A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I saw some posts about the same issue, but thought I'd ask again since my story is slightly different.. So, me and my bf have been together for about 5 months. We fell madly in love as soon as we met and kind of jumped into a relationship, so crazy we were about each other. We are great together, we love each other's company, we have lots of fun together, my friends like him and his friends like me, we're incredibly attracted to each other, sex is awesome and everything good you can think of. Just lke a beginning of relationship should be! When we decided to be in a committed relationship, he said he didn't want to know anything about my past because whatever it was had made me the woman he was starting to adore. I really liked that, although I never really had any problems talking about my past or hearing about my ex-bf's past.. But eventually, stories are told and I shared some things.. nothing really, but that was enough to set him off. Now he is turning our lives into hell because he says he can't stop picturing me with other guys, and imagining how I was with them.. He says is eating him inside, and it makes him extremely unhappy. He feels nothing good about me when he is having a "crisis", and says it won't go away so it's up to me to decide if I can put up with it.I love him so much.. I tell him that for the first time in my life I can see myself getting married, having kids and all that, because he is truly amazing. But I don't know what to do anymore! When he snaps out of the crisis, he says he will deal with it, that everytime he sees himself falling more and more for me, he suddenly starts picturing my past with other guys!! He says he never trusted anybody before, and he trusts me, but he doesn't know how to get it out of his mind! But the thing is, and here's where it is different from everything I've found on the net so far: He used to be a ladies' man! He cheated in all of his ex-girlfriends, slept with tons of women casually (one-night stands) and he tells me all about it! I don't care.. I find the stories funny.. It makes me believe him when he says that he's done a lot of mistakes and now he wants to get things right. And he has never done anything to make me doubt him, and he says that I haven't either! So, the present is not a worry for none of us, and neither is the future really (if we can overcome this!) But the past seems to haunt him in way bigger proportions than it should! I've had 2 long-term relationships (3-4years each) and 3 shorter ones (3 months, 7 months and 1.5 years), apart from that I had one summer "relationship" when I was backpacking! Over the course of 10 years! My past is soo buried for me, but he keeps bringing it up! I really don't want this relationship to fail, but I don't know what to do! Any advice on how can I help him overcome this?? Thank you!!
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ex girlfriend, his ex, jealous, my ex, the internet Reply to this Question
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male
reader, johnballiol  +, writes (2 June 2011):
Anonymous original poster, please send me a private message!!
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (25 May 2011):
If he is unable to stop undesired thoughts about your past, he could be experimenting obsessive behaviour. He should see a therapist and get medication against such kind of thoughts. If he can't stop those images it doesn't matter how much he understands you. He won't be able to focus on anything while having such painful thought in his head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011): Please look at this thread, I read it whenever I'm going through the same issues as your boyfriend, and it really does help, especially the advice from Yos. Try not to give up. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): You've demonstrated a remarkable degree of understanding for hanging in there and trying to work this out with him. Unfortunately, I don't know of any way to make him focus on the present.One possible suggestion is to point out that the emotions he feels when he has these thoughts are a direct consequence of those images, and these emotions will continue so long as he keeps subjecting himself to these thoughts. I doubt that he can control his emotions if he continues to subject himself to these images in his mind, but he might be able to learn to switch to thinking about something else at the first sign the images are coming back. This is easier said than done, but he somehow needs to learn to stop subjecting himself to these thoughts/images.Given the obessive nature of his thoughts, it seems to me he might want to consider counseling. You might have to be quite blunt with him and tell him you cannot continue the relationship forever if he can't find a way to get over it.I've struggled with this myself at times, and I absolutely hate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everybody, I haven't been back here since my last answer because things were better and we had stopped fighting about it. But yesterday it all started again. This time he broke up with me and refused to answer my calls or reply to my e-mails and txts. I cried desperately the whole day and decided to give him some time to figure things out on his end. Today, he wrote me in the morning and acted as if he had not broken up with me, as if it had been only a fight.Slowly we started to talk about it and I tried to show him that I didn't say anything, but he misinterpreted whatever I said and fantasized a story about my past that is not true. He accepted it, without fully agreeing with me. But continues to say that the images of me in my past with my exes are too much for him to deal with. I don't know what else to do. I love him like crazy, but I cannot deal with this throughout my life. I need to make him understand that this is going to destroy what we have, and it is something he has to deal with, otherwise he won't be able to love and be loved by anybody - it is not me, it is him, and so if we break up, this issue will likely come up again in any future relationship he has. So either he decides to fix this now with me, or he will lose me and continue to lose in his life. How can I make him understand this??? Please! He says I am perfect for him and I've never given him any reason to not trust my loyalty, so how can i make him focus on US, on the present??
