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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months. He was previously married for 8 years and his wife left him, 15 months ago. He tells me that he is in love with me. Although during a conversation earlier he mentioned that he had sent his wife a Christmas card. I was very confused as i don't undrerstand why he has sent it after she left him and was so horrible to him?I reacted very emotionally as i didn't understand? What do you think? Am i right to be concerned?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2006): It has been 8 months ago. He saw me from across the room and it was love at first sight. We dated for 4 months and he told friends I was the one. I had also met his family and church members. He chose what house we were going to get, what dog we would compromise on and made plans for our future.
He is a born again christian. I am agnostic but agree to christian values and principles. We had pre marital sex by accident while on holidays and from that exact moment he changed. He broke up a few weeks later saying that we weren't compatible and because I didn't fit the criteria i.e. I didn't like sports, being outdoorsy and not being religious. Although we had excellent chemistry and compatibility. Are these just excuses?
He wanted to be friends. He said the reasons was because it didn't mean we wouldn't be together in the future. But I didn't communicate for 4 months. After I suggested we could be friends and he agreed and that was 3 months ago. Now he has messaged me to say he wishes me a merry xmas. He has been dating but no girl ever gets past the 2nd date. I am in the same predicament. Does he have a heart and head conflict? Are we still in love with one another? Or is it all over?
A
male
reader, Chado +, writes (22 December 2006):
I believe you feel jelous of your boyfriend, simply because a part of him still has a place where his former lover rests in his heart. This is normal for guys who have had long term relationships and developed strong connections with. It is normal for you to feel jelous, however true love is love at all costs. It means nothing in your current relationship that he sent her a card. It shows a part of his past that he will never forget. In time he may stop sending them, but the point I make is about you. Release your conditional love on him, and be glad he told you about the card. Its purpose was not to upset you, but rather he'd rather you know that he sent a card, so that later if you found out, you wouldn't think the worst of it. Stop waisting your time holding onto his heart selfishly like its yours and yours alone. He has a history. She was a part of him, and she still is in a way. If you love him, which I think you do, you'd allow him the oppurtunity to release his attachment to her in his own way, in his own time, simply because that's what he'll do anyway. I hate to be harsh, but a mature person would understand that he may still have feelings for her, as most guys always do, and just let it go. It really sounds pretty trivial at this point. He loves her. He loves you. He takes no offense to how she treated him anymore, and is actually being kind to her. She probably won't send anything back that, and he probably knows that. He just wants to show her that he still cares about her, and maybe loves her in a different more adult way. People that go through this thing have two schools of thought (one, love those that hate you), or (two hate those that hate you.) I'm glad your boyfriend picked the first one, regardless of how his wife behaves. Be glad you have a sensitive man with you who has a heart large enough for more than just one person. He probably won't go back to her anyway if he has been with you for a few months or more, so I wouldn't worry about it. He is with you and not her. And that should be enough to tell you.
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (15 December 2006):
 Being together for eight years is a long time to develop a bond and history together.
Saying that, try not to panic as sending his ex a Christmas card does not mean that he has romantic feelings towards her.
Sometimes couples stay friends or in civilized terms when they slip up.
Your relationship of five months is still very fresh, you have better change of keeping this guy happy but being supportive and allow him to make his choice of who he sents cards to.
Reassure him that you felt jealous and insecure, try not to push him away by coming across over possessive as you may have given him that impression.
xxx
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A
female
reader, Juliette +, writes (15 December 2006):
 I partly agree with Irish49 but also in a world where marriages break up more and more things are bound to get confusing. I think it is unrealistic to expect anyone who has had a very close relationship with someone to expect them to have no baggage, it is to deny that part of your life existed, and what is part of the package. Any relationship is a gamble, it is naive to think we can all of one person to ourselves. That is possession. My first marriage didn't have closure and my second husband has spent over 25 yrs in denial that was ever married before, amongst other things, the suspicion and jealousy has contributed to us seperating. 8 years of marriage is a long time, and he may still have very strong feelings for her. His pain of her leaving may be allowing him to forgive her as he moves on in his life with you, but she is part of his past forever and there is nothing you can do to change that. My friend is married to a man who loved his first wife very much, but she died and my friend welcomes him talking about her. It is part of him and she welcomes his honesty. Love is not a single directed entity, we can love many people in different ways and I think one of the truest loves is to be able to speak from the heart without having to pretend a little bit of your heart will always be with someone else. That is life I am afraid, and we can be emotionally richer for it as we learn about ourselves, what is important to us and how we deal with things in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2006): I could be off in my assessment of your situation here but I have a very different viewpoint on what "might have' gone down. Please feel free to let me know if I am off the mark, here. Firstly, your feelings are not wrong, but they will get in the way of building a normal, happy relationship with your bf.. If this was all he has done with her in the past 5 months that you resent, then you have to get a grip on your emotions and stop over- reacting to what he did. Is he sneaking behind your back and visiting her? Is he calling, e-mailing her? Is he finding excuses to see her? If you answered 'no' to all these questions, I wouldn't allow my jealous feelings over-rule your common sense. Your husband’s first wife has taken on another role in his life, and that is of a rather detached 'friend'. Dear, he's with you now and I am thinking that he's likely forgiven the messy split up he experienced with her. He wished her a "Merry Christmas'..that's all. I think this card represented 'closure ' to him. I wonder if this christmas greeting was his roundabout way of saying to her:
"I've forgotten..I've forgiven..it's all over. I 've met someone--no hard feelings between us and I'm closing that chapter of my past life, which was my marriage to you and I'm moving on"
I just don't get the impression she doesn't make life too hard for you, as many ex-wives do. Some exes are supreme torture to live with. So I have to gather, you don't like her only because she was once married to your bf. This is what we put up with we make the choice to date a man who was married once before. And also, remember-- you have only only heard his side-her side will never be voiced and that is no one's business but his and hers, anyways. . You have to use your head here and make sound, sensible judgements with rational thinking. If this is the only thing he has done in regards to her, then I don't think you have anything to worry about. I would've said to him 'that's nice you sent her a christmas card ' and just left it at that. Even better..said nothing at all. Being gracious to him when all he did was send a card to her, would've shown him how mature, trusting and loving, you truely are. And your positive reactions would allow him to keep building trust, loyalty and faith in you. Let this go and I can bet you my bottom dollar...the ex will 'not' get a card next year. He'll be busy thinking of something special to get you. I wish you luck, dear and be positive, be undersatnding, be bright and loving...take care.
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A
female
reader, atarisrocks +, writes (15 December 2006):
 well sending cards is like a tradtion i hate sum of my exs so much but i will send them a card i cant see wats wrong unless he wrote a letter to go with it or sumthing
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