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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi!! I'm kind of stuck at the moment. I'm chinese born and raised here. My boyfriend and I are the same religion Hindus. He's from the states as well but born in London. His parents are also in the USA. So my question is. My boyfriend and Iive together for about a year now and dated also 2 years. His parents live about an hour n half away from us. My parents know we live together but don't like the idea of it. They are bit of old fashion and of course wouldn't tell anyone outside of our family that we live together because it's an embarrassment to them living together before marriage.So, my bf his parents don't know yet. His mom wants to come to our place so badly. And he has not yet told her. But he plans on soon and for some reason my instinct is telling it's not a good idea. His mom knows very little about me and is aware that I am non-indian. But I feel if he tells her that we live together before marriage she won't like me. I'm old fashioned, funny to say I rather meet her before hand and get to know her at her house or go to eat then maybe later on once we build a bonding relationship she can come over. My bf feels bad because she and 3 dogs and of course the dad lives there too. I don't want her to look down and not respect me I know. But my bf is telling me why can't I think of about her for once and the fact that she wants to come over so badly. See the thing is she thinks he lives alone. I don't know what o do. I'm doing every will power to get my bf to delay of her coming over. I figured maybe next month we all can meet during Diwali. I'm not ready and our place I need to get it straighten out. Ugh help! I don't know who to talk to about this. I can't go to my friends or indian friends. U know!! My bf mom seems to be more of the traditional old fashion side. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 October 2013):
 ...and if you dodge the bullet now, and get introduced to your future in laws gradually and properly etc.etc..... how many probabilities do you think you have that they never ever ,ever come to know/ guess/ be told that you HAD actually been living together behind their backs prior to marriage , and prior to the proper introduction,- and that they don't go berserk for having been lied to and treated as if they were dummies ?
How much do you think they will like THAT ?! And having to live together with the sneaky ,sly non Indian daughter in law that was so good at making fools out of them ? ( of course that would be your bf's fault as much as yours, obviously- but somehow , for some reason, it's much easier holding a grudge against your daughter in law than against your own son... )
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): Starlight, i totally agreed with you. I think it's important to do it correctly. I want to build a relationship before hand and really get to know his parents then rather his mom jumping into the guns and come stay with us. As you all know in the future not only will be marrying him I'm also marrying into the family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): Hmm good advices from all of and I appreciate that. But you know we are Asians it's so different with th western culture. I honestly, don't feel comfortable. I'm almost 30 and he's in his early 30's. Honestly, down the furture when I have kids I don't think I will like it if my kids are living together before marriage. I'm old fashion though I'm born in America and almost rise western but it's not the same if u are indian/chinese parents aren't from our generations. I understand the part with some of u saying grow up. For a while I was wondering when was he ever gonna tell his parents about me and etc. I had my past experience before of living wih a guy and his mom didn't like it at all. I don't know. As all u know. I'll end upLiving with my inlaws in the future so it does make a huge different and the fact that I'm not indian can make it worst.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 October 2013):
 If you are in your 30s you are an official grown up. It's time to act like one and tell people the truth about your lives, and that includes his parents.
Lying, covering up, pretending are the games of children who are ashamed of their actions. Are you ashamed? No? Then stop acting like it.
I expect his parents already know, they are pretending as well.
It doesn't sound as though they are key players in his life if they haven't seen him in so long and they live so close.
If you need help in cleaning your place, hire a maid service. You are merely postponing the inevitable discovery, so just get it over with. If he loves you, and his parents aren't around, then does it really matter what his mother feels about you?
Time to be brave and live your life as you've chosen.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (16 October 2013):
 It's most likely your boyfriends mum wont like the idea of you living together.It may create a bad impression about you.
So Why doesn't your boyfriend agree to
introduce you to his mum properly in a comfortable manner for you?
Your boyfriend should respect your feelings and know it makes you feel uneasy for her to come over without knowing the bigger picture, that would make anyone anxious.
Ask your boyfriend to arrange a comfortable meeting outside the home so you can meet his mother in a way which doesn't make you anxious about her coming straight over to the house and seeing you.
Goodluck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 October 2013):
I think both you and your bf need to grow up and tell his parents the truth. One year you live together, and your living ararngements are still a secret... ?
Sorry, but personally I can't have any patience for people who wants to " show " respect without actually bothering acting resoectful, and in fact act disrespectful. Yes, deception and manipuloation are disrespectful. You want to tehll tehse poor parents some story to delay their visist ( what are you going to invent ? a flood, an earthquale, a rodent infestation ) so that you can look all nice and good and chaste , and not incur in their disapproval.
If you don't want to face disapproval , and if you really care about having your choices disapproved, at your fully grown up age of 30something- then don't do anything that meet disapproval, i.e. don't go live together to begin with. You decide that your life is yours , and you are going to live according to your own values , not those of your parents ' ? Perfect. Excellent, that's how it should be. But then act consequently- sincerely and honourably.
Stop fibbing like fifth graders that do not want to be caught with the hands in the cookie jar . Either you are ashamed of your choices and behaviour- then you correct and change them. Or , you are not ashamed of your choices and behaviour, and you own them.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (16 October 2013):
 you will have to come clean sometime. putting up a front will not work forever, plus you are having to live knowing you are hiding the truth from his mom.
all that is going to do is cause hard feelings, and put you in the middle. covering up is not a great idea or way to go. you may fool her for awhile, but how do you think she will feel toward you when she uncovers the truth later. plus you two will have to live with the guilt of lying to his mom. she will more than likely not be keen on you two living together, but that is a choice you two made.
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