| A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend are the same age and have been together for one year. We really do love each other a lot.However, his parents recently got divorced, and he is very depressed about it. Lately it seems that all I can do is upset him. If he says/does something that upsets me, I will try to talk to him about it because as a couple I feel like we should talk about these things. recently however he gets angry, says hurtful things, (he has never insulted me directly, just hurts my feelings)and stops replying to me. We have never had these arguments in person, only over texting. However it still hurts the same and I end up crying a lot by myslf. I am a pretty emotional person. I have started to feel unloved and like he is pushing me away/doesn'nt want to be with me anymore. Also whenever we hang out it seems that all he wants to do is get sexual. We have not had sex and he understands that I do not want to until I am older, but we have done other things. I would rather us just have a nice time together than get intimate constantly, and feel like im just a distraction.How can I help my boyfriend get through this, and how can I improve my situation? I love him so much but i cant bare feeling like this. Thank you very much in advanc
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (16 March 2014):
 No matter what he is going through, he cannot behave as badly as he has been behaving towards you.
As others have mentioned, there needs to be a face to face meeting between the two of you.
Bear in mind that he may get defensive and upset. Let him know that you care, but that you shouldn't have to put up with nastiness that he has been inflicting on you. Because that is unfair on you. And you are not equipped to give your Bf the medical support he needs to help him cope with his depression.
However you can ask your Bf for what is important to you.
Set out some key things that are imporant to you.
Ask one thing at a time. And add in a suggested solution for one behaviour at a time.
State your needs in an assertive manner, such as:
1. When you:
swear at me and you call me a .........
2. It makes me feel:
disrespected and belittled
3. And as a result I would, in future, like you to:
stop swearing at me and stop
calling me nasty names and instead I would prefer that you:
Speak to me respectfully and not use those nasty names when you speak to me.
Another example:
1. When you:
interrupt and start speaking to me
rudely and loudly to drown out my words
2. It makes me feel:
That you do not value my input and that you think your opinion matters more than mine and that makes me feel belittled and demeaned.
3. And as a result, in future, I would like you to:
Stop interrupting me and stop trying to drown out my words with your words.
Instead I would like you to wait until I have spoken before you reply and I would like you to listen to me not try to dominate the
conversation with just your opinion
With everything that bothers you try to think how it makes you feel. Then formulate what behavioural change you are seeking from your Bf in the future.
Ask him if he can contribute some key things that are important to him. Don't be
surprised if he has nothing to add - depression can mean that a person finds making a decision very difficult.
And although it is difficult to deal with - depression can make it appear that the sufferer has no empathy. Yes the person can appear self centred but their illnessss (depression) becomes all consuming.
Which is why a sufferer of depression does need to see a doctor, and preferably gain some specialist counselling, if possible.
Your boyfriend may well be very sad and depressed about his parents divorce.
Maybe point out to your Bf that his parent's divorce is not his fault. He may be feeling unable to ask his parents for some extra support, but he certainly does need some additional support for his depression.
You can listen to your Bf and you can there to comfort him if he tells you how bad he feels right now.
You are his Gf, but you are not equipped to give your Bf the professional support for his depression. Men are notorious for
ignoring their depression until it gets seriously bad.
It is far better to seek support asap in regards to the depression. Some countriees have good support in place, other countries don't have affordable
counselling.
You haven't listed your country so that means I can't suggest some specific free resources that could help in respect to the depression.
That your Bf is pushing the sexual angle is not helping. Let him know that you understand that he is sad and depressed, but being too sexual with you is not going to help improve the situation. In fact it is disrespectful towards you.
Familiarity can lead to feeling too comfortable, and that can lead to a sense of disrespect creeping in. Or worse a feeling of contempt. Don't let things slip that far.
Remind him how much you care about him, but always insist that respect and good manners remain a key given and required aspect of your relationship.
Let him know immediately, if he starts to do anything that makes you feel
uncomfortable.
Because Your standards set the standards for your relationship.
To demonstrate his love and his caring attitude towards you then he should be
respecting you, and respect your core
values.
.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 March 2014):
 I think that 1. you need to stop trying to get him to talk about, maybe he just isn't ready to share how he feels,or he doesn't want to seem weak in front of you. IF HE brings it up. just listen to him.
Secondly, Tell him how you feel about the whole getting intimate constantly. That you would LIKE to be seen as more then someone he can do sexual things with. Like Aunty BimBim mentioned LET him know that the more he wants to ONLY do sexual thing the more he is actually pushing you away.
My guess is, that he IS trying to numb how he feels about the divorce but making himself feel good (body-wise) but it's NOT making YOU feel good so he needs to know.
Cut down on the texting for a while, see how that goes.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 March 2014):
 Stop texting, try only communicating face to face for a while. And let him know the more he keeps trying to have sex with you the more he is pushing you away.
Yes, its sad his parents are divorcing, but there is no need for him to be taking his frustrations and hurt and anger out on you.
If it appears he would prefer to be without your support, or kind words, deeds and thoughts, then pull back a bit.
YOU are not his whipping post!
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