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female
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*inklinglaughter
writes:Hi there...My bf gets really annoyed when I ask him questions about what he's doing, who he's with, and things like that every time I talk to him. The thing is that I was in a relationship before this for 3 years where the guy kept cheating on me, with his friend's gf, with my best friend, and two others. It was hell and pure torture because I had loved him unconditionally..upto a point. Every time I'd tried to leave him, he wouldn't let me, and everyone's given me hell for that. I knew I would not be able to trust any boy ever again. But then my present bf seemed really nice, and seemed sincere...and I believe he is. But I still feel insecure. I keep thinking that the moment he's away from me, he might do something, and not necessarily because he wants to, but just because he can and I'd never find out unless he himself tells me. I know it's wrong for me to do that to him, coz he just does not deserve this. He had lied to me once in the first few months about some girl he didn't even know who kept calling him, and when he found out I didn't like it, he started telling me that she'd stopped when she hadn't. But I believe he hasn't done anything of that sort since then, and it felt like we've been getting stronger. But it's been a year, and I still have trust issues. I love him with all my heart, but I just don't know what to do with myself! Today he suggested we take a break, and I give myself time to get over my issues. Today is also our one-year anniversary, and it seems like instead of celebrating, we might be breaking up.I'd appreciate any advice on the matter. I have no idea how to get over my insecurities. I try talking positively to myself, but then I'm like 'What if..?'..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2006): Seriously, why do people HAVE TO go into intimate relationships? I mean, when I am involved with someone intimately, then great, whatever. If I am single, then whatever. I get to do stuff that normally my time would have been taken up by my gf. I GET TO PLAY WORLD OF WARCRAFT AND DUNGEONS & DRAGONS ONLINE! Yay for me! [laughs] Hopefully my business partners never stumble on this... [coughs]
When a person comes out of a rather bad relationship, it's prudent to step back for awhile and reflect, maybe do other things for awhile, and when you feel that you've got yourself together again, then maybe you can open yourself up to some real solid relationships. Otherwise, casual dating is also very good as well.
There are woes in any type of relationship, that's a given, but when the arguments come out to calling each other liars for such trivial matters that become so big and effective, that actually cause continuous strife, really, I suggest that you two give each other space. Possibly both of you aren't mature enough for this relationship.
Definitely consider building yourself first, stabilizing your minds, seeking out your own core interests, and then further developing those core interests, as well as gain general overall knowledge of the world and how life can be.
[laughs] Not that you're a teenager, but for some reason, I find that your relationship looks premature. No harsh feelings of course. 8]
A
female
reader, tinklinglaughter +, writes (12 November 2006):
tinklinglaughter is verified as being by the original poster of the question I know you guys are right, I told him as much--You don't deserve it, and I know that. I'm just a little messed up because of what I let myself go through.
But that just sparked off a huge argument, and I don't know what the matter with him is, I think he paints a different picture in his mind about things I tell him.
He argued with what I had told him about my past, and said either I was lying to him then or I'm lying now, and I am absolutely sure I haven't ever lied to him about anything! He just remembers things so differently!
In fact, right in the middle of this conversation he said I'd said something I actually hadn't! He had said you were with this guy a month later, and then moved on to some other topic, and later said, you just told me you were with him after just a month! Oh my God, it frustrated me to no end and he ended up asking me to give him my ex's phone # so he can confirm things with him!! Of course, I refused, having done everything I could to keep that jerk out of my life.
He also can't understand why I'd keep giving that guy chance after chance, and he says i'm stupid, but then he asks me if I would give him chances, and I said, Not if I've learned my lesson right. And he said, Oh, so you don't love me as much?
In that moment, I felt like this is not working and I don't knwo if it ever will. I was so damn upset about the whole thing, and then he just started being sweet and all that again, out of nowhereMaybe it's the age difference at work too? I turned 24 in March, and he turns 21 in December.
I'm so sorry for making this sooo long. I do apologise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2006): If you haven't already split up, I think you need to tell him you need space. Give it time and see if he calls you, then you'll know that it is you he wants. And make use of the time away from him by really thinking about the situation and maybe that will put things into perspective for you. Also, when you tell him you need time away from him let him know you really want to work on your trust issues and that you think this is what your relationship needs right now in order for it to work. Trust me he will call and he will respect you for taking charge of you issues and love that fact that your strong enough to be away from him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2006): Im so sorry for saying this but you may have pushed this fella to the edge with you insecurites. Trust with a man is a big issue as it is with a woman and if you dont give him enough breathing space then it will all go so wrong. You have issues not relating to this guy but you are willing to drag up your past into this relationship and destroy it for some jerk that hurt you in the past. You havent said that you found evidence of him cheating, or of bullying you or of him being hurtfull or nasty to you. To me its your trust issues that have pushed this guy away and the fact that you are so insecure about it, it would be wise to have some councillng for this, there are many good councilling services out there. I feel sorry for you that you have been served such a raw deal in life but now its tme to move on and get yur life back on track bab ok, good luck x
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