| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ive been going out with my partner for over 2 years, and we have lived together for about a year and a half, we are very happy together and love each other very much but i am way to dependant.i dont have my licience, and i know i spend way to much time together. becuase we live together i see him every day and every night, i dont mind at all, but my partner gets frustrated and just wants to spend time by himself, he never says anything but i know. he isnt a very social person and spends most of his time on his computer. but i dont have any hobbies, and i cant go any where because i dont have my licience.We have been struggling with money issues for some time now and that has put some pressure and frustration on us. I want to give him some space but every time i seem to not be around he tends to look at porn, and i dont really mind that he looks at it but it just makes me feel so self consious and non attractive towards him. He never talks about his feelings and only gets angry when i ask, so i never do now days.I just want advice on how to be more dependant and not worry about the things like porn when im not home. Also any advice on how to get my partner to come to social things with me, i never force him to come to things, but he never really wants to go to things because he is quite anti social.Hope you can help
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): Hey,
it seems as though your boyfriend is seeking to escape his reality in as many ways as he knows possible with the anti-social persona and the detachment of physical interaction by reconsiliation in the watching of porn.
Also it would be interesting to know how you two came to be in a relationship of two years when he seems so guarded and detached - was the basis of it mostly sexual and has it been a cohesive to your communication with each other?
Is there a pervious arguement that still has left him wounded/angry and he;s using these means to implicity punish you?
I have two sets of advise for you
1) You need to become more independent
you need to take up a hobby- jogging,amateur dramatics,going to a park or the library and taking out some books and learning something new, going to some museums or galleries, free exhibits and shows,go to some music recitals or join a sports club
You need to do things without him and that will get you out of the house and give him and YOU some personal space so that your time together will seem more pertinent and hopefully you'll have more to talk about than your money troubles.
You say you don;t have a licence- public transport or a second bicycle can get you around just as good and probably quicker in some cases
But its very important that you are your own person and that you make sure that you can define yourself WITHOUT HIM before you contest anything wrong with him or your relationship. Though you live together keep your interactions short and sweet and go do something new WITHOUT HIM
Once your comfortable with what your doing ( after about 2-3mths) ask him if he wants to tag along- if he's hesitant don;t force him and keep it light.
after a couple of months of this..if things don;t change
2)tell him you want to sit down and have a cup of coffee (something non-alcoholic)and say something on the lines of:
"we need to talk about whats wrong- i don't want to argue i just want us to come to an understanding"
try and keep calm and stay in the moment. If he doesn;t know that you know about the porn don;t bring it up unless he does and let the conversation take its natural course.
If he does bring it up or it comes up naturally don;t be angry about it or try and make more of your feelings tell him the truth- that it makes you self concious etc and maintain eye contact and let him realise that you mean it.
remember NO SHOUTING
ask him why he doesn;t want to go out. don;t give him the reasons YOU think it might be because he'll just think your telling him who you think he is and it'll get him angry let him answer the questions without prompting.
If he starts to shout DON'T SHOUT BACK just get up and say " i'm not shouting with you, i'll be back when you calm down" and go for a 5-10 minute walk.
Maybe in these ways some things can be resolved independently and inturn together.
From excogito
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): I would focus on self improvement, even if you are struggling with money, I would try to get yourself a licence. Once your partner sees you becoming more independent his attitude towards social situations may change. Looking at porn is perfectly normal provided it does not take over his life. You should not think that he is comparing you to women in the porn he is watching, it's just a form of enjoyment, unless it affects your relationship.
If his reluctance to be involved in social situations is due to something much deeper, it might be an idea for him to seek counselling.
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