A
female
age
41-50,
*bean
writes:my boyfriend of three months is pushing his child on to me and my family. im 24yrs old if i wanted a kid i would have one. i cant talk to him about this because he ALWAYS takes it the wrong way. i do care about him alot... how do i stop this with out hurting his feelings? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): I think that as well. I think she saw she may have been being overly short sighted.
Glad you could COMMUNICATE and work towards a COMPROMISE. It was good of you to SACRIFICE YOUR EGO/PRIDE.
Best Wishes.
A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (26 September 2007):
I think the comments changed your outlook and allowed you to see a reasonable compromise.
...............................
A
female
reader, gbean +, writes (25 September 2007):
gbean is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso after your e-mails i got... i talked to him. with the intent to brake up with him. but then he was like... you know something? i relized that i never ask you if it is ok that you do all this, i just demand it. ( i thought he found what i wrote... but he didnt) and i said yes you do just demand. so we disided that twice a week it will be just me and him. (mondays and tuesday) (WE dont have her those days) and he will let me desided when i CAN pick her up. between staff meetings and school so im not over welmed anymore. so see you were all wrong, all we needed was to talk about this. but thank you to those who did write to me :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): Well you both are the problem.
You don't respect him and he doesn't respect you. You don't respect him by not accepting he IS a DAD. You can't undo that one. Seriously.
There is no way he took you seriously by telling him...knowing he had a child- I don't want kids in my life. If that were true; why would you hit him up for a bf? He sees you weren't serious because you are dating him and guess what; you have a kid in your life now. So does he really think you know what you were talking about? Because you made the choice to date him and dating him means KID is apart of it.
It may not be fair how he reasons it all out but I can totally see what he thinks and believes because your actions don't align with your words. Most people have a hard time believing anyone whose words don't line up with their actions.
Either you accept he is a dad and that means dating him means you are expected to help out as defined by him.
Would you be up to seeing a family counsellor? Couples counsellor? If you want to make it work-then take that avenue and do it for two months.
It may be you both have no idea how to communicate needs and how to set up boundaries and expectations. A counsellor will help you define boudaries and expectations.
If this seems like too much work then I say it's done. You just need to pull up your socks and admit like a responsible adult. I'm sorry I can't do this. I'm not prepared for this. I wish you the best.
Best wishes.
...............................
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 He is testing you for a more serious relationship, and you are failing. He wants to see what kind of mother you will be to his child.
If you are not interesting in raising your bf's kids, then do not date men that already have children.
He is right to be doing what he is doing. His child SHOULD BE his priority, and if you want to be in his life, you better get used to being a step mom, or do not date single parents again.
-Frank B Kermit, author of I'm a Man, That's My Job
...............................
A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (24 September 2007):
Dump him. Obviously he wants to see you and his kid as a family. You shouldn't try to separate him from his kid. Imagine how you'd feel if you were the kid.
...............................
A
female
reader, gbean +, writes (24 September 2007):
gbean is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes i did know about his child. (duh) and he is a great dad. however my complaint lies in the fact WE HAVE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER 3 MONTHS! im not her mom. hes dont ask for me to pick her up, he dont ask to give her a bath, he dont ask me to do homework, take her to iceskating... he tells me your doing this right?! (right in front of her) so its not like i can say no... when shes holding on to my leggs saying yes yes please!!
(maybe i should have worded my qustion differnt!)
and i work a full time job that dont pay very good which is why im a student going to school full time at nite.... i dont have the money to drive her everywhere and if i ask him for gas money hes gets all pissy... now do you understand a little bit more?
...............................
A
female
reader, gbean +, writes (24 September 2007):
gbean is verified as being by the original poster of the question my respond to the answer is that: YES HE IS PUSHING HER ON TO ME! he was told on the very 1st date that i dont like, want, to be around kids.
he then, showed up to my family party with her. when he was told the dog bites. he shows up to my work with the car seat and tells me "im in a tight jam... YOU HAVE TO GO GET HER!" and to be honest, this kid is brat! she doesnt know what no means, she dont listen, and she cant ask for something whitout out whining for it! (wow i really dont like her)
but its just hard because ive known him for a long time before all this. i really do care about HIM. so if the best thing to do is to brake up... how do i do that? just tell him i cant stand your child?! help please!!!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): I'm having a hard time in seeing where your complint lies.
He's a single Dad. You must have known this when you decided to date him. You wanted him all to yourself? Was that realistic? Was it fair to him, the child, or you?
What was the picture you painted in your head as to what this relationship would be like?
Do you have a resentment against the child as you assign some value or meaning to her presence? She represents his past and you don't like it. Jealous? Insecure?
Something about her exsistance threatens you.
Is it responsibility you don't want and being with him automatically means you have it as well? You'd be right on that as it comes with dating a single parent who still does his duty in involving and loving his child.
I think he's a decent man by choosing to remain in his daghters life.
I think this is an issue with different life goals and differing values. Pride is also a roadblock.
Do you want to be in this man's life or not? What do you want to happen? Is it fair to everyone involved or just you?
Any relationship needs two people sacrificing and compromising.
...............................
A
female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (24 September 2007):
 you care for him, you care for his child.
he probably wants you to feel comfrtable with his child and the whole situation, he's not pushing her/him onto you, he's showing a great deal of trust by letting you.
however if youre not ready for the family stuff and all the baggage, you should not be together, because you have the choice and freedom to be who you want and you are right, you don't want a child so shouldn't have one.
i don't think this is working for you and you need to tell your partner that you're not ready this big commitment of being responsible for his child.
good luck
...............................
|
