| A
female
,
*onfused Angel
writes: I am 25yrs of age and have recently moved from Sydney to Canberra to be with my boyfriend of 2 years. Prior to moving to Canberra I went travelling for the first time for 3 x months while he stayed home to buy his first home for us to move in to when I returned. Since moving in with him, he told me not to pay any rent until I got myself a full time job. It took me 2 x months to find a full time job so I then commenced paying him rent. I have since had to take out a personal loan to pay off some old debts and again he told me not to pay any rent until this was paid off (it is a 5yr loan but I should had it paid off in 2yrs). To make up for the rent, I do still make sure that I pay my way by paying all/most of the bills ie electricity, water, groceries, home phone etc in which most times equals to be more than what I would pay for rent anyway. I do also do a lot around the home ie his/my washing, cleaning and cook him breakfast, lunch and dinners most days. I sometimes feel like he is not appreciative of the things that I do for him and sometimes even expects more from me – I think the reason he is like this is because he comes from a family where his mum was a stay at home mum who did EVERYTHING for him, his brother and father. When he comes home from work, he also acts like he is the only one that works as hard as what he does and whenever we have a fight, it is usually because of this or I get annoyed at the fact that he is being unthankful for what I do for him and does not make a comment re how nice the place looks, or how nice dinner was or hasn't asked me how my day was etc etc....The thing that annoys me is the fact that he instantly says - Well look at this roof that I am putting over your head - Don't I pay enough for this roof to be over my head???? And another thing - whenever our place gets brought up in topic of conversation, it is always referred to as his place and not ours AND/OR whenever I am inviting people over to my/our place, he always corrects me and says MY PLACE. I am not sure how to fix or change this and am unsure where and what to do from him...can somebody please help me??
View related questions:
debt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Confused Angel +, writes (21 May 2007):
Confused Angel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFurther to my previous questions, I am at yet another hurdle in my relationship.... my partner just worked a 7 x day week, and came home last night, tired, hungry and cranky, he mentioned the fact that he had not eaten a thing ALL day and needed dinner ASAP.
I said well whose fault is that... considering I had cooked a lovely dinner the night before and even served him the left overs for lunch that day, in which he forgot to take with him - he responded to say, 'Well YOU should have reminded me about the lunch'???????
We got into a heated discussion and I was saying things like.... Do you expect me to do everything?? I cook for him, clean for him, do his washing etc etc.... and it never seems to be enough.... he still expects more and more and more....
I joked and asked if he would like a bell that he can ring whenever he wants something and possibly his little servant that lives down the road can come running to bring him anything/everything that he needs.... which unfortunately that servant was not going to be me.
I asked him the question... what do you expect... dinner to be served for you every night you walk in the door and his answer was genuenily YES.
I repeated the same question over and over again.... and he continued to answer YES YES YES... I was in shock....
I said do you expect dinner to be served every night, the house to be clean, your washing to be cleaned and put away, a sexual replationship when you want it... all with a smile on my face.... and he said YES!
I called him a old fashioned pig and said he was that way because of his mother who didn't work when she raised those boys and did everything on her own.... little do those boys know that his mother never enjoyed that... and she has already admitted that me.... all the time she spent on her own, while my partners father worked so much.... which obviously my partner is following in those same footsteps...
I asked him the question.... so what happens when/if we have children, would he still expect all of the above... and his answer was YES...... He said if he is working full time, and providing for our family, then I should be doing EVERYTHING else... I said,' Dont you think the washing, cleaning, looking after our children etc etc etc is not a full time job, and would he still expect dinner to be served every night ... and his same answer every time was YES????
I dont know if I am overacting about all of this... is that what a good wife/mother should be doing while the husband works full time?? Should I be ensuring that the house is always clean, his washing done, dinner cooked and served, children raised, fed, washed and put to bed?? etc etc....
We went to bed last night not talking to one another, and if anything I expected to wake this morning to an apologetic partner.... in which the first thing he said to me this morning was... Honey I have to go to Melbourne this week for work and I need you to pack my bags for me???? Of course I said NO WAY (I work full time as well and am struggling with the flu) and was left once again in shock....
Is this normal?? Is this what a relationship is supposed to be like at the age of 26?? Your answers would be much appreciated....
A
female
reader, Confused Angel +, writes (12 April 2006):
Confused Angel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou do sound very happy Clarey and I am happy for you. I wish I had someone in my life also like that priest to help me with my decision re marriage if/when that time does come. I guess I am also afraid if marriage or should I say afraif of marrying the wrong person due to the many mistakes my own mother made with the men in her life and her 2 failed marriages....although she has now found the absolute man of her dreams now....I just don't want to follow in her footsteps and have a trail of bad relationships following me:(All I can really do at this stage is speak with my partner and tell him my fears and how I want him to help me out more around the place so that I do not feel like a 25yr old house wife already....and see what he has to say....Thank you for your advice, i really needed, I shall keep u updated as to outcome.
...............................
