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female
age
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anonymous
writes: My boy promised to break it up with another girl. she's kind of like his "geisha." It's very painful to me, but we have a long-standing relationship and my heart is his. I can't contemplate another man without feeling like a cheater myself.How long should i give him to keep his promise? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): From original writer:
Dear Anonymous,
I'm sorry if I disparaged the other girl. I haven't been myself lately!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2007): I don't like the way you keep calling this other girl sneaky. Isn't your partner the sneaky one? whatever she did to get with him, he is the one that allowed it. And in turn you let him. I hope it works out for ya, life is too short.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): Dear Stina and everyone,
Since his revelation, I don't think he's been seeing her,
said he was alone. Thank you so much for all your answers. I think I HAVE been crumbled into less self esteem.In answer to your question, between us had its problems , after years of deeply physical relationship, & the feeling of being married. I think he's afraid of marrying, though he calls me religiously and says he loves me.
He does acknowlege that he's been bad.
I only saw the geisha once, and she told him she would leave him and never call him if he told her to. do you think she meant it, or was it a sneaky maneuver? So maybe things will get straightened out. I wish I could have the ease and confidence of the geisha, and develop a mysterious allure. At the same time, keep ON him to tell her goodbye. He does like her, obviously, but I think it's time to choose. I think he likes the combination of the both of us, but I'm not into threesomes and sexual starvation. And socially, he always takes me to
public events, etc. I'm a fool!
I really have felt elevated by your insights and advice,
and thank you so much! -- original writer
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (11 January 2007):
 I'm wondering what sort of relationship you two have. It sounds like you are casually seeing him, as is the geisha. If he values you more than this other woman, then in my mind he would have given her up as soon as he realized that his heart was with you.
It's understandable that he doesn't want to hurt this person he's been seeing, but in my opinion if it's bothering you that he's seeing her this much then he would have already stopped (if he cared about you more as he says) - as soon as he learned how hurt you are from it.
What I gather from your posts is that you are a very, very considerate person - I mean you're even concerned about how this other woman is going to feel after the break up. That's saying a lot! What a big heart you have! Then on the other hand, I see this guy who doesn't really seem to care too much about how you're feeling. And honestly who knows if he isn't breaking it off with this other person because he doesn't want to hurt her. What if he's still with her because HE wants to be with her - he sounds pretty selfish in my opinion. Then again, I am sure I don't have all the details on this situation and I don't really know this guy. But that is my honest first impression of him: selfish and manipulative. It sounds like he's just been stringing you along, really. I think that's terrible.
And getting down to your question - how long should you wait for him to break up with this person? I still stand by my last answer: he's had long enough. It's time to move on.
Look, from your post I gather that you are kind, considerate, warm hearted, compassionate - just don't let this guy take advantage of that! Maybe you should share what a beautiful person you are with someone who values everything about you, too. You seem to be a real catch! Find someone else who shares the qualities you have. That is my honest opinion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2007): Dear Stina and everyone,
I DID put my foot down immediately, but don't know how long I should give
him. She might react badly, and being foreign, maybe it would take him
time to decently break it off. Other cultures are weirder than ours??
If he and I are to be together for the long term, like in some stories, it might
take time to put us back together, because my heart is broken.
But I'm hoping for a happy ending for everyone! He has behaved horribly,
horribly, horribly, but before this all happened, everyone thought us a great couple! I even thought of finding geisha girl
a beautiful, irresistible male who spoke her language. But I can't rise that far up,
am too mad!
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A
female
reader, bexherbs  +, writes (10 January 2007):
 i truely think you should not allow this man to walk all over you if he contuines to see this geisha than he clearly has no respect for you!
and as for the geisha he will mean nothing to her,if your not aware but these ladies are trained to be just about everything they are truely a art form that have no respect for themselves and clearly thats what these men want not to be in a normal relationship,stop and wise up if he doesnt stop the minute you ask him to.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (10 January 2007):
Hi again,
If he's supposed to be in an exclusive relationship with you and he is sleeping with someone else and doesn't really seem in any real rush to stop, I think you need to give up on this guy and find someone who will respect you, your feelings and the relationship itself.
