A
female
age
,
*oxie
writes:The floor fell out from under my feet when after two years of what I thought was a good relationship my boyfriend told me that he was seeing my close girlfriend ( I believe he put it as a “midlife” crisis). It suddenly made sense why she had been asking me so many questions about Bob and our relationship. Bob is forty-eight and she is thirty-six, which in his own words an ego-trip for him. I am Bob’s age and have no trouble being dateable if that would be what I want but ….. Cindy, who I have tried to mentor in the past, has had a drug issue and numerous affairs with men and as a result has a sexually transmitted disease (which makes it impossible in Bob’s eyes for there to be anything physical between them – and knowing Bob’s character, I believe him). She is getting help and told my boyfriend that she just wanted a “friend/maybe someday lover relationship”.After not seeing each other for a period of time, Bob told me he loved me and couldn’t forget me but wanted to be emotionally supportive of her. So, I accepted their friendship for awhile even though needless to say, she and I have lost our friendship. . But after time I came to be aware that I love him way too much and hurt over the fact that he continues to tell me that he wants us to be old together but still has the “attraction that he doesn’t understand for her”. She thinks that we are not seeing each other and because of the “friendship circle” of all of our friends that don’t support my continuing to let Bob hurt me, Bob and I agreed to keep our relationship a secret from the world until we knew exactly what we wanted (why hear the “I told you so”s?) Bob continues to lie to me and to her (because as he says -he doesn’t want to hurt either one of us and feels caught in between a cat fight). I know that the whole situation is very unhealthy and I ask myself why I still love him, but inexplicably I have fallen hard. I finally told him that I couldn’t hurt any longer and that by making his choices he has made mine. He asked me for a week’s grace period for him to have time to tell her that he is still in love with me. I told him that after that time, if he didn’t tell her I would. The reason? I feel resentment toward them both…Her because of the deception and the fact that she tells Bob all the reasons why I’m bad for him. Him because I know in my heart he loves me but not enough. I know Bob won’t “ step-up”, the relationship is over. I need closure. She has told Bob that if he sees me it will be over with her. I hurt so much…. why should I let him be able to still look good in her eyes. I know it’s immature of me to want to strike back To have her hurt like I was when she went behind my back and asked him out in the first place? Should I let it go and walk away?
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female
reader, Amethyst +, writes (23 January 2007):
 As I put in my profile, love can be the greatest blessing or the worst curse. In your case, it's fallen into the latter.
I'm sorry to hear you're in love with a man who can't make up his mind, and I'll do my best to help you with the whole ordeal. I say, give him the week, but instead of telling her, if he hasn't, tell him "it's become obvious to me that while in fact you still love me... you don't love me enough to make up your mind." Honestly, if I read right, it sounds to me like he wants you because he doesn't want to hurt you, and for sex... since she can't give him that. Maybe it's just my opinion, but I believe if you truly love someone, it'd be an easy decision between them and someone else.... but again, that may just be me. *shrugs*
It's definately a good thing you ended the friendship with her, because people who do that sort of thing aren't real friends anyway. Honestly, I believe you should simply walk away... but for your sake, give him the week.
I hope this helps... at least a little. *hugs*
I'm sorry you're going through this, feel free to vent in a PM if you need someone to talk to. Good luck...
A
female
reader, SweetSixteen  +, writes (23 January 2007):
 you feel hurt because in all this you've lost a friend. it sounds as though he doesn't love you as much as you love him. and where i'd normally say no love is forbidden and all love is there for a reasson i don't think that deep down inside you still love him. okay so maybe you still got feelings for him, but ask yourself why, do u still love him to spite her? or do you just have a problem with letting go?
normally i'd say if you love him stay cos nothing can change the way you feel about him especially what i have to say, but i think in your case what you need is someone to talk to cos you've lost a friend in all this. maybe if you had a chance to talk about your feelings you'd realise what your real feelings are and why your not feeling them.
if you need someone to talk to confidentially and to talk to someone who isn't going to judge you, cos at the end of the day it's your life but you wouldn't be on here if u didn't feel you wanted to talk to someone, jst send me a message, i'm here to help.
remember your true feelings aren't allways the ones your feeling
hope i helped SweetSixteen!
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