A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please help me with my problem. I do not know what to do.Last month I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. It was graphic and a very bloody fight happen. After a week from that horrible day, I could not leave him. Since then he has tried everything in his power to show me how much he love's me and how sorry he is. I have a child with this man. We have been together for 5 1/2 years. I love him I know I do. I just can't STOP seeing them together. Like it's right before me. I don't keep this bottled in either. I let him know, It feels like we will be doing great. BUT then something happens I see it again. It drives me insane. When I see the past again, All I wish to do is bring him to his knees and watch him suffer. (I know sick but honest) I worked to darn hard for this family to watch it fall apart because of my problems of the past. How can I change this? Please? I feel that if I can not change this I will snap and lose all the sanity I have left. ( I can not leave him, It's out of the question. Not only cause I refuse too but I have NO where to go. My family is dead. I do not have a job or a car.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionKarlos5021, I am very sorry that was my typo. I was trying to say I would rather fight to be with him, rather sneak behind his back and leave him.Honestly, I feel w/out school I would have lost all my sense already. I live in very small town so everyone knows everyone's shoe size here. The "friends" I suppose I could make I do not trust to be around. (Before my child I had a bad past and enjoyed drugs way to much.) I have been sober for 6 1/2 years but it is a war to keep fighting. I do not trust myself to be around the :friends: I could make there. i am fine without this type of relationship honestly, To me people befriend you to betray you. I rather trust no one then get hurt or worse lose myself. That being said. Thank you Karlos =)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2012): Its true that people on the outside of a problem have a clearer view of the situation as they're views are based on rationality rather than emotions. You have to remember its not really your boyfriend who is suffering hurt from what he did, its you. And although he is opposed to any outside intervention, it could be what YOU need to get closure to what you're experiencing. College is a good place to make new friends and build a social life away from your relationship too, so that if you ever feel like you are under each others feet too much you can spend time with friends and away from your boyfriend to unwind. I don't really understand what you're driving at as regards to some other parts of your update - you want to fight even harder to be with him, then sneak behind his back and leave him ... Is that plan not defeating the object of trying to resolve this whole issue?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all you have said.To clear a few things; I have been "begging" to go to someone to talk too. He believes we don't need a stranger telling us what is wrong. I just believe another set of eyes can see what we missed. I don't know how to tell him I really need this with him. For going out and getting a job,car,etc. I'm in college now, working towards my master. Also... It's really not as easy as it sounds to go out get a job and leave. As I have said before, I am on my own. I have 0 friends. (I'm not lying, i dropped many cause their life style... I could not fall levels.) I have no way of my child being watched as I walk the 4 miles to town to look for a job. When I am at school my boyfriend watches her, He works two full time jobs as it is. It's a very rough road I have but I am trying. I'm taking note to all you have suggested. I am very afraid... This man, he has become my family after I lost the last a year ago. We shared so much, but I must agree being in the state that I am (Depended on him) is not healthy. I know this honestly, but I always look at the glass half full and like to pretend fairy tales are real. Pathetic, I must agree. I want to fight even more to be with him, then sneak behind his back and leave him. I understand we are all humans and we make mistakes. As much as I want to see him hurt as i do, I really don't at the same time. I love him, I don't want to ever hurt the person I love. That being said, i am NOT going to do ANYTHING to have him have even close to a glimpse of the pain that I do. It might seem stupid by what I have said. Though it makes sense to me. I made a promise to him as he did to me, Neither of us have broke it. I just wanted to return a few words in hoping this matter might be able to get help from my fellow Aunts and Uncles. I have come here once or twice and each time I felt like I had the strength my issues were solved by many of your help. Thank you all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2012): Try to go to counseling. Thr community has low cost or free programs. Just call local clinics. Thus sounds like something that needs third party help
Maybe a 12 step program would be helpful too. Coda is one.
Do some research. Good luck!
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (1 June 2012):
 How about getting a job, and then a car, and if this situation ever happens again, you'll have options?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2012): I'm sorry to hear of your experience, I know how you feel because I've been cheated on in all but one past relationship, and when your down on your luck with no job, limited money and no transportation and nowhere to go, you find yourself in the same place going round in circles and it seems like forever before things improve. BUT, it is possible to move on from this and be happy again WITH him if its your decision to forgive him. I would suggest having your own space for a few weeks for a break and to reflect on things but as you said you have nowhere else to go to do that... Have you considered some kind of relationship counselling? It maybe the only option available given your limited other options.
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female
reader, Rocky angel  +, writes (1 June 2012):
You are very much hurt now and it will always be if you cant stand this situation. The words you cant leave him is the reason you are suffering till now. If your heart and soul suffering like hell now, you shoud do something about it. Try to find your courage and energy to help your self out of that system. Get out there, look for a job, start on your own life with your child. Its gonna be very very hard at the start, but shall you let your self suffer all your life? Good luck...
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2012): Show your boy friend that what can you do if you can't leave him or just do some kind of crazy thing so that your boy friend realizes what he has done.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2012): If you have decided you will never leave him over his cheating, then you need to take a deep breath and start thinking practically. I do understand how hurt you are feeling right now but you need to understand that taking him to his knees and making him suffer too is not the answer. There is only so much he will take before you deciding you wont leave him becomes redundant because he could very well end up leaving you.As he is in the stages of trying everything to placate you. Why not try suggesting couples counseling, there you can express how you feel in a safe environment without things getting out of hand. You can both explore what took him down the road of cheating and find out how to fix that because something is wrong in the relationship and needs dealing with expertly, not by making him suffer because you are suffering. Honestly, that doesnt help. You need help from a third party to identify the problems that lead to this and help you both move forward together. Also your level of dependance on him is not healthy for you as an individual. You need more options, the ability to leave if you ever need to. Maybe you could find work if youre not currently working or start saving, even a small amount every week until you can afford your own transport. That would enable to you have at least a little independence! Then you will never find yourself trapped in a situation and unable to leave if you want to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2012): Time to make a 2 year and 5 year plan. No matter whether he cheated on you or not, being so reliant or someone is NEVER good. What if he died - you would be without career or education.
Time to make a plan to head to school -focus on yourself and getting a basic job like a dental hygienist (who can make over 40$ an hour) or a medical assistant.
Also, you might have to think about counseling for the two of you.
Otherwise, single mothers have lots of support from the government. Move out and onto unemployment, from there get educated.
You need a plan and start working towards it. Then re-assess the situation when you can survive on your own. Right now focus on yourself and try to ignore the hurt. Improve yourself and your situation.
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female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (1 June 2012):
 Oh hun, im so sorry to hear that you are hurting. I know its hard to be put between a rock and a hard place but remember the saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger so don't despair, you will come out of this on top!! For now, show him how much he hurt you my giving him the cold shoulder whenever he tries to talk to you and start making plans for an escape for you and your child( look for a job....save some money....find a place to live and when you feel strong then leave his cheating ass behind!! STAY STRONG BECAUSE THINGS ALWAYS WORK OUT IN THE END:)
HUGS!!
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