted. His reason for waiting is he thinks he'll lose his independence when we get engaged. What am I supposed to feel? Am I wrong to not fully trust him now? And how much independence should I give him?
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female
reader, scrazy  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 You can't "give him" his independence, it's his choice of how independent he wants to be; he's not your child, he's a guy - your age I'm assuming?
You probably scared him with all the talk of marriage - and no offense to you, but who wouldn't be? You're young, you're supposed to be enjoying the fun of being in relationship or even if you weren't; enjoying being single and having the oppurtunity to mess around without committment.
Just because he lied to you about something you wanted to hear, doesn't mean you shouldn't trust him, just understand where he's coming from.
My suggestion?
Don't mention marriage to him again. It's great that you want to get married when you're older, but you've got all the time in the world to think of that kind of commitment.
Just enjoy what you have now.
xo
A
male
reader, Devil Spawn  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 YOu cant take away any of his independance, its not yours to give or take. Its his.
I can understand him not wanting to be engaged at his age, its too young.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): He's probably terrified poor dear. It's a lot you've been asking of him. I'm assuming he's the same age as you. Look at it from his position if you can. He meets a girl and falls in love. She starts talking about engagements, and he's still a teen and not even finished education. All of a sudden his future seems so fixed, no surprises, everything planned. College, engagement, work, marriage, children, grandchildren, heart attack, dead. No space in his life to do what other men his age are doing. No flirting, no making mistakes, no changing of minds. He still a teenager, but now he's already thinking about mortgages and death. It sure takes the magic and excitement out of life. You've left him no options, no choices, no opportunity to run away to the Amazon and play with the animals. He won't get to try any of the exciting things he's seen on TV.
Of course he's scared. It dosen't mean he loves you any less. It dosen't mean he dosen't want to be with you. He's just not in a hurry to map out a settled life, before he's even had the chance to live the life he has. Few guys would be attracted by the scene I laid out. He's not even 20 and yet he can already see what he'll be doing by the time his 80years old, and he's not ready to take things so fast.
Where is the time for fun. Why does everything have to get so serious so quickly. What about taking things one day at a time. Your putting a lot of pressure on this young man and he already has his studies to think about. What happens if he does so well in college they ask him to move across the world. What happens if he wants to go in the army. He's choices become limited with a fiance on board. It's not that he wants to do these things, but everyone likes to think they have the freedom to make a choices about the future. He's probably aware that early engagements rarely lead to a lifetime committment.
My best advice to you is to slow down as well. Enjoy what you already have. Enjoy your time in college, enjoy the fun of dating and being young. Before you know it you'll be out of college, worried about bills, taxes and rent. Enjoy your youth because it dosen't last very long.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): Not wanting to get married/engaged in your teens or even early 20s is the normal way for people to feel, especially guys.
It's not a sign of any intentions of cheating if that's what you're asking.
You can like a $100 pair of shoes just fine and still not be ready to buy them at a certain time. Maybe you're just not sure that you're ready to spend the $100 on any pair of shoes yet.
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A
female
reader, bubble gum 000 +, writes (1 July 2008):
 i think you should trust him, if you are both in love then there isnt no rush to be engaged or married. You have all the time in the world. You should enjoy being together and take things as they come. You are still only quite young. I couldn't imagine getting married at 16, i want to expirience so much in life, not be engaged to be married. I hope you both stay together though and i hope one day you do get married, but not just yet and don't hold it agaisnt him because he doesn't want to. Just enjoy what you have.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): You may love each other a lot, but you are only very young. This would just be my opinion on the surface, but the marriage at a young age wouldn't be very long, partly because of the fact the couple wouldn't have space to party really hard. As in, really hard.
As in, one-night stands etc.
In everything theres no set way to feel. You are not wrong to not fully trust him again. For one he lied, and although it wasn't cheating or anything, any lie would make you think again. Secondly, he is mentioning that he'll loose independence. He may feel that he'll have to be with you constantly, which isn't something people your age do.
Now I know your probably very mature people, and you sound mature, but people grow up through experience. They don't want to be cooped up. They've been cooped up by their parents their whole lives. Your whole lives. Your probably still living with your parents.
There wouldn't be any freedom. I suggest you talk to your boyfriend about what he means by independence. It could be on any level. But don't be a pushover, but be reasonable.
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