A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf of 3 years will not tell the mother of his children that I exist. I find it very disrespectful. I'm on the verge of leaving, we only argue about this, the rest of the relationship is good, how can I explain how hurtful this is without sounding blaming. I just want him to make his ex aware of my existence. Is this too much to ask. He says I am trying to hold him hostage by threatening to leave if he does not say anything. I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 Added comment: Others have commented on something important. After there years of being involved with you it sounds like a committed realationship but he has not introduced you to the kids.
I would be asking HIM if he ever intends for you to meet his kids.
Since I am an Ex-wife, I do not expect my ex to tell/introduce me to his gf UNLESS he wants her to meet our kids. I get a say on who who is going to be alone with our children.
In my dating life, I do not expect to meet the children of someone unless we are going to get VERY serious/ie we are talking marriage/lifelong commitment.
If I mingle MY life with someone, I certainly expect THEM to share as well.
I really do not see it as a "dishonesty" issue with you..I see it as a reluctance to commit ALL his life with you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 June 2011):
 If he after 3 years still keep you "away" from his "other" family, specially the kids, I wouldn't be a happy camper either. I would seriously take the relationship up for a reevaluation.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 June 2011):
 if after three years you have not met his children and he's professing to be more than a casual relationship there are issues that are not being addressed.
Part of being in a person's life as a partner is being in all aspects of their life, their kids, the ex the whole 9 yards.
keeping you a "dirty little secret" is not a good sign.
Personally I'd tell him he either has to make me a full partner in his life or I'd be leaving.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 June 2011):
 I would think that after 3 years you'd be fully integrated into his life. If his kids have never met you, that's really strange. What reason has he given for not introducing you to them?
I'd probably be looking for the exit strategy in this relationship. You are not strange to want to be fully in his life at this point, 3 years on. He's accusing you of emotional blackmail, but I have to say he's guilty of it himself.
What do your friends think about the situation? Does anyone in your like know his children or his ex? That's really hard to imagine how he can separate them from the rest of his life. Kind of sad, really. They are marginalized on the sides of his life. Poor things.
Yes, there's something weird about this particular situation. I feel like there's more to the story.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have a big issue with trust and honesty. I don't know why him telling her about me is so important to me, but it is affecting everything. He tells me I should not be so insecure, that he has made his decision and it is me he wants to be with. No i have never met the kids, its like a whole part of his life i am excluded from and I think I am just supposed to say nothing. He knows it affects me but seems unwilling to tackle this problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): Hi. You haven't given much detail but i guess you haven't met the children either. If you had, they would have told her about you. It is difficult to say why he does not want her to know about you. Maybe you should ask him. He must have given you a reason! The first thought that comes to mind is that he has made her promises about not meeting another women or he still sleeps with her sometimes and doesn't want you two to ever meet or talk.
Being with a guy for 3 years, never meeting his children and being kept a secret from his ex wife doesn't sound good. He is hiding something. If you have reached a point whereby you feel like leaving BUT he still refuses to let her know and is trying to make you feel guilty. Then there is something seriously fishy about him.
Maybe contact her yourself. If you are thinking of leaving anyway, you have little to lose, right?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): you've been together for 3 years and your bf still doesn't tell his ex that you exist?? this IS being disrespectful. why? because obviously this shows that he's trying to keep you a secret like he's ashamed of you.
you're not holding him hostage, his ex is if the whole reason he's afraid to tell her about you is because he's scared about repercussions from her. She's the one holding him hostage, not you.
or maybe he's still got feelings for her and is still entertaining the idea of getting back with her in the future and that's why he refuses to tell her about you???
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (14 June 2011):
Why would she need to know you exist? Are you spending any time with her/his children?
If you have not been around the kids and do not plan to be...what is the issue?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 June 2011):
Have you been around the child? If so, she knows you exist. If you haven't been around these 3 years, it's time to let him go.
Maybe SHE doesn't want to get to know you. And I don't mean that in a bad way, but I know how some women are. My husband's ex wife would plain refuse for my husband to get the kids overnight if I was in the house.. well I LIVE there. Some women are rather irrational when it comes to their men and new GF's/wives. (and they had been divorced for over 6 years when I met him).
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 June 2011):
How old are his children, and do they know you exist? This does seem to be an odd secret to keep, especially after 3 years. Kids pay attention. And kids talk. She'll know about you if you spend any time with them at all.
Is there some history with her that would indicate it's better to keep her in the dark?
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