A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years. We were just kids when we got together. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs and for a while my boyfriend treated me like complete garbage. We ended up splitting up for a few months. When we got back together I ended up pregnant. We moved in together and after our daughter was born, he's gotten worse than ever before. I'm basically in an emotionally abusive relationship. I do love him and I have tried everything in my power to repair our relationship. To no avail. I met another man and over the past months I have fallen completely in love with him. I know he loves me too. He's told me this. We want so badly to be together. We're completely perfect for each other. There's one little snag... He's married. And... his wife is pregnant. They only knew each other for a few months before getting married and have now been married for 5 months. His wife got pregnant basically on their honeymoon. They are not happy and are fighting constantly. He and I have been cheating on our spouses and yes I realize how bad that is. We've basically reached the point of no return. Neither of our relationships are healthy and neither of us are happy in them. But our children are keeping us with our spouses. Both of us agree that we can't go on like this. Being completely miserable at home and lying to have a few moments together. We just don't know what to do? Any advice?
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female
reader, Fabulosa +, writes (7 January 2011):
 My advice ( lord knows im not perfect) leave your bf work on u. This new guy doesn't sound that great ( I may be wrong)...anyways work on u till he gets a divorce or anulment. And then see if u can be togther. But don't rush that relationship.... kids r happier in a broken home that has happy parents then in a home where there's cheating and abuse. Leave FOR your daughter.
A
female
reader, cat lady +, writes (7 January 2011):
 Are you married to your boyfriend? You didn't say, so I was a little mystified when you said you and your present lover were both cheating on your spouses. Your lover, on the other hand, IS married? Then, it's hands off unless or until he dissolves that marriage and you have every right to hold him to that. Would you support another woman's right to steal the affections of your husband and the father of your expected baby? I doubt it. If lover-boy will do that to her, he'll do it to you, too. A moral code can be a bit of an annoyance sometimes but would you really want to live in a society that had no roots in one?
I believe you about the fighting and I sympathize, for there is nothing worse than to find no peace in your own home. It's possible to make a terrible mistake when a marriage is rushed into or even just a domestic partnership. But, don't you know that 'my wife doesn't understand me' is one of the oldest lines in the book? If you are already having a bad time at home, you are vulnerable not only to more abuse and pain but, because of your emotional condition, also to bad judgment and you can be taken advantage of very easily.
Your glib explanation of the lover's situation (which seems to have come from him and not you) could easily be applied to you, too, could it not? You 'ended up pregnant?' You two must know what causes that by now and it's you who's left with most of the responsibilities. How is your boyfriend (the one who lives with you) as far as that is concerned, by the way? Is he good to your daughter? Is he committed to her support and care? Has he accepted the lifelong responsibilities of a parent?
If your lover-on-the-side doesn't want to stick around to raise his own child, what makes you think he wants to raise yours? You are a free adult and able to manage for yourself in the wide world but your daughter is not; she's a helpless little baby. At this point, you don't know if you are to be single, married or shacking up but one thing you DO know is that you are a mother. THAT is reality and that relationship you can count upon. There is all the unconditional love you could wish for. Think of that love and of her as a filter in your mind when you evaluate a prospective relationship and you shall clearly see the truth.
In your place, lady, if home life had become hell on earth for me, I would prefer to live alone with my child. You need peace and quiet and a healthy environment for both of you. The LAST thing I would do is make myself available to yet another man so soon after the one I lived with. You need recovery, not more complications. Take a break from all this. If you can, get some counseling for yourself and your partner as well, if he's willing. You did not mention a family. Do you have one? Is it possible to 'go home to Mother' for a while?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Misery can't be improved if cheating is in the picture.
No matter how you want this to end, stop cheating, stop seeing the lover, work on yourself and if you want your marriage, fix the problems you have then you can see if you can work on the other problems.
Get professional counseling help.
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A
female
reader, Fabulosa +, writes (7 January 2011):
My advice ( lord knows im not perfect) leave your bf work on u. This new guy doesn't sound that great ( I may be wrong)...anyways work on u till he gets a divorce or anulment. And then see if u can be togther. But don't rush that relationship.... kids r happier in a broken home that has happy parents then in a home where there's cheating and abuse. Leave FOR your daughter.
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A
male
reader, brainoftheg +, writes (7 January 2011):
well first thing first you need to get out of the relationship that your in... no matter if you and the other guy gets together you need to protect yourself and your child... abuse is abuse any shape fashion or form don't let things get too out of hand grab yo stuff and walk out the door with the police if you have to... make that dude understand your no in love with him anymore and he treats you like shit and your better.... now the dude that you want to be with he can break up with his girl any time he gets ready single parent homes are just as good as couples... it's how you raise your child now if your child was raised with a mom and dad.
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