A
female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (11 April 2006):
 Hello again Confused Angel. I do have a son who is eight years old and am divorced but happy with a wonderful partner. My husband was not a good Dad or husband and I ended up working, doing most things in the house and bringing up our son myself. It was awful and I had bad post natal depression partly as a result. My husband (N) had a Mum a bit like your boyfriend's and she was always fussing and doing for him. Once when he had flu I found blackcurrant cordial had been put through the cat flap along with paracetamol! She would boil my sons baby clothes and wash the floor all the time. She was trying to be kind but she did a bad job training my husband to look after himself. N did love me a lot but he was a "stiff" person, into organising things and not sponaneous, in fact surprises upset him. My new partner was my boyfriend when I was 15 and we have been back together since last August. The difference between them is that my boyfriend (S) is in touch with his inner child, in fact I think I have two now!. He takes my son onto the hills to play commandos and they were doing something wicked in the garden last week which caused them to set fire to the hedge! They are always doing jobs, playing jokes and giggling together. S comes up every bedtime to tell R stories without being asked and takes positive pleasure in doing so. He has asked to be responsible for helping R with his homework. He has spent hours helping me prepare for a presentation and interview I am doing to get into teacher training college. Nothing is too much trouble. I am crazy about him and I feel I have died and gone to heaven. Plus, he gives the best bear hugs in the world. He understands my sense of humour and forgetfulness (driving off with things on the car roof, rollers in the fridge etc) which always annoyed N. I always wished that N and I had talked through obvious and key issues before we married. Partly to be practical but also to get insight into our attitudes about life. I don't think he really wanted children at all but felt he owed it to me. He does his best by seeing his son once a week. Sounds disconnected but stay with me: I knew a priest for years who was like my grandfather and he said he always worried about the choice of husband I made. Apparently he used to counsel young people who wanted to marry by asking them about all sorts of questions and discussing their attitudes to everything involved in being a couple and raising a family. Then he would give them his verdict. I wish I had had such a service when I made my mistake! Anyway, nobody is perfect and believe me S has brough a whole load of baggage into our relationship because of the failure of his first marriage which was bitter. I think you can tell that we love each other unconditionally and totally supportively. I never had it before and I am more lucky that I could have believed possible. Good luck with your negotiations and may you be as happy as I am.
...............................
A
female
reader, Confused Angel +, writes (11 April 2006):
Confused Angel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Clarey, thank you for your response, it is comforting to have some answers in the questions that I have been so confused about lately. I guess it all is a little overwhelming for me considering I am only just turned 25 yrs of age, so I guess this whole moving in with my boyfriend and working hard, and doing chores around the home and cooking dinners are all new to me compared to the life that I left in Sydney. So I know I definately need to sit down and speak with my boyfriend regarding our future plans and get a bit of an idea of what our future brings and how our finances are going to be shared between the two of us - I have previously brought this issue up with him and his answers were exactly what I was hoping for - that his dreams and aspirations were the same as mine, he did want me to be a part of his future and if i wanted to be a part of his, then everything would be shared right down the middle. I do think that this being his 1st home, he does have a lot of pride that he has worked VERY hard to get it, but he does also need to see that I am working VERY hard to keep the place always neat and in order and do provide him with everything else to make his life that little bit easier...ALL while I am running a very busy business.We do speak about marriage and I would think that he will probably propose to me next year and with a marriage to follow the year after and kids not long after that...all by the age of 27 I would hope. One thing that does scare me in which I have thought about and you have just brought up, is what he would be like when we do have kids? Would he help out more around the home then what he does now? Would he even continue making comments about the life and roof he is providing to me due to the fact that I will be unable to work while I have kids etc? And would he still expect that I clean, wash, cook etc etc?? I guess these are all the sorts of questions that I will need to sit down with him and discuss.Clarey are you married?? Do you have kids? And if so, can you please give me a little insight into what your boyfriend/husband is like around the house or what he was like when you had kids??I guess I shouldn't compare but i do also sometimes compare him to some of the qualities that my ex - boyfriends had and he doesn't and/or what my girlfriends boyfriends do for them in which my partner does not do for me.... I shouldn't try to change him though should i??Oh now I am all confused again.....
...............................
A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (10 April 2006):
It he behaving as he was brought up; to be the man of the house with you as the little woman no matter how hard you work? Or perhaps he is hanging onto a bit of independence but with you there; getting the best of both worlds. The first is a bit worrying, the second shows that he is not fully comitted at the moment. There needs to be some clarity about your plans for a future together and whether this is certain or whether you are in a looser arrangement of just living together and seeing how it goes. If the latter it is OK for him to be able to say that the flat is his for now. You don't have to live there if you don't want to.
However, in committed relationships the man-of-the-house attitude is out of sorts with the modern world. If you are going to have a long term future the things that you build together must be jointly owned morally and legally. Your name should be on the mortgage and deeds. If it is not and you are paying half or more then it really is not fair.
Do you have a plan in mind for how long it will be before you get married? When that happens you will become legally entitled to half ownership anyway. The lack of sharing spirit (if he expects you to marry) would make me sad if it were me. Not being appreciated is sad too, praise keeps people motivated and happy. There is a limited life-span of time that a person can keep trying harder and harder to impress with no feedback. Luckily you can give him a chance to change but you are not stuck in a marriage forever with that problem.....
A practical way forward, if you are currently planning a long term future, is to talk about what you both want to acheive and discuss a financial plan together. Where do you want to be in five years? The aim is to develop your ability to work as a team and plan for the future, tell him that. Take the list of outgoings and income with who pays what and totals. Show him in black and white that you are equal partners. There should be some expectation that you will have a joint property at some stage and it must be recognised that, when it happens, you put in just as much as him in the early days. You don't want him saying he owns more of it than you because he got your first home do you?! Some people have joint accounts and agree to put in the same money each month, out of which all household expenses are taken. The way that you choose to do it is up to you both.
If it were me I would feel cheated if I felt I was working to buy HIM a flat? What about having children together? Will you be doing the same work then as well and will he thinking that he owns the place even more because perhaps you would be unable to contribute as much financially? Think of the future milestones and how important it is to be a supportive, cohesive couple. If he wants to share a future with you then what he has to do is SHARE. A quick sideways thought is that he may be feeling rather proud of having his first home, feel it is his acheivement, he chose it etc etc. I feel those sorts of things should be done together and the practical arrangements for finances etc discussed before not after the event. It is good planning to get your debt paid, but if you are still contributing as much as he is you deserve to be in the picture and have some equality. Good luck, hope to hear how you get on.
...............................
|
