A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We both 23 and our relationship is great. My parents like his personality, mature minded and responsible to me. Everyone can feel his love for me. Otherwise, he comes from a middle low class family and mine is rich but my family never spent money on things that are useless and we appreciate money. While his family is not wealthy but they spent money on luxury cars, and useless things that they don't have easy money. They can't invest and buy new house if they don't sell some of what they have now. I know that's not a big problem for some people but for me, its not a wise thought and it bother me. I believe that people need to appreciate money and manage it smartly because my parents used to poor but with hard work and good financial management we are wealthy and socially appreciated now. I also realise that if I marry to him, I will definitely have a hard life. Now I'm just helping my parent business but if I marry him my life would turn extremely different and I'm unsure if I can stay with that condition my whole life.We had talked about marriage in several years later and he knows that I wouldn't get used to the new life and I think he tries to change my mind about money and told me the irrational things so that I would think money isn't important. He even called me money minded and ask me to change my perspective. I know I might sound stingy and money minded but I'm just want to have better future so that I won't regret and I hate and never do divorce. The good thing is, he's dilligent hardworker man, responsible and family oriented man. He likes to learn new things and won't choosy in doing jobs. He now work in low pay job and struggle to find money so we could get marry in next 2 years. I really love him and can't think how my life be without him.What should I do? Am I wrong for thinking like this?
View related questions:
divorce, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): don't get married until and unless you can both come to some agreement on how you will handle money after marriage. some options:1. both of you keep separate bank accounts. You divide up the bills and each person is responsible for paying the bills they agreed to. Then whatever is left over in your private bank account is yours to spend as you want. so if he wants to blow his money on fancy items, he can because it's "his" money and won't come out of your account. if one of you needs to borrow money from the other, treat it as a loan like any other and pay them back, it's a show of respect for the other person. This is how me and my husband handle our finances (i.e. separately), and we've been married 13 years and been together for 18 years. 2. you both compromise so you agree that maybe some percentage of the household money has to be saved/invested and another percentage is available for 'luxury' items (whatever can be bought with that predetermined amount). 3. ?? pre-nuptial agreement?you're right to be worried about this now. And yes it is a red flag. Therefore, hold off on getting married until you have it figured out.
A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (9 November 2012):
 my ex and I split up after 19 years for exactly the same reasons as you are describing. she always wanted to spend big money on rubbishy things and i wanted to try to save and spend occasionally on a special treat. she was from a working class background and me more upper middle. maybe you can control the finances but i suspect you will find it difficult. I controlled the finances until she sunk into depression and had to spend her way out of it. be careful. is he liable to depression? manic? money is one area where you should have some common ground.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Money is still the number one cause of divorce so you are absolutely right to be thinking about this now.
I think before you get married you should give a trial run, where you set up a joint account and live together just to see what happens. Set up a budget. Be smart though, don't merge your accounts, you don't want to lose your money. Once the money goes into a joint account, it's his too. You should each put in a certain amount at a time that will be joint and see how you get along with that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): You're not wrong for thinking like this OP and your financial future is something that you must have a good balance in terms of being on the same page.
OP Marriage is mainly a contract, it's a business deal like any other but it's a life long commitment. Sure people like to talk about it being about love but you already love each and can spend your lives together without it ever happening. When it comes down to it, it's a name change, some rings, a nice party and a practical financial contract.
Marriage based on love alone when there are practical issues like this that are unresolved is not a good way to start.
OP money management is very serious in a relationship, you have to be on the same page. He can't just dismiss you as money crazy it's a valid thing, I think you need to discuss things and come to a compromise, set up some conditions for marriage.
Me and my girlfriend both work, she has a better job than me and earns more money but I've had some schemes I joined years ago give me a huge return financially so money is no longer an issue. But before then we were on the same page. Circumstances for both of us worked because we had the same ideas of how to take care of our money and the things we didn't agree on we discussed and came to a compromise on.
Even the house we got together was out of my price range so I was a bit uncomfortable with it, even though it was the kind of house I would love to live in. She had a wage that would cover the costs and she wanted it so she agreed to pay a higher percentage on it, and didn't mind doing so at all. As it turned out I came into money and was able to pay it off in one go, so we decided I'd pay her back the difference in a lump sum of her payments over the past couple of years and then she would pay for her half of the house by putting that money into the shared household account and pay the bills etc.
OP the only reason we're getting married is because it's going to improve our lives. We'll get far more financial benefits, we're going to start a family, and it's the next step in our shared future which is already financially secure and even if it wasn't we'd have to be on the same page.
If marriage is going to be a step backwards, is going to create more difficulties and lower your quality of life then it's a completely ridiculous idea and being done for all the wrong reasons.
Being called Mrs., having a fancy ring and pictures in a white dress is just a novelty and that novelty will wear off quickly if things aren't good on a practical level.
The next two years may be too soon for you, come to a compromise and don't plan on anything until you know for sure marriage is something that will enhance your life, not become a trap.
Getting married just because you want to be married is idiotic.
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Money differences are tricky. I think you need to sit down and look at what your goals are for the future. What are his goals? Are you both willing to make compromises to find a middle ground? These are important things and you are very sensible to consider them now.There's always a balance to be struck between saving for the future and enjoying the present. Can you meet each other halfway?
...............................
|
