A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 38 years old and look after myself and have good self esteem. I have been dating a man the same age for a month. I am finding that whenever we are out he quickly notices an attractive woman and either turns his head when we walk past or frequently looks over at her table every few seconds. Its getting me down. My ex was the same, and very visual and always commenting about women's looks and weight. I have been with men who are very visual and those less so. I have made gentle comments such as "Do you know her" or "She looks nice" but do I really want to go down this path again? I don't want to try and change him but he just seems so distracted by a pretty face.Its turning me off him. Should I cut my losses now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): I have to agree with the rest of the posters who are telling you to cut your losses. My reason is his age. If he was say 18-early twenties, I would say there is a chance he could grow out of it. When I first met my husband, he was barely 21, and did the same thing. Every woman that walked by that he perceived as attractive, he would look at her. Now he's 26, and does it a lot less. I've also noticed that the rare time he does, his preference in women has changed. It always used to be the girls who looked like they were straight out of a porn movie he would look at. Their cleavage was usually hanging out, they were really slim, fake tan, long (looked extended) hair. Now, it's just some "normal" girl.
This goes to show some men DO grow out of it. Not only has he learned self control, but his taste in women has gotten better. But even with his "widened" preferences, he's learned self control, and doesn't stare when notices someone. It's a quick glance, and that's it.
Unfortunately, if a man hasn't learned by 38, it's likely he never will.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): Marilissa said: "This is only the first month and he is probably an emotional abuser, a cheater, and a liar and you don't need that. A 38 year old man behaving that way is a very big red flag"Also my experience. I thought it might just be ogling as first, as bad as it was. Nope. Also abuse, control, the silent treatment, taking my money, gaslighting, drug issues.. shall I go on. And this was a guy in his late forties.Believe me, you can do a lot better. I used to hate people saying that to me and I never quite "got it". Then I fell pregnant and all he could think about 5 minutes after looking at the test was could I buy him something on my credit card. Usually a lot more is lurking under the surface (now always), but this is an early warning for you. Do take care! ALWAYS listen to your gut instinct and don't rationalise this kind of bad behaviour, he wants you to feel less than and he hopes you will "comply".Also men/women who act like this are usually cheating. Also sadly my case.
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A
female
reader, Marilissa75  +, writes (17 March 2014):
 The ogling is completely disrespectful in my book. We are all attracted to beauty, we look at a good looking person, but we avoid doing this when we are on a date or with our significant other. It's creepy to sit there and stare even when you are not on a date! So we all may inadvertently glance at someone or take a reflexive second look but it should stop there. Almost all men notice attractive women. The decent ones train themselves at an early age to get a glance and then immediately stop if they want to show respect to the woman they are with. You are wise for noticing a pattern and in my opinion, you would be wise for breaking it off completely. This is only the first month and he is probably an emotional abuser, a cheater, and a liar and you don't need that. A 38 year old man behaving that way is a very big red flag. Best of luck to you!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 March 2014):
 Yes, cut your losses and break up now....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): I was with an ogler. He actually did some crazy stuff, he would stop and turn and compliment others, walked into a lamp post, tripped over.. all because of someone attractive. I can laugh about it now but at the time it wore me down. He would also deny doing it, to make matters worse. He couldn't even control it going on holiday in the airport, he excused himself to go outside for a smoke and I noticed he was standing staring at some woman in tight jeans who he's spotted earlier but I was with him and when he saw me looking at him from the check-in queue, he literally scuttled outside. He even "eye-tracked" the air hostesses and I could see him checking out of the corner of his eye to see if I had noticed! He would try to minimise the disrespectful behaviour by telling me I was over-sensitive and that he was not prepared to stare at the ground all the time. I hadn't asked him to do that, so I did the same to him. I stopped and turned around and said, wow, did you see that guy's eyes. He said I was rude to do so, so he knew he was treating me badly.
Anything vaguely attractive in a skirt and he lost control. And he was very abusive in other ways, criticising many things about me.. without blowing my own trumpet, I get a lot of male attention.. but now I see he criticsed me to bring me down.. and ogling was also part of his agenda.
And he had been married twice before.....
I think there's a huge difference between noticing someone, maybe even a second look, but staring up and down for ages while you are with your partner, commenting on others, undressing others with your eyes, taking most of your energy away from a date when you should be focusing on your date, eye-clocking every single vaguely attractive person going by, is hugely disrespectful.
You have been dating this guy for one month. He has shown you who he is, if he really is ogling "proper", then he is behaving like a disrespectful lech during a stage of dating in which he is meant to be trying to impress you, NOT put you off. But you know what, he's actually doing you a massive favour. You know who he is now, cut him loose. It's a huge red flag and one which I wish I had heeded in the first week with the ex (yes he ogled, commented and flirted and then fell over in our first week together, lol, rather than going on to waste four years of my precious time.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 March 2014):
 Cut your losses now.
Everyone who can see is a 'visual'. We all notice anyone or anything that is out of the ordinary in a good or bad way. There is a difference between noticing and making yourself noticeable for noticing.
Your boyfriend is just plain rude and lacks impulse control. Toss this one back and find one who is already housebroken.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): Yes, let him go, your not second best, your you and if a lite time on his own makes him respect that or not, either way, feel you will be better off than the current situation. It's not the time for game playing, been there, done that is right, it's time for you. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 March 2014):
 I agree with Chigirl, this isn't about being visual. EVERYONE notices a good looking person, but there is NOTICING (3 second glace) and then there is OGLING (staring). Being with someone doesn't mean going blind to attractive people, BUT it does mean that you DO not ogle. I definitely notice a handsome fella or a guy who fills out his jeans just right, but I do not ogle.
He is 38 years old and should know better. And he KNOWS what he is doing is rude, not just towards you, but the woman he is ogling too.
Personally, I'd toss this one back in the pond.
To me this is about him SHOWING you that he is keeping his options open, to "keep" you on your toes, to let you know that his focus ins't ON YOU. That ever good looking woman out there is something he will notice and objectify.
You have already been down this road, why do the same thing again?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 March 2014):
 This has nothing to do with "being visual", whatever that means. It's poor manners, nothing else. I also have eyes, no in that respect I am also "visual". I can see if another person is hot or not. And, as a bisexual woman, I have plenty attractive people I can oogle and stare at. But I don't. And you know why? Because I know it's really rude.
The problem with these guys of yours isn't that they're "visual", but that they are really rude. Even if they notice an attractive woman they have the CHOICE to either stop and stare/turn their heads/oogle, or they can notice, and then look at something else, or give their attention to YOU. Just because you see something nice doesn't mean you suddenly lose control of your actions and can't stop yourself from turning your head, sheez.
I say cut your losses now. You've been through this already, you know you don't like it (I don't know anyone who would). Why put yourself through that again? Besides, if you go back to being single your chances are much higher of meeting a man who knows how to behave. It's a win-win.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): I think you should end it now. You've already been with a man like this. Did the oggling and commenting on women make you happy in the past? Does it make you happy now? Of course not. You deserve much better than that because you are better than that.
Don't fall for another man like this, they are all the same. Unfortunately it won't change either.
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