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): My take on this is that he's afraid of being hurt, and possibly somewhat insecure about himself. One would think that a guy who's slept around would have have a high opinion of himself, but it could be the opposite. He might be insecure and had a need to prove women liked him by sleeping with a bunch of them.
Now, he's found someone he cares about, and he's scared silly you'll cheat on him, etc., and he'll get hurt. It's normal to feel some jealousy thinking about your partner's past, but in his case the fear causes it to intensify. The thoughts about your past are a lightning rod of sorts for his underlying fears. He probably also has a somewhat obsessive personality. Put the two together, and bingo, you have his behavior.
If this is true, my suggestion is to keep letting him know how much you love him, that you never even think about your exes, or whatever similar types of things you can say honestly. But, there is a limit on how much you can do. I'll give you credit for caring about him and your relationship enough to try to figure it out.
I've had somewhat similar feelings (as your bf) myself. But, the feelings only strike when I've developed feelings for a woman. It's irrational, it sucks, and I hate it. Believe me, if there was a pill or something guys like us could take to make the thoughts stop, we'd do it in a heartbeat.
I'm not a psychologist or anything, so take the above with a grain of salt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to all of you who answered the questions... things have been a lot better. I see him suppressing the feelings, and not talking about it every time he starts thinking about it. He realizes it is irrelevant and an issue he has to deal with, and so far, I have been noticing that these thoughts have happened less to him.
I told him that I did some research on the internet and that I had found this site (didn't give the details of the site tough) and he was surprised to know that I cared enough to try and help him deal with this. I guess this helped, and knowing that it is not unique to us, but that people have dealt with this problem and lived happy after, has helped both of us in understanding the issue and being patient so let it fade away.
Again, thank you so much!!! And I hope you are all well in your relationships!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): To be honest, there is no such thing as "normal" people who get laid with many chicks and so on. I can explain the logic behind that if needed.There are 2 possibilities, either your boyfriend lives in fear, he is insecure about himself and/or... In other words, he is afraid of life and fear can be a very hard thing to conquer. The other possibility is that your boyfriend is arrogant. People that lead their lives according to a sociAL environment, to be accepted, they just do things without reason, or without really wanting to, they end up losing themselves and what is really important. Your boyfriend might need to grow a pair and make an aware sense of the illusion that he labels reality.Aside of the facts that you have provided, I will also have to make the educated assumption of you being "gamed" by a clueless guy. The guy can be simply clueless and just lie to you in order to impress you, but because in his mind he knows he is lying and he considers your stories true, he.loses his sense of securiry. This might lead you to assume that he is not the right guy for you, but it looks like you really like him anyway. What you can do is to actually lie to him, and tell him that you said those things to impress him, and you might be surprised she. he tells you the same thing; or if you really love him, make him to confront everything, grow balls and realise what is really important.
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (12 February 2011):
 I suppose you will just have to be patient then. In time this problem will fade away and he will stop thinking about those images, he will cease to think about your past at all. It just takes time and perseverance so you can get through the difficult moments. Just do not stop trying to enjoy each other's company.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): "He cheated in all of his ex-girlfriends, slept with tons of women casually (one-night stands) and he tells me all about it! I don't care."
This is why he can't deal with your past. He can't deal with his own, and you had serious relationships...which are more threatening to him.
My wife and I had the opposite relationship, she's had all the above with men, I'd had only three relationships, including her, she'd had over a hundred times as many sexual partners as I'd had.
My past and her past never bothered me, really. But, her past did, and my single prior serious relationship made her feel insecure even though it had been years since I'd had any contact and would never see that person again, but she'd never had that type of serious relationship, and I'd been very dedicated to that person.
20 years later, she has managed to deal with it, but it hasn't been easy, even though I don't bring up her prior partners and our sex life has been good and better every year. She still feels like some day I will get bored or jealous of the past or feel like "now it is my turn" because she has gotten older (and she doesn't really believe in her heart that I love her gray hair and wrinkles and lines...which I do) and I'll leave her. I've never strayed, never flirted with another woman in all that time, and have remained dedicated...which unfortunately seems to make her feel even more insecure about it. It doesn't help her that I work with younger attractive women in my profession, but it was always my profession and I work with older women as well.