By you "allowing" him to see this woman and putting your foot down, he is getting everything he wants. And being the obviously selfish person that he is, he may not give it up. Have you two had a detailed discussion about where you want things to go in the future? Does he seem genuinely interested in working things out between the both of you (if he does, then he doesn't act like it -- at all). Do you really think you'll be happy with a man who seems to have no remorse in having sex with someone who isn't you?
I have something else to ask you regarding the last thing you wrote, "I think he loves me more because he promised to leave her." It's one thing to think that, but another to know. Who is to say that he will stop seeing this woman? He's been beating around the bush so long with it now that maybe he's just telling you what you want to hear. Have you considered this possibility? I don't know this guy, but that seems like something a person such as himself would do.
Honestly, he sounds like a creep in my opinion. I think you'd be better off without him. Find a guy who is passionate about you and making the relationship work and someone who is compassionate towards people's feeling in general. You can do better than this guy. I think you should let him have the "exotic geisha," you'll find yourself a respectable partner who will love you in the same way you will love him.
So the short answer: he's had long enough. It's time to move on.
And please, if you really feel like you're cheating on him by thinking of other men, then ask yourself why. It may only be because his actions have caused your self esteem to crumble. Maybe you might have to go to counseling in order to regain your confidence. Please think about it. You've gone through an awful lot with this guy and you seem to be beating yourself up about it when you didn't do anything wrong.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2007): This is the original writer. He has been sleeping with this "geisha"
occassionally. she is exotic & speaks no English & is full of sneaky ways, feel like it's almost like a mistress? I don't really know her, but he promised to end it with her. don't mean to trash her, but I have been so deceived, but yet I think
he loves me more because he promised to leave her.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (10 January 2007):
Hi there,
Geisha: One of a class of professional women in Japan trained from girlhood in conversation, dancing, and singing in order to entertain professional or social gatherings of men.
(Geishas do not perform any sexual acts at all.)
I guess I would feel strange if my husband was seeing a geisha, as I'd think our relationship was lacking something (why wouldn't my "companionship" be enough). So maybe you need to have a talk with him. See what problems you all might need to work on and then deal with them. Communicate to each other what you expect and work on whatever is talked about.
If this person is just a friend, then it's not like he sought her out as a companion like he would a geisha, so I don't really see any wrong in this. I think it's fine for men and women to be friends (but not for someone to go out of their way to find "companionship" in someone of the opposite sex). Just because they're friends doesn't mean they're having any sort of sexual relations.
But if he is sleeping with this person, then you need to tell him what's up. Tell him how you feel and where you see this relationship going. You need to stick with whatever ground rules you both have set because this "geisha" is obviously interfering with your relationship. But like I mentioned earlier, if this person is just a friend, then maybe you need to try and be understanding that your guy will have friends that are also women.
Honestly, I'm a little confused so I don't know if I've answered your question at all...can you please tell us what you mean by geisha? I've tried to respond to your post to the best of my ability, but could give further details if I actually knew what sort of relationship they have. :)
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (10 January 2007):
 Hi
Not sure what you mean by Geisha. Is the film accurate?
Do you mean they are having sex?if they are, what on earth is wrong with you.
You say your heart is his, is his your's?. Dosn't sound like it to me.
If he is not taking your relationship seriously, why should you.
Personally you should find another man who deserve's you. Why should you give this man time, to do what he likes.
I thought the whole idea of a Geisha, was to be with a man, who was in a loveless arranged marriage. Where does this fit in with you?
I am sorry to everyone if I have the meaning for Geisha wrong, but whatever the meaning, the word for this man is a S**t. And i do know the meaning for that.
Move on Honey, get someone niceXX
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