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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi all. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 3 months now. I have depression and social anxiety disorder and this is already causing problems in our relationship. Before we started dating he knew I had these issues. (I've been on antidepressants for about 2 months now.) But he doesn't understand why it impacts my life so much. He always wants to go out and I just can't do that with my anxiety. I had a panic attack the last time we went out. He just tells me things like "don't be sad" which doesn't mean much if you have depression, he acts like it's no big deal at all and I should just be able to change my mindset instantly and feel great/happy. Also he will never make explicit plans with me, he will make plans with other people and then expect me to go along with it and fit into his schedule. I don't like unfamiliar situations and have a hard time psyching myself up to go out to things or peoples houses that I don't know. So I can only manage to go out about once a week at this point. He's getting frustrated with me because he says he wants to see me more but he hardly ever will come to my house and see me. I don't expect him to always come over but I don't think him coming over to my house maybe once a week is too much to ask for since I'm his gf. But now he says he doesn't want to have to make special arrangements like that to see me, that he wants me to just fit in with his life and be able to go everywhere with him. I try to but like I said with the depression and anxiety it is a major struggle and I try to get him to see that and he just doesn't understand. Also his friends house is about 15 mins from his house and I only live about 15 mins from his house too but he has no problem just going over to his friends house a couple times a week and just hanging out/watching movies there but he doesn't want to do that with me at my house. I am really trying to get help for my anxiety and depression, like I said I'm on antidepressants and I plan on going to a counselor soon. I'm not sure what I'm even asking advice for lol I guess I just want to know how we can make this work, we really like each other but barely get to see each other at this point and want to spend more time together. How can I make him realize how hard this is for me and that I'm trying my best? (without flat out telling him that, that's what I do now and he just tells me "don't be sad") Also how can I get him to be more understanding or willing to compromise and come to my house more often? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (4 September 2012):
The only way is to tell him how you feel, how depression is an illness that can’t be corrected by just trying to cheer up a bit, and asking him to agree to compromise. It sounds like there is no compromise in this relationship: it’s his way or no way at all. If he isn’t responding to this, he obviously doesn’t want to change and at just 3 months in it’s worth asking whether you really want to get deeper in to this relationship. I think you’re going to just have to take him as he is or leave him as he sounds like he wants the kind of girlfriend that will allow him to live his life as he chooses without having to make any effort to accommodate her and her needs on his part. If you can’t deal with that, walk away and focus on dealing with your depression and anxiety issues. Hopefully the counselling will be a great help.
I wish you all the very best.
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