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reader, Capri2 +, writes (11 February 2011):
Well, your story was really different. As most people with your boyfriend's problem has none or too little experience.
But your boyfriend seems to be the opposite. And I guess that what haunts him is what he did in the past. As you said, you told him almost nothing about your past. I guess he is thinking that everything he did to other girls, is something others guys did to you. That's how I can understand what happens to him. I hope this hypothesis will help you to understanding the root of this matter.
In the meantime there's little you can do about it. I would recommend him to see a doctor and getting medication against obsessive behaviour. That can help a lot when it comes to stop thinking about something hurtful all the time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for taking the time to reply! I can't stop thinking about this issue now.. if before it was him focusing on these images, now it is me going insane trying to find ways to fix it. @cheese4crackers: I already do all of what you suggested. And the best part is, it is actually true! I love him like no other.. he IS the best guy I've ever met. And I'm willing to go through this for a little bit, if that's what it takes for us to be happy together.. but it is starting to drive me insane.@Raphael: I see he is making an effort to control his thoughts.. I notice that everytime he starts thinking about it he sends me a txt saying how much he loves me, and how great I make him feel.. so it is a start, he is trying to focus on the good stuff and reminding himself of why he chose to be with me. But I am going crazy thinking that this can come out of nowhere again, and ruin my night, my dinner, my lunch, my day.. it feels like I'm just waiting for another crisis... I'm aprehensive! And then I start to think, if we ever do stay together, will it always be like that? Will I have to hide everything from him? I won't be able to tell stories about my travels, my friends or anything otherwise it will set him off? Will I have to put passwords on my computer, hide photos and everything? I would feel like I'm hiding something from the present.. when all I'm doing is protecting my teenager memories!! What's wrong with that??I really don't know what to do.. I'm lost. I guess it is really up to me to decide if I can put up with it.. but I just can't make myself end the best thing that has happened to me! :'(
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (11 February 2011):
This is his problem, not yours. Unfortunately there is almost nothing you can do to make him forget about it. The problem is he cannot consciously force himself to forget about what he knows about your past. He can either learn to get over it or you two can end this relationship completely. He has to learn to control his own train of thought so that thoughts of you with those other guys will not distract him from enjoying his time with you. It is not impossible and he clearly has motivation if he truly wants to be with you, talk to him and tell him that it is something you wish to deal with once and for all. Ask him if he thinks there is anything you can do that would help him remove these images from his mind and then tell him that if he wants to be happy with you, he has to start taking control and distracting himself from those thoughts, he has to start reminding himself about why he wants to be with you.
There is one other thing you can do if you think it is necessary. You can stop contacting each other, spend some time apart to rejuvenate yourselves, clear your heads so you two can return to each other with absolutely no doubt in your minds about what you have to do next.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): It sounds like he's really messed up. Maybe he needs to speak to a doctor. It sounds like anxiety attacks or something. Have you tried explaining to him that you didn't even know him when you were in these other relationships. It's not like you were with them because you didn't WANT to be with HIM. You didn't know him. Explain to him that you're not with any of them or anyone else for that matter now, simply because you are in love with him. It's him that makes you happy and that's the reason why your together. Explain to him that your relationship with him is 'different' to any other relationship, in many aspects. That you've never loved anyone like you love him. Try to reassure him to instill confidence in him and your relationship. Don't compare or talk of anyone else when your with him. This will only make things worse and if he brings up the conversation of ex's, don't prolong the conversation. Just don't engage at all. Let your body language show that you're actually tired of going over the same 'old crap' over and over because it's meaningless. This will make him rethink his childish behaviour. I'm sorry to say, but if this doesn't improve, you need to move on. You can't let your partner degrade and manipulate you simply because you have a past. You've done nothing wrong and it's not you with the problem. It's him. It's not something YOU need to fix. It's HIM. Life's too short for it to be complicated. Relationships should be supportive, loving, fun, communicative, forgiving, generous, passionate for each person to have a free spirit that's cherished by each other which ultimately brings out the best in one another. Good Luck with it all and I hope he snaps out of it for you.
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